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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

1002 replies

MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 08:02

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/05/2016 21:08

Sorry, but you wouldn't be able to tell if the condoms were tampered with.

Please see the GP about a coil x

RortyCrankle · 15/05/2016 21:09

Your posts, MrsHW, have chilled me to the core.

I just wanted to say I think removing yourself from this situation is going to take every bit of strength and fortitude you possess and more besides. I hope you can take strength from other posters who have extricated themselves from similar relationships, that as impossible as it may seem, you and your children can be free to live your lives out of this horrendous control your husband holds over you all.

Lastly I don't know if you live in my area but if I can do anything to assist you, please PM me.

I wish you freedom and happiness.

fizzyrubbish · 15/05/2016 21:11

And yes I agree with hindsight, best to say nothing.

What I am worried about though is how you will manage to fit in your medical appointments (which you must have as a priority regardless of the long term) within the daily chore schedule and 50 million daily phone calls without him finding out.

PricklyLegs · 15/05/2016 21:11

Flowers hope you're ok, I have no advice as the wonderful ladies have all been fab. I just feel for you and wish we could help you xx

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 15/05/2016 21:17

I'll think of something as long as I can get a bloody appointment! As I mentioned earlier if I'm doing something with the children then that's ok. I can do a trip to the library when in town or something similar.

My focus is on not having another baby, the rest just has to wait until I have time to think.

A few posters have mentioned being co-dependent and I think there's definitely an element of that going on. It feels shit to be so fucking weak. I've looked after myself for so long and it's so lonely and hard that I was really happy to find someone who just wanted to care for me Sad. Ugh.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 15/05/2016 21:19

Best of luck for the doctor tomorrow.

Can I just ask what your preferred outcome would be in your situation? Will you be content with your lot once you have foolproof contraception?

You have described him as both "dangerous" and "nice and kind", so its a bit confusing how you feel about your future with him.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/05/2016 21:20

Tell the receptionist it's a contraceptive emergency and you must be seen asap.

AHellOfABird · 15/05/2016 21:20

One careful step at a time, MrsHW. You can do this Flowers and MN is here.

pasanda · 15/05/2016 21:21

I am utterly horrified at the level of controlling abuse you are having to put up with OP. I really, really hope that you find a way out Sad

chansondumatin · 15/05/2016 21:26

You're not weak. You're unbelievably strong to have put up with this for so long. Lots of people would have had a breakdown being forced to live under that level of surveillance.

NameChange30 · 15/05/2016 21:28

If the receptionist won't give you an appointment, I suggest you just go to the surgery anyway and insist. If it comes to it you could tell them you have a contraceptive emergency, a controlling husband and can't come back another time.

I think you are very wise to take this one step at a time and just focus on the contraception for now. I'm sure there are lots of things whirring in the back of your mind (based on our comments and the links we've shared) but just let them stay there for now. You're in control of what you do and when. That might sound silly based on the amount of control he has - but actually you can chose to act "normal" (ie as he expects) to keep yourself safe while also thinking about what you want and planning what to do next. He doesn't have to control you for ever if you don't want him to.

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 15/05/2016 21:29

The thing is is that it doesn't feel like abuse. I don't feel like I'm being abused. It's only when I think about certain things that I realise it's not right. Like feeling anxious in case I make a mistake or worrying if someone asks me to do something because I'll have to ask if I can go.

It's all very weird and confusing right now.

I didn't think about all the other stuff before he started talking about wanting more children and then doing what he did.

I love him, he's my husband and we've been together for years. How the fuck am I supposed to feel?! Pissed off. I'm pretty pissed off. And worried about my children and what they see. I'm not stupid though. If it's going to damage them then I don't have much choice.

OP posts:
VioletSunshine · 15/05/2016 21:29

We have sex everyday

Oh hun, that has got to be painful :( aside from trying to get you pregnant now, what excuse does he give as to why he has to have sex everyday even if you do not want it?
given your previous comments, I'm guessing you learnt early on that "no" or "I'm really not up to it tonight, sorry" were not acceptable responses to his advances? Maybe he sulked, or backed off for a bit then tried again until you complied, or pulled the whole "it shatters my self confidence when you don't want to have sex" thing?

