DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

What does age, culture and religion have to do with it, really? There are abusive men of all ages, cultures and religions.

Sweet Jesus There's so much wrong with this relationship that I'm not sure where to start. How on earth can you live like this OP? I assume it all happens gradually over a period of time - I'd never allow my DH to treat me like this. You're not an equal partner, you're more like his child or his prisoner

This thread makes me very uneasy.

Good lord. He follows you around the house? Every time you post there is something else.

This is beyond sinister.

The constant contact isn't care, it's control. OP you can't even see this. Then he gets 'sad' or has moods if you miss even one bit of contact. That is absolutely ludicrous. You are not allowed to live your own life in any way. What would happen if you went out for a day out and were uncontactable? No signal? Busy?

He won't even let you bath alone!

I think you are so damaged by your childhood that you have become co-dependent to this level of involvement from a partner. He has taken away your personhood and choices so much, that if you were given freedom you wouldn't know what to do with it.

He is damaging you and he will damage your children.

I had someone like this a long time ago and I couldn't even do my job without him insisting I take his calls and going in moods. He expected me to drop what I was doing and go go the toilet and prove my whereabouts with phone software etc.

His attitude - if I had nothing to hide why was it an issue. It was absolutely exhausting. I thought it was love due to my abusive upbringing. When I started refusing the constant contact because my job got too busy, a full bore psychopath became unleashed, he showed his true colours as a total nasty bstard. I'm older and wiser now - he was a deeply fcked up, insecure, controlling, possessive nutter. He would have vampired my whole life away.

You watch carefully what happens when you try to reduce all this contact or have anything in your life for you, uncontrolled by him. That's when the monster that you are appeasing explodes out.

He would have killed me if I'd not got out. Don't think it can't happen to you. These men are terrifyingly sick.

I agree with the pp who said the neglect and emotional abuse the op suffered in childhood have made her vulnerable to this type of domestic abuse in adulthood.

Op it's likely he sought you out because he knew you were vulnerable because of your childhood experiences.

I bet when you miss a call, you have to explain and justify why. You have to manage his moods. He is full of manipulation and control.

He is a co-dependent control freak. Your whole day, life and schedule revolves around meeting his demands. Why does he need to be in contact with you from the train to work? What would happen if you were simply unavailable then? If you dared to take a bath in that time or be busy in the household? Or, God forbid, out of the home doing something? You are living like an obedient slave, frightened of displeasing her master.

Here's the thing about co-dependence. You are not responsible for his moods. You are not responsible for his happiness. He is. Your sole purpose of existence is not to meet all his needs at the expense of your own. Your co-dependence means you place his happiness above your own, something he has tapped right into because of your isolated background and estrangement from family.

You are so used to being his slave that you don't know how to draw your own boundaries, recognise or assert your own needs, or have any sort of personal autonomy as an individual in your own right. Your entire identity and existence is all about meeting his control and manipulation.

My word this is so upsetting to read. He's disguising control as love and affection.

The constant daily contact
Sitting with you while you bath

It's very scary ... but what's worse is that you accept this as normal. It sounds stifling and unhealthy. You better be sure he has a GPS tracker on your phone.

Guys like this also install hidden cameras around the house.

Everyone has their own marriage dynamics and we can't always say what's right or wrong ... but he tried to impregnate you against your will and that is WRONG.

• That is control
• And that interprets to he doesn't care or respect your decision NOT to have a child.

That's what it boils down to. So he can be the most loving caring man in the universe , but he showed you that his desire for another child...comes first.... regardless of what YOU think or feel.

In spite of knowing you want the kids in school to get on with your life .. he DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT.

Just digest all that and start thinking how you're going to fix this.

He is not loving and caring. He is controlling and scary.
He is totally controlling you and no doubt what your children can and can't do too.
He needs help. So do you - to get out.

I don't think it's helpful to speculate whether he's having an affair tbh. That's the last thing OP needs on her mind when processing the current situation. Like, it's one thing to start realising one isn't being treated like they're an equal or are genuinely loved, but throwing in the idea that he's then probably treating someone else much better just sticks the knife in. My mum used to do that to me, thinking she was being helpful (bless her), but it just made me more upset about what had happened :(

Besides, from what's been described he doesn't seem like the sort to be playing away as it were. Image is probably very important to him, and it wouldn't do for others to think him an utter sleaze.

