DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

Morning Mrs

Well done for seeing the GP and good luck for today. Some of what has been written by PP, must be difficult to read. I just wanted to gently say, that it is out of concern and in some way you also recognise that this isn't right. I have always been a believer in its what has not been said that speaks volumes.....

He's smart enough to tell you what he knows you want to hear because he knows that by saying that he gets to keep you. He doesn't mean what he says. It's all about control.

What are you thinking of studying op? Can you get in a late application for September or do you have to wait?

I have been reading about psychopaths afer looking at the grey rock link. It's pretty scary stuff and somethings ring true.

Especially the parts about avoiding boredom and seeking out 'shiny' things. We are just getting into a nice rhythm in life, one where I can plod along and get others things done. I wonder if this is now too 'boring' and he wants the excitement and drama of a new baby. I don't know.

I feel so torn. I am constantly praying that I'm not pregnant however I picked up some conception vitamins yesterday. Not because I want a baby but because I feel so fucking guilty about a potential life that I'm already letting down.

I know DH isn't really interested in my feelings. He just strokes my head and shhhes me as if I'm an upset child.

keep thinking, keep pushing mentally at it all. Are you interested in studying psychology at all?

There are definitely psychopaths in life, that's just a fact, and you may well have married one. Whatever his "diagnosis" though, even if he didn't have one, you have the right to leave (as and when you're ready to).

Won't he find the conception vitamins and take it as a sign that you want to get pregnant and have the baby?

He says you can study. Will you be doing this from home? How will he feel about you going out to work and using childcare for the children?

My subject is very specialist so I'd rather not say. I couldn't start this September, not with a toddler at home and DH wouldn't give me the money I'd need. I have access to all our money but I wouldn't take out £1000s without his agreement.

I don't know if I'll start another thread. It's been very distracting. I will update everyone though in a few weeks.

he said I can do whatever I like

You think being told what you are allowed to do is nice.

This is not a nice thing to say to a spouse at all.

It's the kind of thing I say to my 8 year old.

I did think about that Emma but I take so many supplements that he wouldn't notice an extra one. I'll get rid of the box.

Taking those supplements is accepting that you are going to be giving him the baby he wants and that your MA is just a pipe dream.

Mrs

Do look up more info on 'sociopaths', 'psychopaths' and 'narcissistic personality disorder.'

Also, take a look on youtube at 'Labyrinth of the psychopath.' They and sociopaths and narcissists are all around us in day to day life, often non-violent until provoked and they often operate in highly functional jobs, requiring reduced or no empathy.

As your husband collects people based on usefulness and can drop people like a brick and switch off any feelings, like with his ex and how he treats you, I have no doubt that he has a severe personality disorder.

When he worked the night shift. ..he had his mates come and take me out to go clubbing. Just another form of control to keep tabs on where I was.

At the time I thought it was considerate and nice that he was thinking about me not being bored while he worked.

It probably took over 10 years being out of the relationship to recognise that those things weren't right.

Mrs H

You say....

He doesn't talk down to you in front of the kids anymore = he does talk down when they aren't around.

When I read other relationship threads where people complain that their partner doesn't help around the house or forgets their birthday or is useless with the children , I think how lucky I am.

DH always helps me in the house (this weekend he was weeding the garden for me because he knows I hate it but I'm a very keen gardener), he buys me amazing gifts and makes the children celebrate my birthday, he adores the children and spends hours playing with them and reading to them.

'Helps' you!??
Really?
Why? Is it all your job usually?
And he kindly 'helps'!?
Fuck that. It's his home and garden too and it's HIS job as well as yours.
Stop thinking like this. He really has brain washed you very well.
You think it's lovely that he's 'helping'.
While most other men actually get on and do that because they know it's a shared responsibility. As it's an equal partnership.
Does your relationship feel equal?

The choice is not between a lazy shite and a psychopathic controller who rapes you.

As well you know.

MrsHW, he wasn't weeding the garden 'for you', the garden needed weeding, therefore he weeded it.

DH comes out with that kind of shite sometimes, like, 'I've emptied the dishwasher for you', or 'I've pegged the washing out for you', I tell him to fuck right off, it's not like I am the only one who makes dirty dishes and washing.

