DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

I think sometimes that the "fucked up" people are the most kind and thoughtful, because they know what it's like to hate themselves or something about themselves, and they know not to judge.

Hear hear, Merd

MrsHW You are not weak. When I was in an abusive relationship, it took years to recognise what it was. I didn't leave because I felt I was being abused.

I left because I just couldn't cope with it any more. It didn't cross my mind that he was abusive, it was more that I knew that I was desperately unhappy, even though I believed that I loved him.

My mother kept urging me to have a baby as she thought that would keep us together. Thank God I didn't. But even being relatively young, knowing that I had the whole world in front of me and not wanting to live like this any more, didn't make it any easier to walk out.

The night I left him, I packed up some things in my car and went back to my parents. They phoned him up and told him where I was. He asked me to come back and talk. I'd never experienced any actual physical violence previously and almost felt a bit sorry for him.

I now have a weakness from where he punctured my lung and scars from cigarette burns. I am really sorry if that is TMI or triggers anyone - and I haven't talked about this for years (seeks separate support thread now) but abuse doesn't follow a set play book or necessarily look like Trevor & Mo in Eastenders.

I was with a man who insisted that I wore plain white M&S cotton pants and a totally plain sports bra when I went to an evening class. I had to ensure that when he came home I was dressed nicely and had freshened up my lipstick (just like his mum used to do).

I was isolated from my friends, made to leave my job, not allowed to eat what I wanted, made to go on a diet with him being responsible for my weigh-ins and not allowed to wear any low cut tops or jeans which were 'scruffy and not attractive'. Neither was I allowed to wear flat shoes. I had all my clothes bought for me and was expected to be grateful.

I had to feign interest and enjoyment in all of his bizarre hobbies and his mantra was "you are so immature, one day you are going to be a special person and I am helping you reach your potential".

Of course it was abuse but I couldn't see it at the time. I just did what I could to keep him happy because I thought I loved him and I thought it would be easier than the fall-out. But ultimately I couldn't live like that, my memories of that time are constant splitting headaches from all the rows and crying.

It really isn't you. But reality is never as simple as black and white goodies and pantomime villains. Even the most heinous evil types like Josef Mengele were doting loving family men.

I really do worry for you and this kids! This is not a healthy set hope! I do hope you are not pregnant!

Whilst I agree with lweji about beginning to plan for the future, it's a good idea to get some discreet contraception in the meantime.

Yes, but, hopefully, short time. For now.

I'd be very weary of long term plans, as your anger will surface, and his hold will tighten in response. Anything you hide can be found.

I'd get out at the first opportunity.

Fizzy I'm so sorry that you've been through that, I went cold reading your post and you speak a lot of sense to the OP.

Oh, Fizzy

Fizzy. Christ. Thank you for sharing and for your honesty. That period of your life sounds horrendous. Reading about it actually made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Just chilling.

And it was when he realized that he no longer had a hold on me, that he became dangerously violent.

Which is why I am so concerned for you but neither do I want to be melodramatic. I just want to try to make you see that it is not your fault and neither are you stupid.

Abusers hone in on those with a low self esteem. And I am also guessing that when you met, his attention and affection was almost overwhelming. I bet he was really 'full on' right? Flowers, gifts, nights out, spoiling you, the lot? Then suddenly withdrawing and getting upset, narky when you did something wrong?

And this so isn't about me - life is pretty darn good now.

But when I guessed that MrHenryWinter wouldn't like her showing a bit of cleavage, my blood ran cold. I even want to check his name, because everything about that relationship sounds identical, right down to the 'loving' phone calls, the following around and even the list of chores.

Fizzy and OP my heart goes out to you both. So much.

fizzy, so lovely to hear your life is good now

It is quite chilling how often it is at the point of escape that abusers become or escalate the violence, that is why some careful planning while continuing to play along can keep your safe, MrsH.
But other than that, I agree with Lweji: get out sooner rather than later, with your kids and vital paperwork like birth certificates etc. Women's Aid can help with the practicalities and (sadly) MN is full of women who have lived through similar.

MrsH,

I'm glad you're 'okay' and have had a good weekend.

Has your H been in a long term relationship before you? If so how did it end?

I was wondering if he's been cheated on before .... because it's like he won't let you out of his sight for fear of something.

I mean fundamentally he's controlling , but I wondered when this developed. Previous relationships may have ended because of this.

Do you realise that you really can't make any decisions yourself?

..... Like your friends
...... The clothes you wear
...... What medication you take
.......What phone you have (the phone should suit the user) and he wants a phone he can use.

My friend married a controlling man. She had to ask him if it was okay to give their son certain foods...he made her breastfeed till he was a year old.

Then when he felt her family would talk sense into her, they relocated from England to the USA.

Prior to that he didn't want her spending Christmas with her family ....so he always took her on holiday out of the country over Christmas.

Now she's so far away and that's exactly what he wanted.

On the face of it he seems kind and generous by doing this right? Nice holidays ... nice car.... but he checked the mileage to keep tabs on her.

Your H is scared that you will become financially independent by studying and then working and leave him because of his control. Or that you will come into regular contact away from him with men.

Your whole life is spent pleasing him and ensuring nothing sets him off. This is no way to live your life.

Someone earlier mentioned her weight being charted ... one lady I knew would have to get on the bathroom scales placed in front of the fridge to check her weight before taking anything from it ... and her husband put a lock on the fridge when he was out.

She had to eat salads if she put on more than 5 pounds until her weight dropped. That men like this exist is terrible.

