DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

MrsHW - Firstly I just want to say I am sorry you're going through this. You must be in complete shock at the moment.

The panic that everyone is feeling for you is understandable, from everything you've said it is clear this is not a healthy relationship and that realisation must be very upsetting for you.

You may feel safe, you may not feel abused. Of course he is going to be lovely and caring towards you, because he doesn't want you going anywhere - now or in the future - but that is not coming from genuine love and care. It is coming from his need to be in control and for everything to work in his favour so he can maintain that.
He is pretending and he is fooling you. That isn't your fault, it's a trap many of us have easily fallen in to and many more women will.

It's manipulation and it is wrong and unfair and I know you don't see it that way, because you've spent so many years under his thumb, and I know you don't want to leave, but as everyone else has said you would be much better off without him.

If you could imagine one of your DC in the same situation, what would your advice to them be?
If my DD was being treated this way, I'd go and lay the b***d out myself.

He won't change. He doesn't respect anyone, even himself. He has serious issues and they will most likely only get worse. You are not responsible for keeping him happy. He's treating you like a puppet on a string and despite there being no immediate danger, this is still abuse. It comes in so many forms and mixed up with so many other "normal" parts of life that sometimes it just isn't obvious, and it's awful that you are now at a point where you're comfortable with all of this.

Do not feel ashamed, or weak, you are stronger than you know and you are your own person.
Life is so very short, can you honestly say you want to spend the rest of your life with him?
Living this way? Letting someone else dictate everything you do? Worrying whether or not you've done everything "right" during the day? Not having a say in your own life?

The reality of it is that you are 100% capable of making your own choices, no one else should be doing that for you, especially your own H.

Please be kind to yourself while you figure it all out, you have some fantastic support on here and I know you have received more advice than you bargained for, but in this case it is a good thing, because no one wants you to suffer at the hands (or mind) of this man.

To put into context, in a divorce and issues of contact, finances etc - you concentrate and make most capital about the things that actually matter least to you. Worked for my friend an absolute treat.

Mrs HW
I have been reading this all weekend with a growing sense of worry for you. However I have every faith that the more you post & share the more you will feel supported enough to make some crucial decisions re your future. The best thing you can do is stay on here, stay calm & eventually start planning. You will all be fine as you are a switched on lady who just needs some time to process everything she has read this weekend. Please contact WA soon as possible......... I promise you won't regret it. Positive thoughts & clever planning is all you need & you have already proved that you are capable of both. You are not alone in this....... Stay strong

If the r word upsets you OP, can you accept that the sex you have is in an abusive format? The definition of consent in UK law is founded on the individual having the freedom and capacity to consent. If you are coerced by moods and grumpiness and fear of the consequences of not having it, you're not truly free. You're not doing it because you want it. You're doing it because you feel you have to.

The domination and control you experience in your emotional life is reflected in your sex life - what is being done to you sexually is part and parcel of the whole picture.

And that's quite apart from non-consensual impregnation.

None of it is ok.

OP, you might find it helpful to read about coercive sexual abuse. Hopefully that description is less upsetting than "rape" - and I think that it's more accurate in your case.

This article which explains sexual coercion clearly and succinctly:
www.bustle.com/articles/67926-is-it-rape-if-you-say-yes-5-types-of-sexual-coercion-explained

His behaviour regarding contraception (preventing you from accessing contraception, keeping track of your cycle and forcing unprotected sex without your consent) is called reproductive coercion.

You also said that he is often very rough during sex. I'm guessing that he does this whether you like it or not. This suggests to me that there is sexual violence and you're not willingly consenting to it.

it's amazing actually how much the human brain (and body) is able to endure with out just simply collapsing under the pressure - your situation sounds horrific from the outside but I can understand you have put coping mechanisms in place in order to survive on the inside. I think you've made a massive step forward by posting here, and continuing to come back and check in - like other peeps have said, I wish I could come and knock on the door for a cup of tea and just provide some companionship and support whilst you sort yourself out. Keep safe xx

Thank you for that link Fizzy it is enlightening. And thank you again for sharing your story and for your continuing support.

