DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

He's home every night.

What would he do if you refused him sex? If you said you just didn't feel like it, were too tired or had a headache?

Don't forget that some long term contraception alters your cycle so periods disappear or are lighter/heavier/shorter/longer etc. If he is that attuned to your cycle, he might notice this. However, if that does happen it could be a good excuse to see the doctor and arrange to be sterilised.

I suspect the reason his ex tried to kill herself is because he has a pattern of picking up on people's previous damage (childhood abuse and neglect for example) and exploiting it. She was probably a very unhappy woman before she met him too.

As a one off that would be fine. If I continued to refuse sex he would get very grumpy and it leaks into every part of our lives. To be honest it's better that we do have sex as it keeps him happy. I'm not being raped though and I am upset that people keep saying that.

He can check who you call via the phone bill and see who you text.... so he doesn't need to ask you for for phyical access to the phone. He already has access.

Some providers can even get a transcript of the text messages sent.
There is nothing to concern him .... so all is well.

OP, I might be wrong, but you are not having sex as a mutual expression of love, desire and an affirmation of intimacy in your relationship, comfort, security, whatever. You are having sex because it keeps him happy.

Askingforapal - that is what I thought too but couldn't think how to word it. her self confidence was probably zero. All of this is very sad.

How do you access data? Is it on your phone? Via home wi-fi? Or mobile internet?

Did he have access to this phone before you?

Did you open it out of the box?

Did he 'set it up' for you?

MrsHW, how would your ideal life look? If it was with your power to make changes, what would they be? Not in a 'become an international pop star' sense, but in terms of what you would like to be different about daily life. If you do some thinking about that, it allows you to think about what role he has in that life (or if he really has one) what might be approachable as something to negotiate with him, what would be ideal to you but that you think he would never willingly agree with.

I'm asking this because you are clearly not in a position either practically or mentally to go, but I think it would help to think about possible changes to your life short of the apocalyptic ones.

I opened it, he can't even turn it on. He hates it. I do everything via my phone. He can check the bill all he likes. No one ever calls me, only him. I never call anyone, only him. I text my family or email but he can see that if he wants to. He's completely disinterested in my friends and family unless I ask him to see them.

Dear Mrs Henry winter
I think you've probably had enough advice and opinions now. It's probably causing you even more of a mind fuck that your original post has created such a surge in responses!
By no means am I belittling it at all, but I just wanted to say that deep down you probably know that this isn't healthy being with someone who you can't fundamentally speak to (as well as a host of other issues) but only you can start to make the change. Good luck and be happy X

Sandy

"He isn't doing anything to get locked up for. I agree it's controlling but it's not criminal."
Bullshit. Emotional abuse is now illegal. Sexual and reproductive coercion are illegal. Physical violence (which he did in the past and may do again) is illegal.

You seem to be uninformed about the realities and legalities of abuse. What is particularly dangerous is your assumption that abusive men can change. The vast majority do not.

MrsH

Sex that you perform under duress and without your explicit consent is rape.

I realise that must be upsetting to hear. Your life is made miserable if you don't do what he demands. That is control, coercion, cruelty and it is not love.

Having sex against your will and under duress is not consensual sex. It is you being raped and afraid to say no.

This may not be easy to hear, but that is the cold, hard reality of his behaviour.

If he's away Mon-Fri (is that right?) Does that give you a bit of respite to clear your head/talk to Women's Aid? So sorry you are going through this.x

Mrs H, if he is not interested in what you do or your friends, family etc, what do you talk about when he is sitting by your bath? Do you just talk about him? Or subjects that interest him? Do you ever chat about what one of your friends said etc. Or does he relate everything to himself and see them as a threat and disagree with whatever your friend or family member has said?

If I continued to refuse sex he would get very grumpy and it leaks into every part of our lives. To be honest it's better that we do have sex as it keeps him happy. I'm not being raped though and I am upset that people keep saying that

I raised the issue of rape because you made it clear that it was out of the question for you to refuse sex. I'm afraid that this doesn't reassure me. If you don't want to have sex but are coerced into consenting because of the way your husband will react if you refuse, that is not valid consent, and therefore it is still rape.

I think he's being selfish, to trick anyone into getting pregnant is extremely selfish even if it is your wife. I know some women try this trick too but what does it achieve? an extremely unhappy mum or dad and that's not good for any child.

If it was me, as drastic as it sounds, I'd threaten him with divorce if you ever find out he's playing the deceit game, then he'll only be seeing the kids he has got every other weekend. It might seem like a drastic approach but tell him how are you expected to live with someone you can't trust, I hope he sees sense for you luv.

And...saying no once is 'fine?'

He permits it? He lets it go? Where's the concern for you? It's all about him.

What would happen if you became ill and sex was off the table for weeks or even months?

IsMyUserNameRubbish RTFT. At least the OP's posts.

I don't think the police would lock him up. I do it all willingly.

That the police wouldn't lock him up doesn't make it less wrong, though. Just shows that the authorities cannot be relied on in such cases.

You say you are safe. Well, you know the situation best. If you think you can safely put some money, things you need, etc away before you leave, do that. Just don't think that your being able to "manage" him for the time being means there is a future with him.

Some posters here have asked why their abusive exes didn't just end the relationships ... probably because they knew another woman who'd put up with their shit would be hard to find. Perhaps other women want five children, but don't want to be controlled all day. The grooming those abusers do is probably work for them, as they have to control themselves for a while. Pretend to be nice. They likely aren't keen on having to repeat it.
You are more valuable and a better partner than he was - that's why he didn't just end it.

Please do not think that I condone this over controlling behaviour, by saying I don't think he could get locked up for it.

It's more from an evidential point of view and the fact that MrsH needs to recognise it as abuse, instead of seeing it as loving, caring and wanted her best interests. I don't think locking up is a resolution for this.

I actually spoke to a friend /colleague social worker about it this morning because I was just amazed at his actions eith every post. I posted here .. but it's disappeared.

She gave advice and is looking into it more for me in terms of the sterilisation. I'll PM you what she told me MrsH.

Conversely, I was starved of sex and would happily have had sex every day. If I was lucky it was once every two weeks. It was just another way he controlled me.

I think the rape allegations refer to his trying to impregnate you against your will.

Rubbish, that is the least helpful advice you can give to someone within the confines of an abusive relationship.

he's very handsome and charming and fond of overblown romantic gestures

You didn't say, but figures. I suspect he withdrew all his attention from her, as he didn't get enough supply.

MrsHW - you don't have to respond to this, but I'm going to leave this here for you. I am not suggesting it as a strategy, despite having experience, I don't know if it would work in your situation, but a friend of mine used it to free themselves from a controlling partner.

It might be one to have up your sleeve for any time you do leave. Much love.

www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/