As for him not being good with tech, is anyone he has collected good with it? If you are safe to lock down what you can, please do so. I swym and kwym when you say he's dangerous but you are safe at the moment. But you obviously are aware that you're taking risks now and going off from his script, which could result in things not being safe for you. You know what is safest to do, but please don't leave anything to chance and treat this situation as if he did know how to work your phone or computer. Mine was the same, claimed he couldn't work a smart phone and was useless with computers. That didn't stop him reading my e-mails or other messages.

fizzy - i felt the same reading MrsHW's posts and those of others here too. Though in some senses, as upsetting as everyone's experiences are it's been comforting to know what happened isn't unusual and well, that it actually happened? I hope that doesn't sound awful :(

PacificDogwod · 15/05/2016 21:33

Just to back DameDiazepam up on this: your situation absolutely warrants an emergency/on the day appointment either at your GP's or with a Family Planning Clinic who also offer walk-in clinics in some places.

You are not weak.
Do NOT do your H's work for him and put yourself down.
You are a survivor and you will carry on getting on with life as best you can just like you have done for so long. You are holding it all together and that takes strength and resilience and fortitude Thanks

Daily sex being 'fine' is all very well, but compare it to joyful happy sexual fun that you actually look forward to and enjoy and want.

PacificDogwod · 15/05/2016 21:35

Of course it's weird and confusing.
You have unpicked a thread and now you'll have to see where that unravelling will take you. Strength and light to you.

AHellOfABird · 15/05/2016 21:36

Do you give him a list of daily tasks? Does he have to ask your permission to do anything out of the ordinary? If he needed to go to the doctor, would he be worried about you finding out? Would you insist he turned his phone up loud and ask questions if he didn't hear it?

Ok, you don't feel like you are being abused, but do you feel like you are respected as an equal person in this marriage?

IonaNE · 15/05/2016 21:46

MrsHenryWinter, do you think Henry, the twins, Francis and Richard felt they were being abused by Julien? While they were playthings in his pleasant little social-philosophical-educational experiment? Or do you think Richard felt he was being abused? Yes, now and then he did have doubts - but mostly he was just way too happy to be "in", wasn't he? And so he always managed to persuade him that it was all right and these were really and truly his friends.

Your husband is abusing you. Please get out.

IonaNE · 15/05/2016 21:46

*persuade himself

VioletSunshine · 15/05/2016 21:48

How the fuck am I supposed to feel?! Pissed off. I'm pretty pissed off

This is good, hold on to this feeling. Don't show it though, obviously. But use it to get you through these next bits. He had no right to do this to you, and while it's nice to have someone love you and care for you, you are also a grow-ass woman who is more than capable of taking care of herself and getting things done. You don't need a keeper or a minder or a parent or similar. You deserve an honest, genuinely loving partner who respects you and your boundaries, someone who actually deserves you, your love, and everything you are.

And as chansondumatin said, you are not weak. Not by any stretch of the imagination. You've shown great strength posting here in the first place, as well as sticking with it and doing what you have these last few days despite the restrictions he's placed on you.

Lweji · 15/05/2016 21:49

You don't need a plan to stay. You don't need injections or to worry what he'll think of any pregnancy.

You need to get out.

PacificDogwod · 15/05/2016 21:51

Gawd, yes, harness that anger and let it give you more strength!

TeenyfTroon · 15/05/2016 21:52

MrsHW, sometimes it takes a long, long time to realise that life is precious and shouldn't be spent second-guessing a tyrant. Please think hard and plan carefully - it's so useful to have lots of MNetter to bounce ideas off when you get to the escaping stage. Which I hope you will eventually.

To springydaffs, I was so sad to read that you think you are 'fucked to buggery' - I've seen your comments on lots of threads and you are always so kind and giving. So not completely fucked, in my eyes!

ManonLescaut · 15/05/2016 21:56

I've just caught up with this thread. OP, I'm so sorry for the situation that you're in, my heart goes out to you.

Sex every day is only 'fine' if you specifically want sex every day. If you do not, then it is horribly, horribly, abusively not fine at all.

springydaffs · 15/05/2016 21:59

Thank you Teeny

AHellOfABird · 15/05/2016 22:02

Have also seen you around, springy, and think you are fab.

Whilst I agree with lweji about beginning to plan for the future, it's a good idea to get some discreet contraception in the meantime.

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