My children are happy and secure.
For now.
I promise you, it will not remain that way when they get older and start to develop their personalities more and their own wants and desires. They won't understand their dad's restrictions when compared to how their friends' (if they're permitted to have friends) and classmates' parents treat their children. And if they make the "mistake" of letting other kids know how their dad differs from everyone else, best case scenario they find out that their dad is not right at all, and people are understanding and kind towards them.
If you have a DD, the classic "you're not going out dressed like that young lady!" will be dialled up to 11 or more.
And if you start showing signs of not being compliant any more, he will start turning your children against you. Belittling you infront of them and undermining you.
You are in an abusive relationship, on some level you know this as your posts show. What you may not realise though, is your children are being abused by him too, even now. He may be involved and appear caring towards them at the moment, but the way he is treating you is not in the slightest a good example for him to be setting for your children. It is not a healthy environment for them to grow up in.
If you consider child neglect and parental involvement as a scale it would look like a horseshoe - with their experience on the one extreme end and, from the sounds of things, your childhood experience on the other.
And heaven help you all when he does turn violent, because that will happen as he starts to lose his grip on you all as time goes by. Even if he doesn't get violent with the children, they will notice if he is ever violent with you or reacts violently on inanimate objects. There's only so many excuses you can use to explain away punch holes in the doors and walls, and only so many times you can say "I walked into a door" before they stop thinking "my mum is just a bit clumsy".
One of the most heartbreaking things for me was how my perp's eldest would also be treading on eggshells when they came to stay with us and his dad was in a mood. The one time he sadly said it was just like how home was before his dad left. He knew exactly what was going on I'm sure.
That's no way for a child to live, in fear of their parent's moods and behaviour.
It will be awful for them, seeing their other parent that they love being treated like you are by someone they're suppose to admire, who is supposed to protect them all and be a good role model.
And when the children do something completely normal but it winds up their dad because he is very much not normal, and he takes his frustration out on you? They will feel guilty, because it's natural to feel that way, but they shouldn't feel guilty. And they'll learn to avoid doing totally normal things so their mum doesn't get hurt or punished by their dad.
You are so smart and intelligent MrsHW, that is so clear from your posts, so you definitely have it in you to handle this situation. You're already doing marvelously!
Don't be frightened by the things we're all saying here, there is still time for you to extricate you and your children from the gilded cage and do so safely. But once you've got the pressing issue of contraception sorted, you do need to start thinking of the possibilities and worse-case scenarios when it comes to staying with him. Take your time and do things carefully & methodically, definitely, but have an emergency plan in place for the worst-case if it comes up.