DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

"When he met me I was standing on my own two feet. He saw me give a speech at a work conference. He told me that as soon as he heard me speak he had to meet me."

Of course he had to meet you. Abusive men are often attracted to strong women. They like reducing them to powerless SAHMs who go along with them for an easy, "happy" life.

If he genuinely cared and was genuinely trying to be a better person and work on himself, he would talk to you about this and be honest. The fact he wouldn't even discuss it speaks volumes :(

He is being very controlling and doesn't want you to have your own life.

Please get some counseling for yourself, I found it very helpful and it really opened my eyes to controlling behaviour.

If you haven't already got it, you can order the MAP online from Superdrug and pick it up a few hours later from your nearest Superdrug with a pharmacy.

I'm so sorry he's put you in this horrible situation. What do you think he will say when you confront him about what he did?

Good to know that I can order online, thank you. I'm going to go into my nearest town later today and pick one up.

What will he say? I guess he'll totally deny it. Or maybe say that since I agreed to talk about it again in a year that I'm open to having another child.

You could get fitted with a diaphragm/cervical cap which would also be non hormonal although you would need to keep it hidden in case he sabotaged that too (make holes in it). Are you able to take the mini pill if the combined pill is contra indicated?

This reminds me of a scene in desperate housewives where Lynette punches her husband after she asked him to put on a condom and he said "let's risk it"

He's a psychopath
Run far away.

You really shouldn't be on the pill if you have problems with it.

What should happen is that you don't have sex with your husband, because you can't trust him.

Even if you take the pill, I suspect he WILL try to sabotage you.

What do you see happening in your relationship. Do you think there is a way forward?

Also, knowing this type of man, he will also sabotage the MA you intend to do.

This is completely unforgivable. It's such a violation of your autonomy, of your wishes, that I can hardly type. I'd be so, so, so furious. And it would certainly mean the instant death of our relationship.

Leave this man, OP. He is going to sabotage every attempt you make at being independent, starting by the MA. He wants his little woman in her place (pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen, making his dinner).

If you're at home with the kids monday to friday does he stay in the city or come home in the evening?

Are the children not able to go to nursery and you start your MA? or was it discussed that you and he would rather not put the kids in Nursery? Would i be totally wrong if i thought it might be he who didnt want the kids at nursery and you workling pt or doing MA or what have you?

No one thinks they are the bad guy in their story, even the bad guy's.

My ex's dad was controlling too, i believe he behaved like it partly through learned behaviour. He'd seen his dad do it and assumed it was normal so the cycle continues. He has children with his new wife now, i wonder how that cycle is going?

Maybe state failure rates for vasectomies as an excuse to get the sterilization, and tell him you think he was afraid to get the op, so you'll do it. Could you even trust him to get a vasectomy now? I think I would want to stay until they'd put him under before I could trust it to go ahead. If you would have an abortion in the event of an unplanned pregnancy, make sure he knows that. Conversation over. Then if his biological urges call him away, so be it.

But I think you'll find he'll look for other ways he can control you.

Unless the legal position has been updated been brought into the 21st century unfortunately this isn't seen as rape (totally wrong IMO).

I had a similar situation but apparently because I'd consented to sex, despite fact he'd removed the condom and despite the fact I would never have agreed to sex without it, it wasn't legally rape

Depends on the country - not sure about the UK, but I'm pretty sure that in Sweden it's classed as rape (it's one of the charges levelled at Julian Assange, IIRC).

This is awful. It's so manipulative and does sound very much like he wants to keep you at home where he can better control your life. That's a lot to read into your situation, I know, but unless he's 'dad of the year' and genuinely loves being surrounded by nappies and vomit, I just don't buy his need for more when he already has two very young ones already. You're getting a lot of tough love on here, but I think it's well placed because situations like this don't usually resolve themselves with a happy ending. We obviously don't know your relationship history, but if the control thing has always been there, it's going nowhere. I imagine the thought of going it alone with two very young children is terrifying –mine are both three and under and I know I would struggle. BUT, you deserve someone you can trust and who won't sexually assault (rape is terrifyingly accurate sadly but I really struggled to type it even in brackets...) you. I'm so sorry you are going through this and that he had done this to you. The technical term for him is an asshole I'm afraid..... Good luck with whatever you decide. But definitely don't have another child with him.