This was an intelligent educated barrister as well.

I'm also praying you aren't pregnant.

Hi Mrshw, I hope you're ok this evening. My heart really goes out to you. I left a rubbish marriage some years ago. He was also a high flier who worked away mon-fri. I went it alone with 2 small dcs - it was fine, much easier than I expected as I was so used to him not being there anyway.

Do you have a friend you can confide in? What I'd do now if I were you is start copying documents and get them off the premises. Keep your passports safe and take copies. Bank account statements. Keep the mobile he can't use and get a sim for it, then hide it, get a new mobile he approves of.

Do all this now, before he starts to get wind that something's up and starts covering tracks. You need to make sure you're provided for if and when you do need to get out.

I'm so sorry, this must all be a horrible shock to hear.

Your whole life is spent pleasing him and ensuring nothing sets him off. This is no way to live your life.

Thank you for putting it so well. That's exactly why I left. It's not sustainable long-term.

FWIW, Mrs HW it's probably not that you hate being a SAHM, you just hate it under his terms. Hence desperately craving the freedom and stimulation of an MA.

I think, OP that you are being really brave posting here. It is one thing to realise that things are seriously wrong and quite another to act on those realisations. Please contact WA and let them know what is going on. If you leave a message they will call you back. They will validate your feelings and provide you with a support worker. A support worker will listen to you and guide you, should you choose. They will not tell you what to do and will not interfere with you as you feel safe. Should the time come that you feel ready to leave or take action, you will have a support team at your side and you wil not feel alone. I am not ready to leave my husband, who can be a shit. A real shit, and without MN I would not have been in touch with WA. For myself, it is really important to find the support to start untying the bonds.

I have just read your thread MHW and am really sorry for your gilded cage. It's all pretty awful, but I found your comment about him not actually being interested in you or your interests really sad. I'm sure you can make allowances for everything else in your life at the moment, but that must hurt surely. You must want to be with someone who cares about you as a person, not just you as an object. Being with someone who is 'kind' to you can't be enough for you for ever.

Fizzy that is absolutely horrific. And your bloody parents colluded with the cunt.

I have seen ppl post similar on here before but it still makes me

Are you NC with your parents now

It's difficult with my parents who still have a tendency to gaslight and re-write history they don't like.

My DH (who is very wise) just commented that the problem for MrsHW is that while taking contraceptive precautions appears necessary, it doesn't actually do anything to solve the ongoing threat of marital rape.

I thought that might be the case Fizzy Sounds like they dont want to accept the part they played in it.

Your DH has a good point unfortunately

Long story but basically my mother had some kind of breakdown. Which is why I ended up where I did.

What was so awful was actually having my mum blame me for his behaviour, saying that I could be a difficult b*tch. And not having their support to leave. The worst being that she now denies that I was ever in an abusive relationship.

Point being that I know how hard it can be to leave and why I am desperately concerned for the OP, that she has professional support in terms of planning a safe exit. It's more good luck than judgement that I am alive to tell the tale.

It genuinely never occurred to me that he would try to kill me.

Just wanted to say that if you are pg a medical abortion which is 2 pills 2 days apart might be something you might want to consider. It induces a mc and is indistinguishable from an actual mc. I understand that it would potentially be very upsetting particularly if you've experienced mc in the past but it is there as a last resort.

Take your time mrsHW , you don't have to decide anything until you are ready.

PS Round here there are family planning clinics that a young child would not recognise as different to a playgroup - held in community hall and with toys etc. Might be worth checking?

OP, perhaps take a pregnancy test now, while it's likely too early to show up as positive even if you are, and present it to him later? Or get a friend to do it for you.

Not sure how sjowing him.a negative pg test would help. He'll just try harder to get her pg. But if it required you a) do not have to wee on it just wet it b) could save wee from one of the dc.
Don't do a test now. They don't keep.

I know you don't feel like you are being abused OP. I didn't either and it still amazes me to this day. And when people (on MN ) slagged him off (rightly) I almost wanted to.defend him because it is a reflex and also to admit you love an abusive man seems like admitting a failure. (It's not your failure. It is his failure to be good at being the husband you deserve)

The 'looking after you' may not seem.abusive but you said yourself he is controlling.

what you really need to focus on is, if your rs was fair and equal why is he trying to get you pg? It's not like he is offering to stay home with any resulting child. And if you wanted to choose what you did with your life would he not only let you but would he support you?

If not, then he isn't a good husband. He isn't being fair and he is not treating you well.

If abuse is too strong a word for now you can frame it that way. Is this the way a loving, supportive partner, who hears me, who sees me as equal, would behave? If he isn't a loving partner, if he doesn't respect me, if he doesn't care what I want, is that good enough?

That was what swung it for me the very sudden, very shocking realisation that he wasn't just a bit hard to live with, he didn't actually see me as a real person with feeling and opinions that were every bit as real.and as valid as his opinions and his feelings.

So you don't have to leave right now although it does no harm to be ready. But you do need to consider where you stand in this relationship and you need to start convincing yourself that you have rights and should have options and choices that you can make without his permission and that you have abilities and potential.that you are not aware of.

You have been through a lot and you are resilient. So even if you don't want to change your life right now just be aware that you are capable and if you wanted to change your life you could. You'd be fine. Just fine. The kids would be fine too.

You don't need him.

Good Lord.

One step at a time, love. You dont have to solve it all today. If you try you will get overwhelmed...no one can face so much at once.

Sort contraception first. The shot or an implant he can't feel. First things first. Another baby would be a nail in the coffin and he knows it.