DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

As for the managing the moods. Again so familiar. He would decided that he was giving up smoking so I'd have to cosset and spoil him, go out and buy him treats etc and not even ask if I could watch what I wanted on the TV as anything could trigger an outburst.

I was never afraid of violence, (apart from the time I left him) but I was terrified of the emotional abuse and subsequent tantrums, rages and sulks. It's so wearing.

Looking back on it now, I can't actually believe I tolerated it but at the time I had nothing to compare it with. Outwardly I was an intelligent strong educated attractive woman. Please don't feel humiliated. These men are skilled manipulators.

My ex said to me "you'd argue black is white". I wish I'd known about the concept of projection. I thought I was going mad.

fizzyrubbish
" and instructions about what underwear I was allowed to wear if I was going to an evening class. I also had to make sure that I put extra effort into looking nice for when he came home, put on a skirt and some make-up. Any time I didn't do or perform as expected, I was 'selfish'."

Gonna have to save this thread for counselling, as it's bringing back memories of all the seemingly little things mine did too. I thought the whole underwear thing was "reasonable" at the time, and he always complained about me being in my pyjamas a lot (maybe I wouldn't so much if he'd done some of the laundry eh?)

It sounds like you're much better off now fizzy, that's inspirational :)

Speaking of counselling, MrsHW: do you have a charity like New Pathways near you? Idk what their equivalent is where you are or elsewhere in the country if UK, but a non-profit or charity that provides counselling services for people who have been raped, sexually assaulted or abused, or abused in general, might be worth a look if you can in the future. Like Women's Aid, they should be more than aware of the risks people may be taking when seeking their help and support, so should have their number show up as witheld, and will find other ways to contact if it's not safe to contact on mobile or housephone incase someone else answers. The waiting list will be long though :(

I suspect the only escape will have to be with the help of Women's Aid and to a refuge.

I agree. And you'll have to act pretty fast in leaving.

Personally, I'd get money transferred out of the joint account, or cash it, and get into a b&b or hotel (pay cash) if you aren't able to make a proper plan with WA.
Or go straight to family if you can.

When I left exH, I didn't have time to plan the exit. It was a spur of the moment (after a serious threat) and I went straight to my relatives (and then the police). I literally took my handbag and DS, because he was a SAHD.

Sometimes it's what needs to be done and you don't always need to have a complete plan all set up.

Doreen WTF

Yeah. He worked at our place. We all thought he was weird but the boss wouldn't sack the fucker. Until he threw a stool at me. Well, my stool - bought with my money that I brought to work to sit on. And when I asked him for it back it came at me whistling through the air. It was after that that one of my colleagues found out about his 'love life'.

Oh and at the risk of being accused of being outlandish - he taught his son that he was 'The Chosen One'. Ie the son was basically Baby Jesus. With all the accoutrements. The kid genuinely believed he was the Son of God.

Seriously fucked up.

Thank you for your comments, I am reading them all.

to those of you who have shared your stories of abuse with me. I admire your strength and bravery.

I only own clothes that DH likes. This has happened over many years I suppose. If I wore something he don't like he would comment on how he hated it. It gets very tiring after a while and it's easier to get clothes that he approves of. I like them too and I'm not made to wear anything that makes me feel uncomfortable.

I read the article about Stockholm Syndrome and it was very interesting. It's given me lots to think about. I guess the problem with cognitive dissonance is that you can't believe your thinking is so flawed whilst in the moment. A nice catch 22 situation.

I'm just spending all my time praying I'm not pregnant, which is a horrible way to direct my thoughts

Violet - "why would you wear black underwear unless you wanted someone to see it?"

"I wish you'd let me choose your clothes". "I come home from a hard day at work and there you are looking like the swamp monster!"

Sorry to trigger you. I never normally look at or comment on relationships threads but reading Mrs Winter, has transported me back to 1993. I feel sick and shaky.

I'm quite a traditional type, on most threads I'd not say LTB, so the fact that I'm inwardly screaming it, is significant.

But MrsWinter only you know what feels right to you at the moment. Baby steps, please DM me if you need to talk and please please keep talking & start as many new threads as you need to. xx

Wow, some serious grammar fails in that last post!

I blame my phone.

That's it MrsWinter. You do things because it's easier rather than the wearing drip feed of constant criticism.

My ex never bought me stuff I hated so it was never an issue, but can I ask one thing. Does he not like it if you wear something which perhaps shows a bit too much cleavage or leg in public?