Your mumsnet name –I hope it's a cryptic thing rather than literal. If your other half is Henry Winter, you need to find your own identity again and run for the hills!!

He is highly likely to sabotage the contraception again. Condoms have a failure rate even if used correctly and they are very easy to tamper with. You need contraception that you control.
In your situation I'd go for the copper coil. It's possible your last one wasn't fitted quite correctly - go to your local gum clinic and tell them it's an emergency and they should see you really quickly to fit one.

And after that... Well your description of him makes my skin crawl. As metal midget says, this is basically what assange is charged with. It's assault. If he's away Monday to Friday then that works to your advantage. I'd continue to be sweet and lovely to him, get my ducks in a row (call womens aid, they will help) documents, bank details, pension details etc.... and then I'd be out the door.

Why consensual sex may still be rape

“A woman who agreed to sex might still be the victim of rape, the High Court has ruled. The most senior judge in England and Wales and two other judges said there was consensual penetration, but the man behaved aggressively and ignored the woman’s demand that he not ejaculate.”

from a quick google

Please don't tell him you've taken the MAP. I'd worry for your safety to be frank.

This is horrendous, and utterly unforgivable. How can you ever even look such a man in the eye again, let alone be considering ways of avoiding his unwanted insemination attempts like it's the 50s and it's our job to barricade the gates against those unstoppable males.

It's psychopathic, it really is. You are an object to him and you, object, are not acting in the way he demands. You're not his personal uterus or servant. He as broken the trust. He's broken his vows -to cherish? To protect?

An affair, a jail sentence, a huge error of judgement and massively hurtful act of any type, you can possibly, just possibly, talk about, forgive, move on from.

This? It's unforgivable. It's assault, it's one court-case away from being legally rape. It is rape. You didn't consent. Consenting to one act is not automatic consent of all others. This man raped you in an attempt to prevent you living your life, where you might get fanciful ideas like "christ, my marriage is a bit shit isn't it" and "maybe going it alone won't be so hard now I have this career and all this confidence."

Honestly I'd be considering getting some legal advice and finding out if this could be prosecuted, but that's just me wanting revenge against this tosser and seeing his reputation and finances wrecked by a conviction.

Perhas stay calm, tell him what he did was not on in any way whatsoever, then go with him and stay whilst he has the vasectomy to make sure he has it done. If he really doesn't want one, tell him no more sex until he does. If he loves you, he will understand that it needs both people to want another baby.
Perhaps there is something in his life that makes him think he wants another child. At one stage, when DS was a toddler, I was almost begging DH to say yes to another baby but I'd never have gone ahead and got pregnant without him agreeing. In the end I realised it wasn't another child I wanted, it was a job! I needed something to fill a void I was feeling and I thought that had to be a baby.

Could you think about sterilisation if you are 100% certain you don't want another child?

Definitely do not tell him you'very taken the MAP.

Buy yourself a "two week wait" to talk to Women's Aid and rape crisis experts and get your head together.

He thinks he's sorted for this month Now, you you safe from further sexual assault or rape until he knows you are not pregnant.

"I know it all looks really bad but we do generally have a very happy home".

Yes it looks really bad because you are in an abusive relationship. No you do not have a happy home. You are not happy there are you?. He's now trying to get you pregnant without your consent, that is sexual abuse.

Your life is really and has been mapped out by him for you, its all on his own terms only.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?.

He knows full well the type of childhood you had and has exploited that innate vulnerability within you to his own abusive ends. He targeted you deliberately.

Definitely go for the MAP. NHS choices should tell you where you can get it from, locally - no need to do the GP appointment lottery.

And I wouldn't be having sex with the bastard again.