DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

And I would also like to reiterate that it is really really easy to say "leave" but there are layers and layers of emotional and practical issues that need to be dealt with before you can.

I am going to stop posting. All I will say is that speaking as a person who is not steeped in awareness of scripted abusive relationships, I find some of the advice given here frightening and very absolute. I also question whether it is appropriate to tell someone who makes a statement about their reality - that they or their kids are happy for example - that this is a delusion.

It's possibly all a lot more nuanced than this.

OP - I apologise if I've muddled your thinking. I do wish you nothing but the best. You have a right to a full happy respectful relationship without being controlled and I hope you achieve that.

So sorry to read of your situation op.

You are not trapped- you have choices- you sound very strong. Listen to the advice here -

OP, well done for going to the GP. I'm sorry that she isn't great and refused to fit the coil today, that's frustrating. Presumably the practice nurse isn't available to do it today? Anyway it's good that she can do it tomorrow.

I'm sorry if you find some of the responses here alarming - I understand that it will take some time for you to get your head around what we're saying, and that is of course ok.

Sorry your GP was a bit useless MrsHW. Presumably you didn't feel able to emphasise the urgency too much?

Sorry you're finding the urgent posts intimidating. I think for people on here - especially those who've been through it - it's a bit like seeing someone whose house is on fire, and they're sitting in it quite calmly explaining that they don't feel hot. They feel the urgency, or rather the importance, and they're trying to explain to you and convey that to you, because it's almost like you're numbed against this. Maybe because it's the best way you've found to live in this situation.

Anyway, try to take care of yourself while you let all this soak in. I'm glad you're sticking around on the thread. You sound lovely. You deserve a life where your body and soul are your own, we all do.

cakeycakeface you MORE than frighten me. I can't believe someone could read this thread and come up with that kind of crap. Do you honestly think after everything you've read that she and her kids have ANY KIND OF HAPPY ENDING with this man? I am honest to god

The GP didn't seem to think another day would matter. I did ask her if she would do it but she said she didn't fit them. The nurse isn't in on a Monday.

My children see a respectful and happy relationship between their parents. DH no longer speaks down to me in front of them. I pointed out how damaging it was to them and he is careful about how he acts around them. I'm not saying this won't change or that they're not at risk in the long term but for now it's ok.

MrsHW
I'm sure you must be feeling like you are being 'bludgeoned' with advice; rarely however is there a consensus opinion on MN. Perhaps that only goes to show how deeply concerned PPs are about you, and your situation.
Without teaching you to suck eggs, I am aware that you more than anyone here knows the intimate details of your contraceptive issues.
But you did mention your GP - a man - is best beloved of your DH? Is this advice via him? What I am clumsily trying to ask is whether he - your GP - is acting in your best interests?
If it is so, I apologise. You can only reiterate so many times that you cannot take oral contraception. I would be very if I was in your position.
Strength to you.

I'm glad you're going to stop posting, cakey. It would be lovely if all women could be as free of experience of abusive relationships as you are. As it is, though, your posts are far too naive in their premise to be of any help.

As for the supposedly heinous crime of taking care of contraception in order to have one last little bit of control over one's body... we're talking about a relationship here where the husband will deceptively not use contraception. One of those things is everyone's right. One is no one's. No man should get to dictate that a woman carries his baby against her wishes. Ever. Just so we're clear, here.

to tell someone who makes a statement about their reality - that they or their kids are happy for example - that this is a delusion.
Yes, it is a delusion, because the OP is only happy as long as she complies.
Put yourself in the shoes of someone who is not allowed. Really, NOT ALLOWED, to go to the supermarket during the weekend.

The word ALLOWED cannot possibly be part of a loving and happy relationship. Ever.

And allowed because the OP knows she has to face serious consequences if she defies him.

DH no longer speaks down to me in front of them.

No longer?

And do they ever see you having your own opinions, deciding for yourself?

I didnt see my GP but another one at the practise. When DH went to see him about the vasectomy he suggested that I get sterilised and that it would be a shame if he had to 'get done' .
Wish I'd pushed for it now of course.

I will just reiterate that we are in no danger. The urgent nature of some posts is very disconcerting.

I'm sure they are disconcerting.

But...
What if you fit the coil and he finds out?
What if you confront him and tell him you are NOT having another child?
What if you decide to do your own thing and not answer his calls?
What if you are pregnant?

Are you safe?

when DH went to see him about the vasectomy he suggested that I get sterilised and that it would be a shame if he had to 'get done'

Were you there? That's not a comment any GP would make. Make sterilisation is simpler than female sterilisation.

If the doctor is a good friend of the husband as the OP put, he may have said that, though it certainly wouldn't be professional

I agree with PurpleDaisies, medically it's always better in a couple to perform a vasectomy as it's far less invasive. Either your husband is lying or you have a very dodgy GP.

You may not know this but you can see a GP at a completely different practice for contraception - they will see you as a temporary patient. Might help if you're worried about confidentiality.

Yes they see me make decisions and have opinions. I run the house and look after them everyday. Yes there are parameters which I work with but they couldn't know that.

DH wants them to flourish and he trusts me make most decisions regarding the children.

The hysterical reaction to "no more children" is very odd too - most husbands would express their disappointment & leave it at that - these are supposed to be mutual decisions.

Because you are being a compliant good girl. That is so sad. :(

Our GP is a bit dodgy really. We live in a very wealthy area and he's a bit of a social climber. He generally just does what you ask.

Also he did refer DH for the vasectomy. That's what set this all off.

MrsH

Can you try some more family planning centres today? It is imperative that this is sorted.

Why would your GP not fit a coil? Is there no one else in the practice that can? Please emphasise the urgency - every day counts.

Failing this, can you get a separate opinion on hormonal contraception? See another GP about this or the family planning clinic. Many people who can't use progesterone can still have other options, such as the injection or mini pill.

Children realise so, so much more than what people usually think. They are sponges, really - even if they are not aware consciously now, I can assure you that the nature of your relationship with your husband is having an impact on them. And will determine the nature of their future relationships as grownups

This was from your OP
He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.
We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

Why do I get the feeling that it was all to push you into that very last chance to have a child? And urgently? Because you want to start your MA.