DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

MrsHW Following this thread closely. I'm so glad you have a plan for getting coil fitted. As you are in a small community with presumably a tiny GP practice, it doesn't surprise me that the doctor you saw may not have been able to do your coil today.
Were you able to disclose any of your circumstances to her? I'm assuming not, as you say you don't like her very much.
I feel having a medical person on your side, and able to document what has happened, is very important. Would you consider disclosing to your nurse the fact that you didn't consent to unprotected sex tomorrow? She is unlikely to be able to do much other than ensure your coil is undetectable without x-ray, but it might be a step toward speaking to the right people.

He's very hard on himself, not just on me.

That's a crock of shit.

He can hold himself to whatever standards he chooses.

That does not in any way justify his violence towards and constant surveillance of you.

He's not really that hard on himself given that he indulges in regular rape of his wife.

How can you possibly buy this awful life you are being constrained to live as being equivalently tough for your gaoler and rapist?

He wants lots of children and a sub-human to order about. He'said having a great time.

MrsHW - I didn't feel like I was living a nightmare or with a monster. I didn't feel any immediate physical danger. I left because I felt I could no longer handle it and couldn't fix him. Which is when things turned very dangerous. Even at the height of his controlling, while I resented it on one level (as you clearly do), I also felt that he was simply trying to look after me. It took me years to come to terms with the fact I had been in an abusive relationship, because I was never fearful of violence, but the moods and subsequent humiliation which was heightened by the way he co-opted our families. (I've spent all morning reading Adorably and much of that resonates. Thank God camera phones didn't exist but he was always forcing me into making videos & polaroids TMI).

You know your DH better than anyone. But no-one can be a good girl 100% of the time. You'll drive yourself to a nervous collapse and that's not going to help your children. All of the emotional stress will also be impacting upon your long-term physical health and immune system.

So glad you got to your GP and I agree you cannot just walk without a plan. I don't mean to hector you, you came for advice on your husband trying to force you to have a baby and I suspect some sympathy. (Which is what we are all here for).

I don't know if you have a DD but imagine her being in a situation where she had to manage and protect herself against a man who rapes her every single night.

As they said in The Usual Suspects, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And the greatest trick abusers pull is convincing the world, themselves included, that they aren't abusers. They never think they are, they always think they are the good guys, and I've no difficulty at all believing that OP's husband is hard on himself as well, or that her situation has become so normalised that she can't see her reflection in some of the awful experiences shared here. But the fact remains that he IS an abuser, the situation is not normal, and she and her kids are not safe.

OP, even if you think others have had worse experiences,that doesn't mean yours isn't horrifying. I second coconutpie's idea of getting Women's Aid to read this thread. And never, ever, ever think you have anything to be ashamed of. It is classic to respond this way, because just as we think of abusers as one dimensional Punch and Judy characters, so do we imagine their victims must be weak,pathetic and somewhat dim. The truth is that abusers thrive on destroying strong and capable women. Nobody who knows anything at all about abuse will judge you for a second. Your rapist bully of a husband, on the other hand.....

In all honesty your posts don't read happy. Re read your posts read them as a friend has written them, be honest and be kind to yourself. You will find a way, build your strength and find real happiness, not the kind of "happy" you explain here. Your only here once and you deserve a happy life.

Compare & contrast. I can't take hormonal contraception either btw. I track my cycles too. Abortion wouldn't be an option for either of us.

DH - it might be nice to have another baby
Me - not on your nelly
DH - but you make such lovely ones
Me - seriously, I'd love the idea of another baby but I really don't think I could face going through pregnancy, birth and pregnancy again. I'd also like to go back to work
DH - I'd forgotten how miserable you find pregnancy, oh well, if you're sure, to be extra careful I think we had better abstain during your fertile periods, just in case
Me - sorry
DH - what for?

See how it works...

