Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

1002 replies

MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 08:02

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 16/05/2016 06:45

Good morning.

You're right about long term contraception being key here. I'm not entirely sure what to do about that but I'll talk with the doctor. I still think he'll feel it as he's not exactly gentle with me. For those who are just joining the thread I cannot take hormonal contraception so that limits my choices. I just can't, my doctor will not prescribe it, I have asked in the past.

To answer another question, DH has had no other long term relationshipstarts before me. I suspect he was seeing his last girlfriend when he met me but he denies this. She tried to kill herself when they split up. I'd actually forgotten that until now. He was so contemptuous about her and having to sit with her in hospital. That alone should have told me everything.

I think I'll try and find a family planning clinic rather than go to my regular GP.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 16/05/2016 06:46

Not exactly gentle with you? Jesus H, honey. :(

What exactly do you think he'd do if he did feel it?

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 16/05/2016 06:50

I don't know. Be very angry I guess.

I've just searched for family planning clinics near by and they all have evening opening hours so that rules that out Sad

Bloody stupid to have them all with 5pm - 7pm hours. What about people with children?!

OP posts:
tiredvommachine · 16/05/2016 06:50

Flowers for you MrsH

MusicIsMedicine · 16/05/2016 06:53

FizzyFlowers

So very glad you got out and sorry you've been let down so badly by your parents. I identify.

MrsH

Just wanted to offer some hugs and hand holding for today. Hoping you can get a coil fitted and this removes the immediate threat of unwanted pregnancy.

We are here for you.

RiceCrispieTreats · 16/05/2016 06:56

Your best long term plan is not contraception, it's leaving this bully.

fizzyrubbish · 16/05/2016 06:57

Why an FPC rather than your GP? Flowers

MusicIsMedicine · 16/05/2016 06:58

Ask to see a different GP and explain your situation. Even if it's a coil or a one off injection today, that would buy you some time. The coil can be fitted with threads removed so it can't be felt.

Could anyone here help with a lift or to just give you some support? Where roughly are you based?

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 16/05/2016 07:03

I read that skilled nurses at clinics can better fit a coil and remove the strings.

Also my GP loves DH so I would rather not see him. I'll try and see a different GP but you generally don't get a choice.

We live in a small community and I'd rather not have everyone knowing I'm at the doctor.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 16/05/2016 07:05

Obviously Rice but her best short term plan is not having another baby to tie her to this man.

I think the Essure thing might be your best bet?

CheerfulYank · 16/05/2016 07:06

music I don't think she can have injections.

Is there anywhere you could go for a long weekend and take the children? To visit an old friend or some family?

CheerfulYank · 16/05/2016 07:08

You said you'd discussed tubal ligation before. What would he say if you just scheduled it and told him you were going?

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 16/05/2016 07:09

I want to get sterilised in the long term. I can't have another child.

I never had that urge to have children. DH has always thought that people who don't want children are defective in some way. People are right when they say he doesn't respect my choice regarding this. He just thinks I'm wrong, no discussion. He honestly thinks he's doing me a favour.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 16/05/2016 07:13

Because he doesn't really see you as a person. You are a character in his story, not the heroine of your own.

What would happen if you had the tubal? Are you worried he would hurt you or the children?

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 16/05/2016 07:14

I could go away to visit my best friend. The problem with that is that I'd have to get the operation done locally to her and it would have to be at a time of my choice. That's not going to be possible is it?

If I told him I was getting sterilised he just wouldn't let me go.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 16/05/2016 07:15

OP, I've read your thread with utter horror. Could you get a second opinion on the contraception hormones. I was just thinking, I'm not allowed the combined pill, but am allowed the injection. Could that be the case with you?

FWIW I'm suspicious of a GP that is close to your husband. It all sounds a bit Stepford Wives.

Lweji · 16/05/2016 07:15

It really worries me that you are considering ways to cope in a continued relationship. (and advice in that regard doesn't help)
How do you reconcile your anger with sex? How do you see yourself continuing to live under his watch?
How do you see yourself becoming free of him?

Lweji · 16/05/2016 07:16

You don't really have to hide any major surgery from him.

You can just leave, FGS.

WaitrosePigeon · 16/05/2016 07:18

This thread is absolutely terrifying. You need to get out of this!

momtothree · 16/05/2016 07:18

If your doctors male - you can request a female doctor (they have to respect that) I have done so for my DD it's not an issue

You could be sterilised at a private clinic - but you'll have to check costs

MusicIsMedicine · 16/05/2016 07:19

You can specifically request to see a different GP at the practice.

The key priority today then is a coil, until your longer term options ie sterilisation, getting out safely, etc., can be planned.

Please do try some other family planning clinics as well until you find one with daytime hours, as a fallback to the GP.

CheerfulYank · 16/05/2016 07:19

She needs to be careful, Lweji. Many, many abusers are not violent until they realize the person they are abusing is not under their control any longer. Plus it can be very hard to get over years of grooming and conditioning. It isn't as simple as just leaving all the time.

I agree that should be the end goal but it most likely won't happen today and until it does she needs to protect herself.

OP I don't know how it works because I'm in the States but yes, here I could.arrange to get the operation somewhere else. Could you call Women's Aid? They might help you set it up near your friend. And maybe while you're there you can tell your friend what's happening. Get someone on your side. Get someone to pull you back to reality and tell you you aren't mad when he makes you believe you are.

Kenduskeag · 16/05/2016 07:26

Cheerful Yank, Essure is under investigation for failures and internal injuries - I think its popularity and willingness to prescribe has been affected. I doubt it'll remain on the market long. And sterilisations can be hard to acquire even in the best of circumstances. She'd need something invisible - injection, implant - which she can't have. In short, there is no non-hormonal method he won't notice.

fizzy, your story has chilled me. I am so sorry you endured that, and so sorry your parents colluded.

tribpot · 16/05/2016 07:27

Is there any chance your friend could lend you the money to be sterilised privately, to give you control over the appointment? Marie Stopes quotes £1500 so it would be a big ask. It involves a general anaesthetic so that will always make it expensive.

Short term I think the coil with the strings removed is your best bet, I wonder if you could arrange to get that done at a clinic near your friend instead?

Lweji · 16/05/2016 07:27

Many, many abusers are not violent until they realize the person they are abusing is not under their control any longer.

I am acutely aware of this, which is why OP, you should leave asap.

You are considering undergoing major surgery, which you may eventually regret, actually, just to stay with him.
You could eventually find someone else you may want to have children with. Have you considered that it's with him that you don't want more children (or any)?

Staying with him, while realising how he's keeping you a prisoner, is only likely to further damage your mental health. You'll need some serious mental gymnastics to reconcile acting normal and having sex with the realisation that you are in his keep.

What is, in fact, keeping you there?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.