DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

Hi Mrs H. I've been following this thread from the beginning. You have certainly had a lot of advice and I'm not going to add to that regarding contraception or LTB. At the end of the day you will make up your own mind.

I wanted to just give you the perspective of a child. My father had some of your husband's traits. As a small child, I always wondered why my mother was so passive. Prior to marrying him she had been a graduate at the start of a promising career but gave it all up to support his climb to chairman of the board status. Apparently he targeted her from afar, similar to the way your husband did. My father didn't explode on my mother often but when he did it was terrifying. When I became a teenager he seemed to transfer his focus onto me. It was a dreadful time for me - very scary. He wasn't physically abusive but lots of threats of violence and shouting. I always wished my mum has stuck up for me but she was such a shell of a person by that point that she couldn't/wouldn't. I challenged her about this in adulthood after she had recovered (divorced and remarried) but she still didn't offer me a satisfactory explanation. I believe she chose to stay with him for the status and lifestyle she was granted by his earnings and position. Eventually he left her for a younger model. On reflection as an adult, I believe my father had narcissistic traits. Possibly your husband also does? When I researched this condition it gave me a whole new perspective on my father and his behaviour. Hope this helps in some way and I wish you all the best.

I think right now, MrsHW needs to remain safe where she is. The best way to do that is to go with the flow, to not raise any suspicion. To be that serene swan appearing to float upstream while paddling like hell below the surface.

I know it goes against the grain for those of us who have been in her situation, we want to scream 'get the hell out', but I know I had 'that time' where my mind was whirling with new information to be digested and acknowledged, and then plans that must be made with the utmost stealth. I did things and agreed to things that I really didn't want to in order to have the time I needed. It was repugnant to my soul, but I did it for my 'greater good' as it were.

Just be open to knowledge, MrsHW, and listen to your gut. Look at the women in relationships, the happy ones, around you and realize that they are not living like you. That they have a freedom that you do not have. Ask yourself why that is. The answer is not because they do whatever their husbands say, it's because there is mutual respect and caring. Something that is NOT in your marriage.

DistanceCall. WTFDYTYTT?!

I totally agree with the calm and slow approach Across.

On the other hand MrsH (and not to try and make you paranoid) but you might inadvertently be acting differently just by thinking things through.

Please think about being ready to leave, just on that weird 1% offchance that things get nasty without much warning. Ideally you would be able to grab the kids, pre-packed bag with cash, passports, documents, snacks, and go (to the police if necessary).

You probably won't need it but if you do, you'll be better knowing you have a plan.

I agree acrossthepond

I know, absolutely, what a wonderful source of advice MN is and that it is coming from a good place but just lean off MrsHW a bit please.

It is absolutely headwrecking to be in this situation and it is also headwrecking to have people tell you things with absolute certainty that you cannot believe even if deep down you might know there is some truth.

MrsHW is playing this absolutely right.

Priority 1: do not get pregnant and do this without him finding out. If he thinks you are pg let him. It is safer.

This might be frustrating for posters who want to shake the OP awake but by not doing what he wants over this is already a massive step towards independence.

Priority 2: think about how life is now and what you want from it (MA) and what will make that possible.

Priority 3: look at his behaviour and you response to it and really observe if this is what you want. You are already starting to do this.

Picture your mini carrot rebellion.

It is your life MrsHW. You must choose what you do. Otherwise you are swapping one person telling you what to do for another set of (very well meaning) people telling you what to do.

You are doing brilliantly OP. You are looking afresh and managing to voice the things that happen in your rs that you are uncertain about.

You don't have to tell anyone in rl if you don't want to but if /when you do rest assured WA are brilliant and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I know other posters really want to set MrsHW free from this rs but a decision that is come to in the OPs own time is one that she is far more likely to be able to stick to and carry out.

It is much better to wake up slowly and to go when you are ready than to stay sleeping.

Take care of yourself MrsHW. I really feel for you as this must be a tough process to go through. It has been a hard few days. Just the realisation that he would try to force a pregnancy on you is a big realisation.

Be kind to yourself big hugs. We are all wishing and hoping for you.

And please be gentle with the OP.

Those of us who have left might look back with hindsight and hortor and think those hesitations were wasted days and wasted weeks and we should not have spent one more minute of our lives on those Fuckwits. But they were not wasted. We were taking our time growing our wings and our armour and getting our running shoes on. Its better to do it later and well prepared and successfully than not at all.

MrsHW - you may need to start a new thread soon as this one is approaching 1,000 messages.

It is your life MrsHW. You must choose what you do. Otherwise you are swapping one person telling you what to do for another set of (very well meaning) people telling you what to do.

This.
With bells on.

I hope you don't feel badgered by us, MrHW
You take your time, think and plan as you see fit.
The MN Massif is here for you, any time.

What are you meant to do with the carrots?

Yes to Sleeping With the Enemy. The cans in the cupboard scene. Chilling.

My DH pesters me for sex sometimes and I tell him he's acting like a big baby and it makes me never want to sleep with him again. And then he apologizes and doesn't do it anymore. That's how normal life is supposed to be, I think. Like today, the children have been ill and the house is disusting. Truly disgusting. And the children and I are truly disgusting too. We're all in our pajamas with matted hair and need baths, and the floor is filthy because the dog tracked mud in and then rolled in it, and I'm not going to even think about making dinner.