DH forgets all birthdays and presents, he's utterly useless at that stuff. But he's not useless. He's kind, generous, gentle, funny, supportive, thoughtful, sensitive. I couldn't give a monkeys about the birthdays, he's wonderful at letting me be me iyswim?

And he doesn't give a shit about how the carrots are stacked in the fridge, which is a good job really

Whilst posters can identify certain traits in Mrs H's report of her husbands behaviour - ie antisocial and narcissistic- posters on here are not qualified to suggest that he has a personality disorder. To be diagnosed with a personality disorder there are fixed criteria to be met following many assessments.

Psychopathy is not even a term used anymore in the context of personality disorders - so to bandy around terms like "psychopath" is in my view incorrect and unfair to Mrs H .

It is an alarmist outdated term.

I agree that her husband seems to have narcisstic and antisocial traits - but please let's leave the diagnosing to the experts ie Consultant Psychiatrists .

Music I am really not sure how reading up on narcissists and "sociopaths" ??? Is going to help Mrs H.

Need to be very careful what information posters are directing Mrs H to - I for one am not surprised that she is not inclined to start another thread.

Mrs H - as many have said please speak to women's aid .

I agree with above. I think it would be respectful at the moment to just calm it a little with the wild labelling and opinions etc. Mrs h is saying she'll report back in a few weeks.....lets just allow her to breathe..........

If you don't start a new thread, please keep re-reading this one. The relationship you are in has made you feel this way. Very slowly you will start to see all the truth about your life. You will get stronger and realise you will be happier without him. During that time you can prepare for leaving. Without pushing all the boundaries so he pushes you back.

Please do not have the baby and please do your MA. If the coil fails/you are pregnant then you could be having a medical termination with 2 little tablets within days of AF being late. Please do not let him tie you to him any further.

Best of luck and please stay safe and start phoning women's aid etc. I promise you that so much of your life that you see as normal really isn't.

Good point NoMud. I also think that the source/reasons behind his behaviour are irrelevant, in a way. Whether he has a personality disorder or not, the fact remains that he is extremely abusive. That is very unlikely to change. Doing lots of research on personality disorders and trying to diagnose him is not particularly helpful especially if it feeds the hope that he can be "fixed". He can't. Even if he could, the power dynamic in this relationship has been so fucked up imbalanced for so long that it would be impossible to recalibrate.

AnotherEmma yes totally - the reasons for the behaviour are irrelevant - it's harmful regardless of which traits or personality disorder - we just need to keep Mrs H's experience at the heart of the thread.

Our responses need to be measured because this woman is so understandably fragile at the moment - we want to empower her - not make her feel more confused or anxious.

Going to play devil's advocate for a moment.

Are you planning to use your MA to launch a career? If not, if money is tight then I can understand the objection.

I would never spend thousands or embark on a serious course of study without discussing it with my DH. I am mainly a SAHM (I freelance when I can) and his job is pretty full-on, involving a lot of evening and weekend work, so because it brings home the bacon, and keeps our 5 children fed & clothed it's fair to prioritize it.

That said DH is very happy to support my doing some study to help me get back to work, or to help me expand my horizons and knowledge. He will also bend over backwards to change his diary on those rare occasions I get an invite to a night out in London without him.

So I don't think the not wanting to spend money signing up to something without having discussed it is necessarily sinister.

The asking permission to have your life back, to go out, the list of chores, having diet, exercise and clothing determined and controlled, contents of fridge checked, list of chores, no choice in type of phone handset, being talked down to, being expected to have sex when not aroused, being penetrated under false petrences, not being allowed to take medication, attempts to impose pregnancy, being accountable every half hour, not being allowed basic dignity or privacy, all is!

I am sorry if I have been a bit full-on MrsHW and I know you will baulk at this but you are being denied basic freedoms and human rights, enshrined by law. It's like a form of slavery.

You are a human being with equal dignity and worth and you deserve the same rights to happiness, love and respect as everyone else.

You have every right to choose what food you want to eat and whether or not you want to have a baby. Whatever else, just keep that in mind.