DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

And apologies - I hadn't got to the point where you said you can't take hormonal contraception.

Do check out with a pharmacist or GP whether, in your specific circumstances, that's long term or at all, though. The MAP is only taken over a couple of days.

I think if you're absolutely adamant that you don't want any more children then I'd be inclined to seriously think about getting sterilised.
OH seems to want more children so I don't think he'll ever agree to go through with a vasectomy.
You simply can't trust him any more

Oh, OP - I just caught up and read your comments about your childhood and him 'rescuing' you.

Whatever else you decide to do, I'd seriously recommend some counselling/psychology to work through your past experiences and how they cloud you life and the choices you make.
Even if you decide to stay with him, it'd be better to this with a full understanding of what your own motives are rather than just as a 'default'.

Reread Attila's post a few before mine too - totally agree.

Look no one has the right to impose a child to their partner.
I really wanted another child, DH didn't. Yes I was upset. Yes it was hard to give up that dream. But that's what it was a dream.
There is no way I would ever have tricked my DH into being a father against his choice.
I'm
The same way he can NOT trick you into having a child against your wishes.

I would go to gp, get map and book a referral for sterilisation for yourself. You don't want any more children and your husband is this devious. You know now, what he is capable of, to get his own way, even against your wishes. He isn't giving you much choice. The pill isn't the most reliable, if you are adamant, you don't want to get pregnant again. If your husband doesn't see anything wrong with what he did? I think you're in a lot worse situation than you could imagine.

I think what saddens me most of all is that he wants to keep you pregnant so you are trapped with him rather than able to do your MA and have financial independence to leave

I am so sorry and angry that he did that to you

Sonjachall, not to derail, but I am guessing the OP's user name is a reference to The Secret History.

So sorry this happened to you. Please go and get MAP & see your doctor about a coil as back up. and don't tell him anything. It's your body and your choice not to have any more kids.
Please don't let his behaviour stop you getting you own life back. If you have to take the kids with you, get them a book each or something to keep them occupied while you speak to chemist. Sending you strength to deal with him. X

And as others have said please get counselling about your past experiences it will help with your future choices.

that's an awful thing to do hope things turn out ok for you .

OP as someone who is currently in the 'no more dc' camp l can't imagine how l would deal with if my dh did this. I know l would feel trapped and would need to be sorting my own contraception out. Incidentally l also track my cycles so we can have sex during the safer time, also using condoms.

He is destroying your relationship.

How are you going to feel if he wants sex tonight?

Or in a few days?

You can never trust him to care about your choice not to conceive again.

Get to the doctor and book your sterilisation asap. Don't discuss it with him.

Whilst you are waiting for this speak to any support agencies you can and get help to leave this man.

Get to the doctor and book your sterilisation asap. Don't discuss it with him.

This!

Just generally, the person who doesn't want to do a particular thing gets the veto.

When it's having (more) kids, x 100.

When it's the person with the uterus who says no, x 1,000,000.

and a bit at a loss about what else to say.

It must be a lot of utter crap to process, you poor love.

OP, you've had so much good advice about emergency contraception, ongoing contraception and LingTB that I won't keep beating that drum.

I will point out many unis have onsite childcare and/or can offer distance learning options. You don't have to wait to start that MA if you don't want to, and you certainly don't need permission from your husband.

MrsHenry this is just the start.

What I mean by that is that it's the start to you seeing his behaviours/control for what it is.

Your relationship is not healthy and the only concern he has is what he wants.

Are you going to continue to allow yourself to be treated like this? Do you want your children to grow up thinking that this is normal like your DH did?

I would go to see your GP and ask for therapy/counselling, I would read the book suggested up thread and keep posting. You deserve to live the life that you want to...not a life that he deems fit.

"Definitely do not tell him you'very taken the MAP."

Absolutely.

In fact I would go as far as to say if possible, take it as soon as you get it & dispose of the packaging/instructions there & not at home.

Thank you all again for your advice.

I will not be telling DH about the MAP. He would go nuts. He doesn't like me taking medication at the best of times.

He does come home every night but so late I'm not sure why he bothers sometimes.

He always says that he wants me to go back into education or get a job, just need to sort childcare. He actually wants me to work for him at his company but I've resisted that!

My username is a reference to The Secret History, a rather telling one given the circumstances.

He doesn't like me taking medication at the best of times.

Take care of yourself love

He doesn't like me taking medication at the best of times

More controlling behaviour. This isn't a nice man op.

He does come home every night but so late I'm not sure why he bothers sometimes

I think most of us could hazard a guess.

How does it make you feel that he gets a say in what medicines you take?

That is seriously weird and unacceptable.

Not remotely how things work in happy homes.

Oh god.
The more you write the more my skin crawls at the thought of this controlling nasty piece of work.
You really should call Womens Aid ASAP!
0808 2000 247
Also please read the Lundy Bancroft book - why does he do that!?
You really need to open your eyes to what is going on in your own life!
When you speak to Womens Aid make sure you ask about their Freedom Programme course!

What do you want OP? As in how do you see this going?

I don't know what I want at this point. I'm very upset and have felt sick since it happened.

I want to have a happy, normal marriage, but honestly, I'm terrified of being alone with 2 children. I didn't really want children and although I love them very much I think I'd go mad without help.

I have tried leaving before but obviously that didn't happen. I thought things were getting much better.