DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

I dont know how old you are but some doctors offer a well woman or man "MOT" health check service

They check weight, blood pressure, cholesterol, diet. Sometimes blood is taken but not always

Perhaps you could use this as an excuse to go to the doctors

----

Contraceptive injection is completely invisible to anyone apart from yourself
However it must be injected at doctors every 12 weeks
You do not need your husbands permission
Each appointment is normally less than 5 minutes

ime I didn't know consciously that something was not right. Long story, but we were in a cult of two: he the leader, me the proselyte. Though that actually does describe the essence of these relationships...

I didn't know in my head, or wasn't aware, that something was very wrong. But my soul knew, if that makes sense. I started to get very distressed but had no idea what was wrong. One time we were with friends and I said 'something's happening to me and it's coming from him' and I pointed at him. To say I was horrified is an understatement - I looked at my outstretched arm pointing at him and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. There was a horrified hush... then a knowing look, a 'She's off her head' look between them (because of course God Almighty was smooth central; a more wonderful man you couldn't wish to meet).

Anyway, less of me. It's the sort of stories you hear on the FP - surprisingly uniform stories, actually. It confirms you're not the only one.

My word...this is a serious case of control. His desire to know where you are and what you're doing all the time is often the actions of men who have a mistress.

Now back to you. You have lived a life where you don't recognise that this isn't normal.

He has to 'approve' of your friends
He stops you leaving the house at times
You can't shop on weekends
You have a list of tasks every day ... are you a wife or the hired help?
You need to be creative .... you should have cancelled the plans with your friend and said you felt unwell.... then to the pharmacy .

When I was reading earlier pages ... I wanted to go and get the MAP for you myself and drop it off. I'm serious.

I took it many years ago ... it made me very ill with stomach cramps ... so be prepared with what to say.

I'll bet he has spy ware and a key logger on your devices.

Clearly refusing sex with him is not an option. I have a coil and my husband wanted more kids ... there's no way he could make me have it removed.

The concern he shows regarding medication is control in disguise. I'm not saying that you should leave him ... but you need to say how things will be or you should leave.

I last asked permission to go out when I lived with parents. When my kids were younger ... I'd ask if he was around on a certain night so I could go out. That was so he'd stay with the kids NOT permission to go out.

I can get in my car now and say I'm off to the corner shop or to see my mum.... he cannot and would never stop me. Your kids will view this as normal and he'll have them spying on you.

My heart goes out to you.

One more thing ... he wants you to work with him so he knows exactly where you are ALL the time. He doesn't want you mixing with normal people who will tell you it's not right.

Can I just ask if you have a cultural background that isn't British? Something you said makes me think you do?

PM to respond if you want to feel safe.

A lot of British men are like this, Sandy. Often powerful, wealthy men are like this. But also not-powerful, poor men.

This stuff is no respecter of persons, socio-economic blah blah, class, status etc etc. It happens across the board. My husband had enough power and wealth to indulge his control to the utmost, that's all.

What Dancing?

So keep it to yourself FFS.

No need to speculate on the thread dancing. Really poor form.

Your right SpringD. There are controlling men from all parts of the world. It was just a feeling I got.

I find men can take advantage when you've had FOO (family of origin) issues and they appear like some kind of KISA (knight in shining armour) to save the day.

I hate manipulation and control like this. It's at the point the OP didn't /doesn't even realise this is actually a form of abuse.... albeit not physical.

My apologies.

springy some of your words take me right back to the 'bad old days'. God Almighty, indeed! It's insidious and silent, the way they do it, isn't it? That's what makes it all seem so impossible when you try to find your way out!

But once you begin 'standing outside' and looking in, as Mrs HW is starting to do, the truth starts to be more real than the 'reality' the abusers confused us with.

And, Dancing, the appropriate thing to do if you doubt someone is just to report the thread without comment.

Are you actually allowed to do any of your own things without asking ?

I never ask my DH if I can go out/ do things, I might ask out if politeness but he'd never say no.

Focus on the supportive posts OP - keep posting sweetheart when you can.

And Dancing - I don't know if you're new - but please don't ever do that again.

If you suspect thread report it but don't announce it on the bloody thread itself.

Hoping you are asleep just now, MrsHenrryWinter
Thinking of you.
[thanks}

I used to work as a private medical practitioner in a very wealthy part of the U.K. I couldn't tell you how many of the very privileged women I saw who 'had it all' we're living versions of your life, OP. Marriages like this are more common than people realise, and unless you're in a position where you can gain insight into people's lives you just have no idea how other families function.
Best of luck OP.

As I said, my sincere apologies. I have gone via the correct route too but I am sorry if I have caused any offence.

I have skimmed, haven't read the full thread. This is called "coercive reproduction", it is a recognised form of domestic abuse.

My ex-h did this to me. The result was my DS, now age 5. Firstly I would like to make clear that I love and adore my son and wouldn't be without him. However, what I could have done without was an unwanted pregnancy in my 40's. Threatened by husband with all sorts of dire consequences if I had a termination. Went through with pregnancy. Husband ultimately had an affair and left me and the son he claimed to want more than anything and neglects him emotionally, financially and in any other way you care to imagine. I am now nearing 47 with a very young child who has an ASD diagnosis and my life will never be the same.

OP, I would think very carefully about your life going forward. Just that.

New coercive control law just passed and out in circulation.

Springy...waves...yes indeed...and more publicity desperately needed.

PS : Hope you're well x

Mrs C.

Thinking of you OP

OP, I know this is a lot to take in. I hope you're reading even if you don't feel like posting. There is support for you out there. You just have to make that phone call when you are ready.

I wouldn't be the least bit suprised if the OPs H is having affair. Staying out so late all the time and no doubt OP isn't allowed to dare question him.

I've seen this so many times before.

And the poster who was coerced into the baby post 40 ... happened to another woman. He begged for a third child.. then went and had an affair.

Caused her to develop heart problems brought on by the stress and putting her life in danger.

My fear is THAT OP won't be allowed to get a termination is the MAP doesn't work and she winds up pregnant.

If that happens.. you have to do it WITHOUT his knowledge. Don't even tell him you're pregnant. I bet he'll be charting your cycle and waiting for your period not to come.

You can get a preg test before your period is due (2 was from now even) and take action.

They now have termination pills..but you need to spend a few hours in the centre/hospital to expel the pregnancy.
This has to be done in the early stages though.

Don't let this man ruin your life by bogging you down with another kid. How very wicked of him.

Sandy i was thinking the same thing about an affair too.