Dear God, love, he's done a number on you hasn't he? You are allowed sweetheart to be knackered, not fancy sex, be grumpy, work, not work, wear a onesie all day, give the DC pizza and chips, shout at your DH for no good reason, pop to Tesco at 7pm, go out for a drink with the girls, not tell him where you are going, not answer your phone, have a bath by yourself, have the house a tip, study, not study, have another baby, absolutely not have another baby, all of this is ok.

Show this thread to Women's Aid.

Rarely has a thread truly horrified me, and affected me as much as this one.

BTW, DH popped home this morning on his way to a meeting, I wasn't in, he grabbed some spare change for a Costa and text to say sorry he's missed me, he'd see me later. He doesn't know where I was, and isn't intersted. That's normal. xx

I've thought so much about you today, MrsHW

MrsHW

All the family planning clinics within 20 miles have evening opening hours. Marie Stopes are 25 miles away. I am doing my best.
You are doing fine with this aspect. As awkward as the services available in your area have made this for you, it's still going to plan as it were. Stay calm and relaxed and things should go as smoothly as possible, and if something comes up, you'll have a clear head to deal with it.

He's very hard on himself, not just on me.
It's a shame his being hard on himself doesn't include reflecting on what a dictator he is being

I understand that you're finding it disconcerting the sense of urgency that's coming across, and of course there's a risk of it getting too much for you to take in at this time. When it looks like that might happen, consider taking a break from fully engaging in the thread but please do still keep us posted so we know you are okay, and keep doing what you need to stay safe.

We are safe. I know we are. He's a lot more relaxed since we decided to work on our relationship.
I think you know what the general response to that will be: "for now" :( It's hard to imagine isn't it, that the man you know at this moment in time could ever really harm you, or harm your children. I totally get that.

Not even a year before my perp started with the worst of it, I'd been asked if he ever got violent when he'd gotten stroppy in a shop. The concept was alien to me. Sure, he was moody, aggressive etc. But had never showed signs of being capable of violence towards a woman, let alone his partner. It was allegedly against his code of ethics...

Then just over half a year later, the worst of it happened during two weeks while we were both off work and he's kicking me in the head while I'm just lying their hoping the next blow will finish me off.
The man I was with in those two weeks seemed to literally came out of nowhere. Prior to that we had been arguing over me taking a different job at the same place, but he'd managed to "Jedi mind trick" me out of it. I thought we'd resolved that issue to his satisfaction and he was so loving and happy. I thought everything was going to be okay...

But out of nowhere, he turned really nasty. Violence, threatening to kill me, "sex" that was not at all respectful, and a lot of psychological torment (which was the bit that did me in tbh, not the violence or even threat to kill me).

Then two weeks later he flips again and appeared to want to try and make things work. He wanted to get married, took me looking for rings, and told everyone we knew. He went through a phase I can only describe as manic, where he was very happy and up. He rang from work one time to say "stop taking the pill, I want to have a baby " and my first thought was "I better hide them so he can't do anything to them."

I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop though, waiting for him to go back to how he was during the really bad time. And then one day he came home from work earlier than expected and my brain broke completely. From then until the time I left him it was a constant up and down of being happy and "omg we're going to get married", and being scared and angry and having mental breakdowns on the regular.

It became obvious when reflecting back on it all, that in those last few months together I'd stopped being useful to him and had become a liability and a nuisance. Idk why he didn't just end things. Instead, he boxed me in and drove me insane in what appeared to be an attempt to get me to top myself or get me sectioned.

And I fear for that with you. Not specifically what mine did to me, but what your H could do to you when he no longer feels he needs you. Admittedly, that could be purely projection due to your H sounding an awful lot like my exP (except your H comes across as much nor mentally stable). But you said earlier in the thread that he collects people that are useful to him. And that he isn't interested in you as a person, but it does appear he values what you can give him (e.g. smart and well rounded children, a tidy and managed household, a trophy wife? etc.). So the impression I get is of a person who doesn't actually see the people he's surrounded himself with actually as people, but tools and assets to be discarded or disposed of when they become useless to him or lose their value...

