DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

I agree he is in a good mood because he is hoping he has got you pregnant.

He is hoping he has scuppered your plans for any part of an independent life that is not 100% consumed by him or your DC.

He doesn't care or acknowledge that you did not want any more DC and that he may have done this to you against your will.

Your wants and needs are unimportant. You are not a person to him, merely an asset.

I hope you can realise this.

Very sad.

I'm really glad to read that.

Bear in mind the MAP can screw around with your cycle so your period may not appear when expected. This is common.

Or maybe don't tell him at all on reflection, might be best to claim a surprise period. A glitch in this month's cycle.

Fizzy and Doreen

Fizzy im so glad you got away from him.

There are some over on other boards though who would probably say his criticism of your weight was just his honest opinion.

Its never about that though Its about abuse and control and denting confidence.

Trouble is, I can see him going out to get the tests in 2 weeks time. OP will have to physically show him the result.

At least you took it within 48 hours so you do have a good chance of it working.

I've spent all afternoon reading this thread and am frankly incandescent. Sorry that's probably not helpful. But if you can please think about contacting Woman's Aid tomorrow so they can help you if AF doesn't materialise because I think you will need to get out quick sharp. So sorry this is happening. But one day you'll look back on it with incredulous relief.

You need to get out. You need to get your kids out. They'll be watching what he's doing and thinking it normal.
Contact Women's Aid for help in how to do that. And please please please make sure you delete your internet history.

Unfortunately, I have conceived each child first time round and that includes 2 miscarriages.

The thought of arranging an abortion fills me with horror but I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. I cannot cope with another child. I'm too tired and too emotionally drained.

Also, he won't check my phone. Firstly, he isn't very tech savvy and can't work my phone. He hates this and I'll get a new one once the contract is up. Secondly, he's almost completely uninterested in anything I do, such as books I read or websites I look at. He's not that interested in the 'real' me. We don't have much in common.

Get the same phone again.

That's not my choice. It's not under my name. It's his contract.

You don't have to think about arranging an abortion, sorry to upset you

The decision on whether or not to have another baby should, IMO, be independent of the decision as to whether or not to stay with him.

I'm just looking ahead to 2 weeks time. The best thing is to fake an AF regardless. I presume you can do that without being discovered.

I'm too tired and too emotionally drained.

Actually, I suspect you could cope with another child alone. It's him that's draining you.

Wouldn't even presume that, fizzy .

My thoughts exactly Lweji. If the worst has happened, it might actually in a weird way, turn out to be a blessing in disguise IYSWIM.

The important thing is that Mrs Winter knows she has all options open to her and a bucket load of support on here.

Plus, the law is on your side here, both criminally and civilly. He has a legal obligation to you and DC. Which is where Woman's Aid will help. There is a whole bunch of options which you may not even be aware of.

This just gets more and more awful.

Wish I could come and give you a massive hug MrsH.

Please do consider getting a coil fitted tomorrow. You can get it removed later if needs be. What is most crucial right now is preventing pregnancy. That means thinking about next month too and what you are going to do when he pulls the same stunt again. I know your head must be spinning, but keeping calm and making plans is essential to secure you and your children's future.

My blood is boiling that you're sitting there feeling this way, having been violated and abused, while he swans about all happy, without a shred of concern or care for you.

Anyone who loved you would not behave like this.

He does not get to dictate what phone you have.

We are all here for you.

Speechless.

I'm so sorry. We will do whatever we can do to help you here love.

It's going to take bravery on your part, but as I said before, you're not as trapped as you think you are.

I know it looks like it, but really it's just an illusion. Just him telling you that you have no choice/options.

He's eroded you to the point you can't see yourself anymore, but we can see you, we hear you. We believe you.

It should be of no concern to him whether he can work your phone or not. Why does he need to know how your phone works or be annoyed that he can't work it? It's yours, not his.

What would he be doing if he could work it or he made you change to a phone he can work?

... Can you totally believe that he's inept? I don't mean to be full-on paranoid but that would be one way to get you to leave your guard down!

I do hope you find the strength to leave him one day.
Reading your posts has actually made me feel sick for you
Please make plans,see WA.

He's only nice because you comply. I suspect he'd turn violent if you weren't.

I've been increasingly horrified as I have read the thread. This man is bloody dangerous.

It reminds me a bit of a similar situation last year. Can't remember the poster's name but her marriage was equally controlling and bad - and her H was determined that she should have another baby. Coincidentally just as the other two were school aged and she could start to get her life back a bit. IIRC he was also videoing her giving him oral sex and showing it to his mates. Really disturbing stuff. I think she left him in the end - with lots of support and advice from MNers. I don't know what happened to her but she got away in the end.

I really hope that you get away.

Put on some jeans and a slightly low cut top. When he complains just say, nonchalantly, "oh, I like it. It's comfortable."

No, don't do that, it'll alert him that you are becoming bumptious and need to be reminded of what your position is, in that nice little box he's kept you in for so many delightful years.

Do make preperations in case you need them: photocopies of all financial documents, inc pay slips and bank statements. Ensure you know where passports are and birth cetficiates etc.

Get yourself on the Freedom Programme asap.

Living it day to day it isn't scary or claustrophobic. He's nice and kind to me.

I can understand that OP.
But even if he doesn't hit you, or hurt you, or treat you the way you were treated as a child, it is still abuse, just a different kind of abuse.

You said he was working on being less controlling. What, if anything, has he stopped doing?

It must be very hard to imagine your life without him as he controls so much of it. But you don't need him. You would manage fine. And you needto focus on the thongs you want to do that he is stopping you from doing- getting to do your degree, getting the kids to school and getting some independence.

It seems so hard but honestly life as a single parent may not be what you imagined, it may be harder than life as part of a supportive two parent family (not an option on your menu just now) but it will be easier than the life you currently lead. But most of all it will be your life.
I'll be honest,sometimes I find life as a single parent quite hard but it is as nothing to a life where I did almost all the childcare anyway and I had to tread on eggshells. It was only after he was gone that I realised how much I had dreaded the sound of his footsteps on the path. And what a relief it was when I remembered this time it wasn't him and the footsteps carried on past my house.

You're doing great. Maybe have a little research about termination services in your area. Some you don't even have to go through your GP. You can self refer over the phone, they just ask you the date of period and positive test. So if AF doesn't arrive and you test positive, you can phone that day, get an appointment and let them know its a domestic violence situation, they will be well practised. Within a week you could already have your prescription for the tablets. They would be a good source of advice as well

I never fully understood how controlling and manipulative my ex was until I left him, now it's all blindingly obvious but at the time, although I knew he was a horrible twat, I was blind to it. I blamed ME when in actual fact I was the perfect partner.

The 'awakening', as I like to call it, can be a long and painful process and there are lots of stages, grief, disbelief, anger, sadness etc - be kind to yourself, allow yourself these emotions (if your partner is anything like my ex you won't be allowed those - because you're just moaning, whining, over-reacting etc)