DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

By physical I meant violence.

My guess is that he used to be physically violent and the OP has learned to do exactly what he wants in order to avoid more physical violence. Sadly I think there is a very real threat of physical violence if she stops complying or if she tries to leave.

I don't have any experience, but I've been reading this thread in horror. I really hope you can get away from this terrifying man. Please do what you need to stay safe while you work out how to escape.

I strongly disagree with cakey. As if by saying 'accept me and my terms, or else' will make him relinquish control. The relationship is no equal; that cannot be done without consequences here. He'll tighten the screws on her even more, inflict God knows what punishments and generally make MrsHW's life hell. We've read what a dick he is when she doesn't even answer his calls.

What I'm saying is that the status quo should be maintained whilst you figure out how you're going to safely get out, MrsHW, otherwise he'll smell a rat.

Agree, Queen.

But that may be because I do not understand abusive behaviour properly.

I'd leave it at that.

So far, OP, you have access to money.
If he smells a rat, he can easily cut it out.

This is the time to leave, while you can get cash out to start a new life.

I really urge you to arrange to leave within a month. Tops. It gives you time to arrange a new school and settle the children, if that's a worry.

As they are young, they will resettle elsewhere easily. The longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be.

I know you need to sort out contraception of some sort but could you please call Women's Aid - they can rescue you and your DC from this monster today, or very close to today I am sure. I just cannot bear the thought of you spending one more moment with him and his brainwashing. It is utterly terrifying. If I was nearby I would come and get you myself now.

I didn't say that though.

What I am saying is if OP secretly takes contraception, or secretly gets sterilised, all while he believes she is willing to consider another child, then she may as well leave right now. That's a deception I think most would find unforgivable if a man did this to a woman. When he finds out, it will destroy whatever is good in the relationship.

And the OP HAS listed positives. She has stated her kids are happy and secure, she has said she is (until this, I think) happy, she has said he makes her feel cared for. I honestly don't know how you can all be so certain when you don't live their life that these aren't truths?

If she wants this relationship to continue (unless I've missed a post, she hasn't talked about wanting to end it with him - everyone else has), then a lie of that scale is not going to help her long term.

If she's unhappy, for whatever reason, and she wants to leave, she really must.

I also said she shouldn't disregard the risk everyone has stated here. I would have a bag packed ready to go and a plan in place.

If the OP feels she needs to do these things secretly and can't tell him because he's too dangerous, then she should just leave.

If the OP feels she needs to do these things secretly and can't tell him because he's too dangerous, then she should just leave.

Ffs cake if he's dangerous she needs to have everything set up first before she leaves so he doesn't hurt her when she goes. The op getting pregnant in the meantime isn't going to make anything easier.

then she may as well leave right now

The concern on this thread is how the lovely MrsHW can leave safely.

Fair point.

But are you suggesting then that she should get secret contraception so she can be sexually assaulted for 'x' number of days/weeks without fear of pregnancy until things are set up and ready to go?

The thought of that makes me feel quite sick.

Cakey, those posting here are able to read between the lines of what MrsHW is writing. Many have experienced similar; others can empathise. It is clear he is a controlling, manipulative abuser and she needs to leave for her and her children's safety - and soon.

I'm sorry, but your posts are missing crucial points and are just not helping.

cakey You're not showing an understanding of abusive relationships and your posts are unhelpful. Why don't you read some of the links I and others have shared before you post again? Educate yourself before telling a woman in a very dangerous position what she should or shouldn't do.

Also, I just wanted to correct what Fidelia said: you can call Women's Aid on your mobile because the number won't show up on your phone bill.

This thread is horrifying. I'm sorry I don't have anything constructive to say apart from that you've had some excellent advice on here and I really hope you can get out of this existence, as that's all it is. And it isn't good for your children, they may be happy now but long term they won't be. My god you deserve so so much more.

I told him that we could reassess the situation in a year because I just needed him to stop hounding me. He was hysterical and would not leave me alone until I agreed to think about it in the future. I know it was the easy way out.

I've been to the doctor and she wouldn't fit the coil. I have to wait to see the practice nurse tomorrow. She didn't seem very worried about leaving it that long. She's not the greatest GP and usually I try to avoid her.

I know doing these things in secret is awful but it's all I can do right now. I'll address the bigger issues once I can think straight.

I will just reiterate that we are in no danger. The urgent nature of some posts is very disconcerting.

MrsHW has no access to money, or the support to leave immediately. It's not just as simple as upping and leaving. She needs to sort out contraception immediately because she is at immediate risk from her abuser otherwise.

MrsHW, apologies for taking about you in the 3rd person. I hope you understand why.

God this is awful! I know this doesn't sound very supportive but it's not intended to be rude. I really feel you should think about the example it's setting for your Children. Children learn from their parents, they will think this sort of relationship is acceptable. Would you want this for them? As I said I'm not being mean it's just the way I think having 2 DDs

That's a deception I think most would find unforgivable if a man did this to a woman. When he finds out, it will destroy whatever is good in the relationship.

Are you fucking for real????

I think, OP, that you're having to take in a lot of information over a very short space to time and dealing with this complete sea change is a hard thing to do. Go at your own pace, if you need to. As long as you're safe and you know you have options x