MrsHW - you said he collects people that are useful to him, what happens when they stop being useful? Has there ever come a point where someone has stopped being useful and actually become an annoyance to him?

OP I've not read everyone's replies ive skimmed through but made sure I've read every one of your replies & I'm not gonna lie I have shuddered at every one of them this is an awful situation for you & you're children to be in I'm so sorry this beast is putting you through this... Please please put a plan in action to get yourself & your children away from him you will have such a better way of life & the freedom you so very much deserve & have a right to I know it's easier said than done especially when there's little ones involved I was in a 10yr relationship with DV & only found a way out after falling pregnant with our last child I'm now a single mum to 3 beautiful children & me & them are so much happier ... for you OP you have alot of support on here we are all here for you, please feel free to private message me if you wish I wish you all the best & please stay safe xx

MrsHW, please google 'Stockholm Syndrome'. You don't actually have to have been kidnapped to have it. Simply being isolated to the extent you have been can be enough.

Whether or not you leave or continue to live like this is entirely up to you. We do not and cannot live your life for you. But, as an educated and intelligent woman, I think you'll agree that any life decision should be made from a place of knowledge, not ignorance, fear, or blindness to reality. And also, that any life decision should be made based on the premise that every person deserves autonomy and happiness. And that one's partner should wholeheartedly support a decision that makes the person they propose to love a strong and independent person.

Of course it is not for any of us to tell the OP how to lead her life or whether or not to leave her H.
We can only go by what she writes, and as many of us here know extricating oneself out of the 'safety' of a controlling relationship is very hard on many levels, even if that was what she wanted to do.

MrsH, do have a look at that link to Stockholm Syndrome

And read Mamaka's post again - I hope you have a happier life now, Mamaka

He follows me round the house, sits with me as I have a bath etc
OP, I am sorry, this is just sick.
(And you would have realised it long-long ago, if you had been allowed to have friends, "independent" friends of your own. Which is why you weren't.) I can't imagine staying beyond a week with a man who would want to know where I am at any point, or thought he could have a say in who my friends are.

There's no way he is going to 'let you' persue further study/job with the level of contact/checking on you he does during the day - what's going to happen if you're in a meeting etc? I'm assuming he's worried about relinqushing control so he's dangling the carrot to keep you in line til he can get you pregnant again buying him 5 more years of having you to heel.

Please call some/all of the helplines given by PPs above, and stay on MN, even if you don't post, being in touch with a level of normality (well as normal as you can get for a bunch of 'illiterate harridans' ) will be helpful

He sits while you have a bath? Really?
This is as unhealthy as a relationship could get.
I can't imagine it.

ltb

You are just realizing him for what he is. The more you think and stop justifying his crazy behavior - the more obvious it will seem to you.

Do you not love your children to do what's best for them? Another child is not necessary and I get the feeling your so called husband will be using this future child to hold you down for another 5-6 years. It's the same behaviour controlling obsessive and abusive men have been showing for thousands of years. He wants another child to keep you hostage for a little while longer. He's alienated you from every normal aspect of a normal family life and he will keep at it because no matter what you do, it will never be enough to satisfy his insecurities.

I'm slightly amazed that his employer lets him spend so much time checking you all day. I would find the whole thing intensely claustrophobic, it would drive me insane to be followed around all day and have someone checking up on me all the time and dictating what I do. But the main issue is that he forces you into have sex with him, and he tries to deceive you into pregnancy when he knows you don't want another baby.

Please, OP, your life would be so much better if you could do what you want and not what this man thinks you should be doing. Please break free.

I can't believe he actually doesn't even allow you to have a bath in peace. None of this is normal behaviour. It's all about control - everything. The texts, phone calls, not being able to go anywhere, etc it's all control.

There are so many similarities here to my own experiences with my (thankfully) ex-H. One of the tipping points in our marriage was my decision to go ahead with sterilisation against his wishes. At the time I was 38 and the children were 8 and 6. I had gained a degree, qualified as a teacher and was working full time in a job I loved and preparing for promotion to senior leadership. His argument was that we shouldn't do anything final in case 'something happened' to one of the children - he seemed to think we could just replace them like a broken vacuum cleaner or ironing board!!

