DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

I used grey stone rock funnily enough on a former female colleague who had a history of becoming close friends with people, dramatic fall-outs and then attempting to maliciously ruin their careers, with smear campaigns. She also got a kick out of breaking up marriages and then moving swiftly on.

Made myself utterly dull and escaped The Rage as she was known. True fact.

My friend got through a hideous divorce using selective grey rock. Managed to pre-empt and head off a lot of crap, as well as having the satisfaction of completely baffling the pyscho

" I'd love to store carrots however I fucking wanted to

Be brave - try it"

Don't if it would bring you more scrutiny.

yes, that did make me chuckle. Do you move them around on a daily basis? Or wedge them in between the cartons of milk??

a fridge that wasn't inspected every evening God, I'm don't think DH knows what's in ours. I'm not even sure I do. On the plus side, I guess at least you won't find mouldy cucumbers hidden at the bottom like we did one time? hint: awful

Seriously ... Slowly slowly. One step at a time. Keep thinking and fighting that comforting fog. The whole thing sounds so terrifying.

None of this can be "good" for him either, it sounds like he has massive MH issues. (Not that he's the one I'm worried about TBH.)

The carrots will be because he is an obsessive control freak. Everything must be done his way.

When I was in a similar situation I remember buying a can of Ambrosia rice pudding and necking it all in one sitting while watching daytime TV.

It felt like a significant act of rebellion!

Savage humour can also be a really helpful tool for you in this situation. Seeing the situation as worthy of cutting satire could be very cathartic. I bet he'd hit the roof if you gave any of the DC the odd fruit shoot or Jaffa cake!

MrsHW, I have a coil and just asked hubby if he could feel it when we have sex. He said no, never and that he wouldn't have a clue it was there.

Perhaps your OH was playing on it because he didn't want you to be protected or maybe he felt it because he knew it was there. If it's trimmed and he doesn't know it's there then hopefully he won't say anything.

He's beginning to sound more and more like Patrick Bateman!

MrsHW, I am sending my DH over to yours, he is, er, chaotic to put it kindly. Your DH would have his work cut out for years

Just a light hearted post, meant with good will

Someone said this pages ago.. but the carrots and fridge inspection is so much like Julia Roberts and sleeping with the enemy.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Bide your time.

There are many things I'd like to change and I think this is where I'll start thinking about the future and what it can look like. Firstly, I'd really love to be able to have a fridge that wasn't inspected every evening. I'd love to store carrots however I fucking wanted to

It's entirely up to you what you do, and staying in this is your choice, but thinking he might change is a big mistake. He can't change. The changes he would have to make in order for you to be happy are so fundamental that he would have to become a different person. Furthermore his emotional security is predicated on controlling his environment. If you try and change anything, he will feel threatened and panicked. If you try to take away his control in one area, he will increase it in another. If you seem restless and insubordinate, he will increase all the dominating behaviours to get you back under his thumb.

Please don't be so naive as to believe that this relationship can be improved. This is the best it will ever be. You either accept your life exactly as it is - or reject it wholesale. There is no halfway house.

American Psycho is one of his favourite films. One of my favourite books incidentally, DH doesn't read fiction.

I will leave the carrots as they are. It's not worth the crap to move them. And no, there are no rotten vegetables in our fridge, if they're were I would probably have to eat them.

*there

He likes a challenge needa

Beware, though, because the realisation of what you're in will make your life and compliance so much harder. You may be pushed or punished sooner than you intend to.
Realising that you can leave at any time and how to leave safely and with the least impact for you, it's very important.

Nobody expects you to leave tomorrow, but I'd really rather you prepared for it, than still having secret hormone shots a year from now, or enduring major surgery in secret. Of all this, leaving is the easiest option.

Don't do this because it would go down very badly, but am now picturing you making alternate sculptures every day out of your carrot stack, like giant orange Lego. One day a Christmas tree, the next a log cabin etc. Perhaps a flower garden with carrot stalks and cucumber slice petals

My ex he used to sulk if i refused sex. So i would get pissed to face it, he'd sulk and sulk about feeling unloved. In the end it was just easier to get it over with, after all a few minutes putting up with it was better than the days of sulking until eventually i would give in anyway.