So he thinks ppl who dont want children are defective OP. Did he coerce you into having the children you have (im not doubting you love them) I have a feeling he finds ppl who excercise their own rights and autonomy as "defective" because they serve him no purpose. Defective is a word that is used to describe machinery usually not people. He dosnt see other ppl as having feelings. He is displaying the traits of a psychopath.

Im childfree by choice and years ago on a TV show i got told i wasnt human.............by a man natch!

Men who think this way about childfree women are upset because they cant control them by keeping them bogged down in the domestic drudgery that goes with having children. (no disrespect meant to any parents ....this is how men like this think.

If i was dating someone who said anything like the above to me they would be dropped like a hot potato.

OP he didnt want children to be a loving nurturing father. He wanted them for two reasons.

1. to control you and keep you at home.
2. to compliment his portfolio and make himself look like Good Family Man to the outside world.

I wish we could just all arrive at your doorstep and rescue you

Yes, yes!

The grey pebble link is very interesting.
I may use it now, as DS has caused a recent upset by escaping his control.

^^ this
His hysteria at you refusing another child is the panic at you potentially spreading your wings - MA, in lectures so not able to answer his call, not being exactly where he wants you.

I'm not sure whether the OP wants to be "rescued"

Good point, Emma.

This thread may be helpful to you in future, op. For now you've enough on your plate re worrying about being pg/organising emergency contraception with limited mobility etc.

Me neither Emma. I.posted that up thread but nobody really paid much attention. I think all the LTB stuff, whilst totally understandable, is just overwhelming and upsetting the OP who clearly has no intention of going anywhere.

Which is why our goal should be to heed what the OP wants. She has given no indication of wanting to change the status quo in her relationship, just to prevent pregnancy.

Many people in abusive relationships don't want to leave. It doesn't mean they should stay. Too many people stay until too late. and too many people tell them to stay too, not least of all their abusers.

She's been told for 36 pages to leave though! It's not like anyone has told her to stay!

I'm the first to recoil in horror at the picture thats been painted - but the OP has been told, and now must let it all percolate for a while, surely? And the coil is the most important thing right now.

Actually, quite a lot of the advice is how to stay. How to get long term contraception and so on.

I agree, I think we can only be here to support. It's a whole lot to take in and absorb at present.

But that's because with the best will in the world, nobody leaves overnight after first posting! (Well except the odd dramatic troll)

So I'm hoping this sows a seed, that's all any of us can hope for.

Lweji, none of the advice about contraception is about suggesting the OP should stay. It's acknowledging it may take a while to process and progress everything and in the meantime, pregnancy needs to be prevented.

You're right. I'm not going to back our bags and walk out tomorrow. 5 days ago I had a husband who was hard work and rather eccentric and now I have a psychopath on my hands. It will take time to filter everything I'm reading.

There are many things I'd like to change and I think this is where I'll start thinking about the future and what it can look like. Firstly, I'd really love to be able to have a fridge that wasn't inspected every evening. I'd love to store carrots however I fucking wanted to.

One thing to bear in mind is that he is not as all-knowing as you think. In fact he is seriously limited on what he 'knows'.

Because his life is ruled by a tunnel vision - re what is important to him. Whole swathes pass him by. He doesn't get nuances because his overriding concern is what is important to him - he is obsessed and can't see beyond it. HIs entire focus is what he wants, how he wants things to be. The reason he's not interested in what interests you is because, well, it has no bearing on what is important to him. He'd only notice if you are interested in something that clashed with what is important to him.

In short, my abusive ex was spectacularly stupid sometimes because of his all-encompassing interest in his own interests. He was very bright, a philosophy graduate, a businessman, devastatingly handsome, charming, very stylish. Women made fools of themselves in his presence.

He chose me in order to mold me into what he wanted in a wife - I was just an object he could project all his self-interest onto. He was doing quite well until I lost my marbles. But then of course I was a nutter, always was, always would be. He was bitterly disappointed his investment turned out to be duff.

There's the other thing that men like this loathe women. But perhaps that's for another day.

Tell me about the carrots, I am intrigued?

I'd love to store carrots however I fucking wanted to

Be brave - try it