DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

What makes you say you are safe?

This man has a history of physical violence. You are compliant to his every command, to keep the peace and out of fear.

That, is anything but safe. As many others here have shared, abusers become even more highly dangerous when we try to escape.

Have you called Women's Aid yet?

All the family planning clinics within 20 miles have evening opening hours. Marie Stopes are 25 miles away. I am doing my best.

Even waiting a year would have meant I delayed the MA. He said he was totally happy with that decision but obviously he wasn't so keen on waiting. He always wanted lots of children and knew that I didn't. I'm not sure why he didn't find someone else.

In the immediate instance, of not yet being awakened enough to really understand the horror of your situation, being obliged to have daily unwanted violent sex & with him believing & attempting to get you pregnant is something that isn't viable.
But you did say OP, that you had already discussed at length & rejected the idea of a 3rd child. So I assume it is possible to reopen this discussion. once this MAP has worked ,or the possible pregnancy is curtailed.
He agreed in theory to getting a vasectomy. so I think you could say, as it's YOU who doesn't want any more children & to avoid the hormones, & discomfort of IUD, you are going to look into getting sterilised. he may sulk & coerce. but you can repeat what you said here, you are tired, & cannot mentally or physically abide the idea of any more, you have given him 2. Play into his game. He wants you to educated (God help those poor children, what are they going to be forced to do?) so now you want to use that education. & once the children are at school you will want to "improve yourself".

What strikes me most about your posts MrsHW is that you say that he believes things or thinks things in order to convince you that his way is best or to do as he says. Can you practise, at least in your head, and think when you next say to yourself "he thinks/believes" and replace it with "he says", it might make his behaviour easier for you to see.

I'm sorry to read your posts and see that you do not think that you own anything, you're married and so everything, though in his name, is half yours. Please contact Women's Aid and have someone "in real life" talk to you about your options, your entitlement. You haven't created this situation, you are not to blame, you are not a failure. You started this thread because you wanted to be told that his behaviour is unreasonable. I believe that you continued to post to get further affirmation about his controlling behaviour. If you were to leave him, there is help and support available and the people commenting here now will continue to support you as you continue to post, but you have to make the choice to leave yourself.

Do you want to look back in 10, 15, 20 years time and wish you had left now? If you had a friend in a similar relationship and although knowing just how dysfunctional a relationship she was in, but still chose to stay, what would you say to her?

We are safe. I know we are. He's a lot more relaxed since we decided to work on our relationship.

I will just reiterate that we are in no danger. The urgent nature of some posts is very disconcerting.

I am reading this thread with utter horror. I do t think I can remember a thread on here that I've found so disturbing.
Op, I understand why people are reacting as they are - his behaviour is so far from normal that it's distressing enough just to read.

Please keep yourself safe. Women's aid will help you. I'm no expert but I think the safest thing would be for you to get all your ducks in a row whilst maintaining normality then present him with a fait accompli. Does he work away all week? That's a big advantage for you if he does.

I wish you all the luck in the world.
Please be careful with your internet security. Whatsapp for example - you can set it so the messages also show on a computer or tablet. I'd buy a cheap phone to use for any sensitive calls - assume he is monitoring your phone and Internet usage and maybe even tracking you

I think your children might be more aware than you might think (speaking from experience), but you are right, they are safe right now, and so are you. At least while you clear your head.

There should be no parameters that you have to comply with MrsHW, there really shouldn't.

I think you come over as kind, intelligent and articulate, what's not to find attractive?

He might have sensed an innate or inherent vulnerability in you, the knight in shining armour to rescue you, who knows? His own upbringing might have conditioned him to seek out that, who knows.

I would call Women's Aid, and see what their advice is.

He always wanted lots of children and knew that I didn't. I'm not sure why he didn't find someone else.

Because what you want doesn't matter.

Our GP told dh that it would be less risky for me to get sterilised. Thankfully, dh held firm that he didn't want to father any more children.

So GP's with that view do exist, thoithis one is, thankfully, retired, now.

Within the confines of the current situation, I meant that you are 'safe'. Not long term, not ever within this marriage. I worded that very badly, apologies.

Well done for getting to the GP MrsH (and seeing a different doc) and, although an extra day's delay and having to go a second time isn't ideal, it's probably a good thing that the practise nurse fits your coil, they should be fairly experienced in the procedure and will, hopefully, understand the need for you to have the threads removed. Do you think you'll be able to be candid with her about why? Please try, you can stress the need for absolute confidentiality (including from your usual GP if you have concerns about his association with your H) but I think it might be useful to you for someone in RL to know what he did to prompt you needing the coil, both in terms of having someone on your side should you need them later down the line and because seeing a 'real' person's reaction to what he did might further confirm in your own mind just how wrong it was and that will help build your confidence to eventually break free. I can only echo what so many wiser women than me have said on this thread about your situation, you and your DC deserve so much better than the tightly controlled life he is 'allowing' you to lead and you must feel terrified by what is slowly being revealed as you come to terms with the reality of your marriage. It will be a slow process but that's necessary to allow you to build your strength and adjust to the changes in how you see and feel about things, you're on your way though and you will get there

But would you say that the safety of you and your children is contingent on you doing what he wants?