It does not even occur to me to try to remedy any of these things before DH gets home from work. And he won't mind. And it's been awhile since we've had sex so he might try tonight but if I'm exhausted and don't fancy it, he won't mind. Friends can (and do) randomly call me in the evening and ask if I want to run out to get a quick drink and chat and I'll leave him to put the DC to bed and he won't mind.

And on, and on. Because he knows that I am my own person. I am not his possession to do with what he wants. And that is the way it is for all of my friends too. And it's not anything special, it's just the minimum of normal human behavior.

OP I need to tell you this for the sake of your children.

I nurse women. Today I have come home wanting to bleach my brain because one of the ladies I look after who was in a relationship much like yours - her darling child tried to hang himself twice - because living in the same house as he grew older became aware that his own family environment was not as it should be. He feels guilty that he was powerless to help.

Yes - you might be happy (or were) but please don't think for a second that if this continues that your DC will come out of it well.

They won't. They will most likely have psychological issues of their own - risks of depression, anxiety , substance misuse, self harm - and there is a risk that your DD will replicate your relationship and become involved in abusive relationships herself.

The psychological outcomes for your children if you stay with this man WILL be adversely affected and I say that as a mental health nurse with many years of experience. Years of supporting survivors of trauma and PTSD related to abuse , and years of supporting now adult children who witnessed their mothers being emotionally abused.

Please. speak to Women's Aid.

Please listen to the survivors on this thread - life can be better. You deserve better. You have rights . You do not have to do this alone.

MrsHW
Well on the bright side, at least you can read what you like :)
Just for background info, has your H ever expressed a dislike for people not being authentic when you first meet them? Like when you first meet them it's really their representative you're meeting.

Acrossthepond
Nailed it.

SmallLegs
But they were not wasted. We were taking our time growing our wings and our armour and getting our running shoes on. Its better to do it later and well prepared and successfully than not at all.
I wouldn't have done much differently when looking back in hindsight. You're right, it isn't wasted time or a wasted experience. Going through it and coming out the other side helps build our characters.

And it's important to handle things how you want to handle them, on your terms. It's the first step to getting back the real you that has been smothered all that time.

And MrsH you are keen to point out that your husband had modified his behaviour in front of the children - but it's what they WONT see that's the problem.

But you can't see that because he has conditioned you .

Your children are at great risk of emotional harm MrsH.

there are no rotten vegetables in our fridge, if there were I would probably have to eat them.

Anyone else perturbed by this? He would make you eat them as a punishment? Even if you said this tongue-in-cheek, it still worries me.

Yes.
It gave me pause, clam.

Yes I wondered about that too.

Yes, it's a horrible image. I can think of two threads which have horrified me as much as this one, and I have been on MN since 2005; this is up there with those two, unforgettable, strong, admirable women, both of whom got away and are - afaik - thriving.

Thinking of you, MrsHW. I thought I'd just mention that a woman I used to know ensured that her underage, sexually active, dd was given contracptive shots every 3 months. It would be hard for him to catch you out on that. No strings, no pills, no nothing to show....

Good luck at the surgery tomorrow.

Do you remember StarsnStripes? She began what seemed like quite a benign thread about her husband stropping when she asked him to pick up some milk on the way home from work and, bit by bit, a whole host of abusive behaviour emerged. She managed to leave in the end.

Personally I'd stick the carrots up his arse

OMG. This is probably the most horrifying g thing I have read on here. My heart breaks when you asked something like was it normal to ask to go out and it turns out that is just the tip of the iceberg. I've just read through the other thread linked, about the poster who was being horrendously abused and left. Please read it and get some tips. This is no life for you. .

MrsH is nowhere near ready to leave this bloke. But I hope this thread remains in her head and she can process it in her own time and maybe, hopefully sooner rather than late, effect some sort of change in her life.

Clam, yes that's the best we can hope for, that her eyes are a little less scaled up, and a train of thought is started.(I do remember Stars. She came back to tell everyone about how great the refuge she went to was, didn't she? She was another extraordinary woman.)

Women are astonishing. I want you, particularly you MrsHW, to know that. That you are an astonishing, strong, clever woman. You, and all of us, deserve the best life we can find here. We deserve to be cherished, cared for, encouraged, helped and loved. Loved properly. Not put in a cage of cotton wool-covered barbed wire, obeying instructions, placating people who aren't worth the shit on our shoes, begging for permission to have an outing, following someone else's rules which are based only on their whims.

MrsHW, you have spent years ensuring that you and your children are unhurt, even with the worst kind of controlling partner constantly checking on you, allowing and not allowing. Even though your life has been so heartily restricted and curtailed, there is still that grain inside which has said "This is not right." You are still there, curled up, protecting yourself, but hanging on.

You are coming back.

Boaty I don't think OP can have the shot.

CheerfulYank I'd been wondering about that tbh. Istr MrsHW said she had confirmation within the last year that hormonal contraception was still not possible, but which doctor said that? The one that knows her H?

Good morning again

Due to a very particular family history I can't have hormonal contraception. I just can't. I can't say more really as it would be identifying to those who know me.

I spoke to DH last night about studying and he said I can do whatever I like, he just wants me to be happy. I wish he would remember the nice things he says when he's in a rage about something.

Morning OP
Thing is, a) words are cheap - whether he actually waves you off to uni with a smile when crunch time comes is another matter and b) he's hoping/expecting you to be pregnant anyway...

Hope you are OK this morning.

Morning! Hope you are ok today. If you feel you want to, do start a new thread so we can keep supporting you. But only if you want to.