The day I was sterilised, he practically ignored me. He let me get the bus home from the hospital and sort out everything for the children that evening as I always did, even though I was bloated and sore. Fortunately, two days later I was absolutely fine. We limped through another two years or so before I called a halt to the farce that our marriage had become, and in that time he became increasingly controlling, resentful and secretive. Like you, I consented to sex many times when I did not want it at all. Like you, I am an intelligent woman and not one whom others would perceive as weak willed or a victim unless they knew the whole story.

I hope you find the peace you need and deserve, and the strength to do what is best for yourself and your children.

MrsH absolutely does love her children and nobody here should question that. I very rarely post on here but I have been rewding this with nothing but concern for you MrsH, and I'm quite horrified by some of the posts. I went through a controlling relationship and it took me a very long time to come to terms with that, I actually sought support from women's aid after it had ended and they were there for me to help me cope with contact. They are there for you if you decide you need support and can give you the advice to make sure you are safe. Also want to say you are really strong and resourceful to have been able to get the MAP at a time that was safe for you with so much checking of your whereabouts from your husband. Well done.

I was in a relationship with someone who behaved like this. Fortunately it was in the days before the Internet and mobile phones, but had they been around he would have undoubtedly tracked me. I was 18, it was my first adult relationship and he was 33.

So much of what you said rings bells. I genuinely believed that he was acting out of loving concern. He made me give up a job I loved, stopped me from going to university and, when I got a great job in the city attempted to scupper it by phoning me all the time on my work number.

I remember rows about my ignorance and lack of respect because I didn't ask his permission to put the electric fire on when I was freezing cold, and instructions about what underwear I was allowed to wear if I was going to an evening class. I also had to make sure that I put extra effort into looking nice for when he came home, put on a skirt and some make-up. Any time I didn't do or perform as expected, I was 'selfish'. Does your DH buy clothes for you too because he knows what suits you?

He also followed me around the house including when I had a bath. I knew it wasn't 'right' but have a dysfunctional, EA mother who sided with him as did his mother. I was made to feel ignorant/unreasonable/ungrateful and undeserving if I attempted to free myself from his control.

He used to control what I ate, once he burst into tears because he couldn't believe that I had the same portion size as him, and that I would never lose the weight I should if I continued to be so greedy. By eating what I wanted demonstrated a selfish lack of respect. (I was a size 10-12 btw).

He even put up a chart on the wall called "wazzock's weight". Wazzock being his pet name for me and I had to weigh in every few days.

He was never ever violent. Until I tried to leave and he flushed my car keys down the loo and said that "you either leave here in a body bag or not at all". Looking back though he did things like locking me outside all night in the snow when I had been 'naughty'. Or putting plastic spiders (I am seriously phobic) in my bed as a punishment. He never said sorry because everything was my fault and therefore I needed to learn because I was so immature and thoughtless.

My parents told me that I would never be able to find anyone else and spent years trying to coerce me to get back with him. My mum was having some kind of menopausal breakdown at the time.

But as soon as I left I got a job as an air hostess with the airline with the red uniform which he'd never have allowed me to do which proved I was neither fat, ugly or ignorant and went on to a successful career and 5 wonderful children.

Sorry I've rambled, what I am trying to say is that I've been where you are. I thought this was all normal loving behaviour and as so many people have said, it really isn't.

I can't tell you what you should or must do, but once I made the decision to go, despite the fact it was so fraught, I immediately felt as though a weight has been lifted.

I knew nothing about Women's Aid, otherwise I would have gone to them, but leaving in the way I did, put my life at risk. I left when he was there. Please do be careful.

"Also want to say you are really strong and resourceful to have been able to get the MAP at a time that was safe for you with so much checking of your whereabouts from your husband. Well done."
Well said postman - I agree.

There are many survivors of abusive relationships on this thread, and I wanted to say how much I respect and admire you all for what you've been through and for coming out the other side. It's wonderful that you're sharing your experiences with the OP to let her know that she's not alone and there is another life out there for her. to you all

Re the post I quoted, that was sian not postman, sorry!

I knew a guy like this. When his girlfriend eventually got away he broke in, and lived in the attic and had made holes in the ceiling so he could watch her.

Before she escaped, he removed all the walls so he could see her at all times.

Yes, even load bearing ones as discovered once she left.

I suspect the only escape will have to be with the help of Women's Aid and to a refuge. Utterly horrendous and OP I do feel for you and the realisation that is coming out on each post.

Doreen WTF