Now i realise that was coercive behaviour, i wasn't consenting in the true sense of the word. I was getting it done for an easy life.

Life was ok, i didn't realise it wasn't normal anyone pointing it out i would detach from - how dare they question it (deep deep down a little baboon bottom knew though). I too was a strong (all be it damaged) professional - i think we are better to 'break'. Eventually i had a lightbulb moment and knew i had to go, i had nothing (we weren't married) he had stripped me of every financial asset. But i went, it was a small price to pay for my freedom.
Life on the other side is great, its left its scars i won't lie. If I'm going to be late home from somewhere i get the panic and try to pacify my new partner - he doesn't give a shit as long as I'm safe (he doesn't ring up a hundred times to check though as he knows if i wasn't he'd have heard). We have sex rarely, and thats ok too but its my choice when we do. I don't get accused or questioned about everything, and I'm not scared when things go wrong. Those egg shells have taken a long time to sweep away though.
As i posted before my ex 'learnt' his behaviour from his dad, like yours. This isn't a cycle i would want to continue. His mum actually got me out, on the basis she wanted me to have a life and not live her life. One of his brothers went off the rails with drugs because he was rebelling against his dads control and obviously he morphed into a mini version of his dad.
Had we had children i am pretty sure it would have carried on, either thinking its normal or rebelling. Either way its not a healthy childhood to see your mum not able to chose whats for dinner, or even go to the doctors without having to lie.
Even now 15 years later i get flash backs of how things were and i realise how wrong it was. I didn't realise my story was the same or as 'bad' as it really was.

Your lightbulb time will come, it WILL, and you WILL feel strong enough to deal with it. Your in a better position than me as your married, so you do have assets and financially you will be ok. Start slowly copying things and keeping them somewhere safe. Most of all, keep yourself safe and keep playing 'the good girl'. He will notice somethings up, so keep your head down for now.

Good luck xxxx

We need googly eyed carrots to go with the googly eyed courgettes from last week's fridge thread.

I know where I'd fantasise about storing the bloody things, MrsHW

www.weighthacker.com/2012/04/23/how-to-make-an-edible-darth-vader-sculpture-out-of-a-carrot/

One of my favourite books incidentally, DH doesn't read fiction.

Does he pay much attention to what you read, like regardless whether he has interest in fiction, are there fictional books he has said no to you reading?

I ask because.. Well, the only Stephen King book I've read is Rose Madder, and it really resonated. I picked it up again to read after leaving my perp, to raise my spirits like. If you've never read it, you'd be allowed to, and you think it may be an interesting read, I totally recommend it for times you feel like you aren't the strong individual that you actually are :)

Also, it's good you seem to have a sort of dark sense of humour about this situation and your H. That will come in handy.

I can read whatever I like. He's totally uninterested. I don't get much time but I do read still. He pretended to be a big reader when we met but he was lying. He would read books that I'd mentioned so we had something to talk about or read a synopsis. He doesn't pretend anymore.

MrsH, when you leave and it's a 'when' not 'if' because you WILL get the strength and the lightbulb moment - get the carrots out on the worktops and spell out, in carroty writing, 'Goodbye Nutter'.

OP your fridge comment reminded me, ex would not allow me to order take away ever. I had to cook from scratch every single day. Sometimes he'd even turn up with ten friends in tow and expect everyone to be fed a banquet!

When I left him, I spent the first year away having wonderful fun ordering take out almost every night. Because I bloody well could.
I had ice cream for breakfast because I bloody well could.
I spent weekends in pjs with the DC because I could and nobody was there to stop me.

Freedom is sweet. xx

I swear MrsHW, I haven't managed in nearly 20 years to tame the splendid whirligig of chaos that my DH is, and bizarrely he also runs a successful business too, he would certainly be a project of some merit to tame

Hope you are ok tonight, some reflection time, while the perception of status quo is the same for your DH at least anyway, will do no harm and give you chance to breathe.

You say you are safe.

Would you still feel safe if he read this thread?

He has tricked you into believing you are safe. It's part of the abuse.

I never realised I was in an abusive relationship until after it was over.

Read up on morbid jealousy, I'm sure you will recognise a lot of it. Good luck op, realising all is not right, is the beginning of your freedom.