I don't want to upset him and I worry that I've done everything right that day

I think one of the things I learnt after my abusive marriage is that there is a huge difference between being happy because you are happy and being 'happy' because there isn't any turmoil going on. I would have said I was happy, too, but what that meant was that he wasn't angry with me so I could 'relax' a bit.

I don't think the police would lock him up. I do it all willingly.

There is a huge difference between doing something willingly out of a sense of love, sharing, and joy and doing something 'willingly' out of fear of reprisal. I would agree to have sex with my abusive ex out of fear of how he would treat me if I didn't. That in no way would be considered 'willing' under the law, no more than if he had held a gun to my head. I'm not saying you should report him, that's your decision. Just that I think you need to understand what 'consent' really is.

I do agree however, that just now it's probably better not to rock the boat nor act in a way that draws his suspicion. But only if it's coupled with trying to figure out what you want for your life (and your childrens') and how to go about getting it.

He has totally distorted your perception of what constitutes a normal relationship. Even to the point where you defend and justify his behaviour as if he is the victim. He isn't. You are.

Oh MrsH, I could cry for you and this walking on eggshells enslaved lifestyle.

When did you last get a day to yourself, to go off out, do as you please, treat yourself to something nice and eat/drink with your friends, be carefree and come home without fear or trepidation? Never by the sounds of it.

I beg of you to please, please find the strength to call Women's Aid. You don't have to go into chapter and verse, just say you're exploring your current life. Just please talk to someone on the phone.

I'm not ready to talk to anyone. I don't want them knowing this.

Please keep talking here. I haven't been able to get you out of my mind all day.

What is DH going to do if he discovers that you have taken the MAP behind his back? What is he going to do if he discovers you've had a coil fitted?

Every night he has rough sex with you. In the past he has been violent. We had tears and hysteria when you verbally refused to entertain the idea of another baby. What will he do if he finds out you've taken measures which he will claim "have aborted his baby". (Because technically, the MAP and the coil can prevent implantation of a fertilised blastocyst).

This is why so many people are worried about your safety because it's at times like these, when a woman asserts her freedom, that all those simmering tensions and emotions, the things that normally set off the rants (because everything is always everybody else's fault), violently erupt.

Having to secretly contracept in order to protect yourself from unwanted sexual advances, creates an everyday low-level stress (along with everything else) which is bound to have an impact not only on your physical and mental health, but that of your children.

I hope you're ok today. I do understand when you write that you don't feel abused and you don't feel afraid. It sounds in some ways a very old fashioned marriage and it sounds as though you are being treated as a chattel. Rape within marriage only became illegal in England in 1991. Rape does not require you to be pinned down with a knife at your throat. It can come with veiled threats, a sense of entitlement and leave you with a feeling that really you don't have a choice. If you are a willing partner having sex and doing it because you are happy and have something to share, then all is good. If you are feeling coerced in any way, something has gone very, very wrong. If you want no further children, this should be respected. If your husband really really really wants a large family, he should not force it on you. It is a perfectly reasonable grounds for divorce. It is one of those really significant make or break decisions within relationships. I don't know if you are really safe enough to discuss these things in the cold sober light of day, or if there are too many other things going on. Whatever happens next, it is your life, and you only get one shot at it.

A thing that gets me is if should one of my dds come to me and say a boy did x, y & z to me and I didn't like it (The kind of things my husband has done to me), I would be saddened to the core. As such, I am very aware of what we are teaching our children.

He isn't doing anything to get locked up for. I agree it's controlling but it's not criminal.

Unfortunately because this has gone on so long , I can't really see a change in his behaviour unless he feels that you will no longer tolerate it.

I do hear of men like this regretting their behaviour once the wife has left and saying what a fool they have been and wishing they had just one more chance to put things right. They write letters of apology and beg for forgiveness but by then it's too late. The only advice we give is for them to be a good coparent and to seek therapy and MAYBE their ex will see the changes and give a second chance because actions speak louder than words.