I don't think that praying you're not pregnant is horrible. It's ok not to want another child especially not with this man.

If you can see the GP on Monday maybe they could advise about whether fitting a copper coil then and there would prevent pregnancy. I think PPs said it's effective if fitted within 5 days of unprotected sex, so if that's true you would be fine.

He would make me change if he thought I had my cleavage on show too much. I wouldn't anyway as that's not my style (I hate my legs) but he wouldn't tolerate it.

I can't offer any more advice, MrsHW, to what you are already receiving. I have been reading since the OP went on, and I'm actively checking for your updates to see if you're okay. I agree with others in that you need to prepare to leave (plot to do so safely), for the sake of yourself and your dcs.

The fact that he ejaculated inside you without your consent, when you have made it clear that you do not want any more children, is one of the grossest abuses of trust I can imagine, and I would say a form of rape. I am so sorry that you are going through this, and that it seems that dreadful occurrence is just the tip of the iceberg.

The control that your DH has is utterly overbearing. The situation you're describing reminds me of that Julia Roberts film, Sleeping with the Enemy.

I wish you had supportive family around to to protect you from this bastard. But you don't. So, you have to find the strength to protect yourself and your children and get out. Good luck. Keep posting (again, safely) and I hope you leave him.

"Make you" how, honey?

It's horrible to be terrified that you might be pregnant because someone sexually imposed themselves on you. It's terrible to be instrumebtalised as an object Your rage should be directed outwards.

PS - collecting friends for usefulness, screams pyschopathy.

My ex once refused to take me out on a planned night out because I had too much cleavage on show and it was 'embarrassing'. He didn't want me 'looking like a scrubber' and all the men gawping at what was his. I desperately apologized.

Oh luvvie, I am in bits for you here. xxx

That is worryingly controlling MrsH, along with giving you no privacy at home. He sounds extremely dangerous.

I'm sorry if I've missed it but have you taken the MAP yet?

The amount of contact he requires every day is deeply creepy. And he agrees a list of tasks for you to get through every day as well, doesn't he? Like he's micro-managing an underperforming servant.

With your neglected childhood I can understand how you have mistaken this attention for love but in reality he controls every aspect of your life. It's dreadful.

I did take it, yesterday afternoon.

He may be dangerous but I'm not in danger iyswim. We've had a good weekend and he's actually been far nicer than usual. We've done a couple of things that would normally set him off ranting but he's been in a good mood. Honestly I don't think I'm in any danger day to day.

He's in a good mood because he's hoping you're pregnant - what a shit

Remember, only 20% (I think?) chance each time at most anyway of a BFP, so please don't get too scared just yet on that front - the MAP is the best you can do for now.

Also (and please forgive me if this seems insensitive or if you have beliefs on the subject) there are other ways to end pregnancies early on if it comes to it MrsH - you still have time to fix things in that respect at least in the coming months, although I can imagine that feels impossible with the amount of control he has over you - a GP should hopefully be able to help. That letter is a good idea.

I agree, he's probably happy because he thinks you're pregnant. It'll be quite telling how his mood goes when your periods starts.

Has he seen this? Are you properly clearing your devices once you've used them? It'll mean nothing if he's got a keylogger but hopefully he doesn't.

gamer - yes she did! Fingers crossed.

MrsWinter - I hate to say this to you but you need to have a plan for what you are going to do if you do wind up pregnant. If you are, you will need to get out quick because I'll be blunt. He will not allow you to have an abortion. In the unlikely event you are able to procure one without his knowledge, he will still find out.

In a few weeks time you do realize he'll be asking about your AF and then sniffing about for another attempt. So you really need to get yourself sorted out.

And if it does come to it and you decide to have a termination tell him afterwards that you had a miscarriage. Do not tell that want or have had an abortion.

And yes, just as the day you started this thread, he is happy because he is pleased with himself for making you pregnant when he knows you don't want a baby. He is feeling victorious.

MrsH, you believe you are safe day to day, because you are operating to his controls and appeasing him.

How safe were you on the day he raped you? How safe would you be if he found out about the MAP? Or this thread? Or if you did something that displeased him?

Don't you see that what you believe is safe day to day, is entirely dependent on his total control of you and your complete compliance?

You are not safe. Neither are your children. You don't really know what he is capable of. Would you have believed a week ago that he'd rape you?