Also, what sort of things happened over the weekend that would usually set him off, but didn't this time (because he was in a good mood)?

I also think your posts are carefully worded and intelligent, but they reveal something more each time about your situation. I suspect there's so much more. x

OP, you say he wouldn't be violent (again) but by having unprotected sex without your consent, he's committed just such an act. First of all it's rape, and second - you know what pregnancy and childbirth do to a woman's body. Forcing that on someone against her will is every bit as violent as a fist to the jaw. Arguably more so as the effects last longer and the risks are greater.

I know that with a controlling abuser it is not as simple as "just leave" but you must look into how you can do this. I know what it's like to be abused without realising it....abusers are complicated, multi faceted people. If they were pantomime villains they'd never get away with it. But your abuser can't work a smartphone. There is a way out and you must find it for you and your kids. Don't let him dictate your identity and self any more,you exist independently of him.

'We are safe. I know we are. He's a lot more relaxed since we decided to work on our relationship.'

What did that 'working on the relationship' consist of?

Him having total control over ever single element of you and your children's lives. Him raping you. Him having no regard whatsoever for your feelings, needs or wishes. Him ruling you by fear?

Need I go on?

That is not working on a relationship. That is a dictatorship.

Your children will be much more affected than you realise. I saw this dynamic between my mother and father and went on to repeat the pattern of highly dangerous, abusive relationships, leaving a legacy of untold damage. I am a well educated, strong, worldly woman and it still happened to me, because of a skewed view of relationships learned from growing up within a deeply dysfunctional, co-dependent, abusive upbringing.

Is this what you want for your children? It doesn't have to be this way.

You are not safe there. You are living in a prison of fear and loss of your identity and autonomy and personhood and under the total control of a violent, manipulative, calculating, controlling narcissist. The entire relationship is predicated on YOU meeting HIS needs, at the cost of your own. Your co-dependence is a big factor in your compliance.

He's a lot more relaxed since we decided to work on our relationship.
Because he's sure you won't leave and you've further yielded?

Just wanted to say well done for seeing the GP and for getting the coil appointment sorted, OP.

One step at a time .

You mentioned your best friend in an earlier post. Is she someone you could confide in about this? Could she give you some cover if the worse happened and you needed to arrange a termination?

I'm not ready to talk to anyone. I don't want them knowing this.

He's more relaxed because he's stopped worrying about every tiny detail of our lives. I think he got so tired trying to control everything that he let go of some of the things that caused the most arguments. He's very hard on himself, not just on me.

MrsHW This thread really is a horror to read, I cannot imagine the pain and suffering you are going through having to live like this on a daily basis. Well done for getting to the GP today, even though you didn't get the desired result but it will hopefully get done tomorrow.

Is it possible to avoid sex with him until you get the coil fitted? Headache? Upset tummy? It makes me sick to think that you are forced to have sex with this monster every day, against your will and that he is rough. He's controlling and abusive. The police would lock him up. Can you please call Women's Aid while your eldest is at school?

I wish we could just all arrive at your doorstep and rescue you. You deserve so much better than this.

And you have nothing to be ashamed of - if that's what is stopping you from talking to someone. Is it possible to even call Women's Aid and tell them that you don't feel you can say the words but you could direct them to this thread here on MN and they can read it? Then they can call you back and advise you.

That is a very good idea coconutpie. I might just do that.

I don't feel like he's a monster and I'm not scared. I don't want to upset him and I worry that I've done everything right that day but it doesn't feel like a nightmare. I'm just being honest.

There are posters here who have experienced terrible things and have managed to escape these situations. I thank them all for sharing their stories but I'm not ready to be one of them.

I don't think the police would lock him up. I do it all willingly. As a PP said, I am a good girl

Is there another way you can avoid sex? Say you're going for a smear and need to abstain for a week??

That is very very sad.
You comply, like it is your free will: but it is because you have been groomed into thinking it is OK, it is not OK to be hounded, tracked, dictated dress code, not allowed to go out, physically have the keys removed, be obliged to answer the phone on every call, to have your daily chores listed & agreed by him, to have no freedom even to have a bath in peace, to be forced into voilent daily sex whether you want it or not incase of retribution.

Of course the children will see Mummy at home being normal, & Mummy at home when the dictator arrives home

Do you see that even this He was hysterical and would not leave me alone until I agreed to think about it in the future. I know it was the easy way out.
is all about manipulation. ?

you will have to give W/A a specific time to call, if not other ears may hear.

Small steps, MrsHW. You've come so far already, you're talking about what happens here and that's a good first step. You are trying to get some control back.

They probably would lock him up - he's abusing you. You don't do it willingly in reality - you do it because you are afraid of what would happen if you didn't. Even there when you referred to yourself as "a good girl" That's just so sad. You weren't put on this planet to feel your only purpose is to do things this man tells you to do. You should feel free to do what you want, go where you want, speak to who you want, dress how you want to dress, have sex only when you want to, be respected by your husband and not feel like you have to "be a good girl".

I know it's an awful lot to take in and you've been so used to being treated like this that it probably all just seems normal to you. The reality is that life will be so much better for you and your DC once you eventually get away from him.

And yes, fake illness to avoid sex - diarrhoea would be a good excuse. He'll hardly follow you into the toilet would he?