MrsH ... you need to think about the things you'd like to do freely... like go to the supermarket or choose your own friends.... take the medication you want without his approval... and.. choose your own phone....plus not being coerced or guilted into sex on a daily basis. You need to decide which things are important to you and set boundaries. He then needs to stick to those boundaries or face the reality of you leaving him.

He needs therapy for his controlling behaviour. It's like he wants to fall inside your body out of fear.. or make you so dependent on him that you can't envisage a life without him.

I can understand many men don't want their wives showing cleavage .... that's not a big deal really. It's all the other stuff.

Having this conversation won't be easy and from your posts... I sense so much walking on eggshells and doing things for peace sake .... as it seems easier than getting into an argument or facing the cold shoulder.

P.S. Do not make calls from your mobile to anywhere you don't want him to know about , as it's best to assume that he checks all the numbers you call. Another reason to have the mobile in his name...so he gets the itemised breakdown.

Also do not mske purchases with a credit card that you don't want him to know about.

OP, think about just calling womens aid, they won't force you to do anything. You do not have to do anything you don't want to. Give them a ring just to reassure you there is practical support out there.

I was with ex for over a decade, the day he got arrested I desperately wished I could turn back time and not react to his aggression in front of the police thereby saving him from the humans humiliation of being arrested (he got himself arrested nothing to do with me).

It was only after he left (with the help from the police) that I realised how awful life had been and how I'd modified my behaviour to do practically nothing in order not to upset him.

I didn't think I was unhappy either, to be honest I was coping, I wasn't living, I was like a zombie I didn't feel anything whilst married to ex I was numb, life was so horrendous it was the only way I could cope it was a self preservation thing.

This thread scares me so much, mostly because you sound like you're utterly defeated.

Call womens aid, just get advice. Please.

SandyY2K this is actually illegal now in the UK.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/everything-you-need-to-know-about-the-new-psychological-abuse-law-a6789271.html

In the unlikely event he ever accepted to go to therapy, there are a massive percentage of men, that go once only, then refuse, or manipulate the therapist, or refuse all useful debate, or say what the therapist wants to hear, then walk out & say its bollox.
The absolute rule is to NEVER go to a joint session with a therapist accompanied by your abuser

He has a history of violence, false imprisonment and rape.

Of course the Police would arrest him. It has not been reported, which is why he is still at large, making this poor lady's life a misery.

Op have you ever spoken to your Hs previous gf 'who tried to kill herself'? That sounds really worrying. Do you know why?

I am reading your comments. I just don't really have anything useful to add anymore.

I haven't spoken to his ex and I wouldn't know where to find her now.

She tried to kill herself when he left her as a cry for help. Or that's what he said. I did know him but we weren't dating. I suspect he was trying to seduce me when he was still with her.

She took an overdose and went to his flat. They weren't together for long, about 6 months if I remember correctly. As I've said, he's very handsome and charming and fond of overblown romantic gestures and he just dropped her over night, without warning. I don't know if any of this is true of course, except she did take an overdose and he did go to hospital with her.

I wonder whose idea it was to live out in the sticks?

I used to think my ex was OCD about controlling me. I also used to think it was a power struggle between us bcs I am very strong -willed. He genuinely thought he was improving me. So far so Pygmalion.

Also so Stepford Wives. Have you seen that film? The premise seems too ridiculous but watch it and it's chillingly familiar. I know it must be unthinkable to give up the very lovely life you have, especially as you have had a miserable history. You may feel you've both made sacrifices and have carved out a very happy life together. You may feel his violent nature is in the past. What he has done to you suggests his violent nature isn't in the past. You may feel sorry for him. I used to feel sorry for my ex.

Anyway, WA will help you re getting emergency contraception in your area.

Does he have access to your phone?

You don't need to say anything, but just try to stay safe, and know that so many of us have been very affected by your thread, which says something about your situation.

Is he home tonight OP?

He can access my phone if he wants to but he never asks. I don't think he would think I would leave in a million years. He thinks we have the perfect relationship.