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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

1002 replies

MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 08:02

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 15/05/2016 03:18

OP, just to say I have been where you are, "rescued" by a charming man, who then proceeded to turn me into the archetypal frog in slowly-boiling water.
I know that fear when people try to tell you the reality of abuse, how it is easier to block it out and stick with the more familiar fear, the one you think you can handle, the familiar strategies that you use to manage your life and keep his moods/controlling behaviour/unpleasantness at bay.
I was so accustomed to controlling behaviour that it formed a sort of "comfort zone of abuse" simply because if I didn't accept this way of life he could make my life utter hell.

You deserve better my love. Feel free to PM me.

MadameOvary · 15/05/2016 03:55

Also OP, that book that your username is from is one of my all-time favourite novels .

CheerfulYank · 15/05/2016 05:35

We're here for you. One step at a time.

Smooshface · 15/05/2016 07:38

To be honest if you don't see him all week you are already alone with 2 children! And shared custody would mean you might get more time off not less!

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 15/05/2016 07:39

Good morning.

I'm not sure why you have reported this Dancing? I've been on Mumsnet for 5 years
and I'm not a troll if that's what you're insinuating.

I doubt DH is having an affair. He is in constant contact with me throughout the day, including facetime. I know everyone he works with too. When I say constant I mean constant. We whatsapp when he's on the train, he calls as he walks to the office, emails through the morning, calls at lunchtime, email in the afternoon, calls as he walks to the station, whatsapp from the train. You get the idea. I know where he is all the time so unless he's shagging the cleaner in the loo or his 50 year old secretary it's pretty unlikely.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 15/05/2016 07:40

I've thought that Smoosh Grin

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 15/05/2016 07:50

How does he get time to do his work with that amount of contact with you Shock.

That in itself is not normal without all the other things you have mentioned.

How are you feeling this morning?

Becoolio · 15/05/2016 07:57

No wonder you can't get out to get things done if he is in constant contact with you. I've never heard anything so ridiculous.

Lweji · 15/05/2016 07:59

But he also knows where you are all the time...

Can you try gradual withdrawal? What happens if you don't answer one time? If you're in the loo or left your phone somewhere else?

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/05/2016 08:02

That sounds stifling for you, and is so, so controlling on his part.

I hope you can arm yourself with information and support and leave this man to start living your own life on your own terms ASAP, MrsHW. Because your current set-up is really no way for a soul to live.

Lweji · 15/05/2016 08:06

Considering it all, you may need to choose to leave with very little but a quick bag and the children.
Would you be prepared to do it?

But if so, I'd withdraw a substantial amount from the joint account, so that I could then purchase furniture and clothes.

Or does he travel abroad?
How far is he if he decides to come home because you don't answer rhe phone?

rainbowstardrops · 15/05/2016 08:08

Blimey all that contact during the day must be stifling!
He wants to know exactly what you're doing Confused

FoggyBottom · 15/05/2016 08:14

He's very controlling. You poor love Flowers it must be completely grinding you down to have to respond to that level of contact. What does he do if you don't respond immediately?

momtothree · 15/05/2016 08:26

I've read most of this thread and most of the OP -

I think you are waking up! But need time to consider your options.

Start with putting some money aside - photocopying documents - have a plan.

It's not normal to be told how to live at weekends - it's not normal for these constant texts - it would drive me insane!!!

ElspethFlashman · 15/05/2016 08:38

Good god.

I love my husband but there is no way we need to contact that often. That's insane.

Fucking insane. He keeps you on a very very short leash indeed. Jesus.

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 15/05/2016 08:45

He checks that my phone is on loud and he texts me before he calls so I know to answer. If I don't answer, for whatever reason he will ask why and he's either sad that we didn't talk or pissed off depending on the reason.

He likes me to be with him all the time. He follows me round the house, sits with me as I have a bath etc. I'm used to it now so it doesn't bother me. I can ask to have a few minutes alone and I get a lie in every Saturday and Sunday so I do get some time to myself.

Living it day to day it isn't scary or claustrophobic. He's nice and kind to me.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/05/2016 08:46

Hope you manage to get to the doctor's soon x

Lightbulbon · 15/05/2016 08:47

OP it must be hard for you to read this thread.

Take time to let it all sink in.

What you said about being safe unless you try to leave is chillingly true. Women are most at risk from abusive partners when they try to leave.

Take time planning your exit so you can do it safely and he can't find you.

Womens aid can provide useful advice in this planning stage. You don't need to wait until you've made a decision to leave before contacting them.

Good luck.

gamerchick · 15/05/2016 08:49

He sounds like a complete heed the ball OP. What he's doing is not normal. When do you have time for your kids if it's that level of contact? Confused

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/05/2016 08:53

You're his teddy bear, not a thinking feeling human being in your own right. In his view.

That's why he has no qualms about impregnating yoy against your will. After all, dolls and teddies don't get a say of their own, do they?

This is chilling, MrsHW. You deserve a life of your own.

selsigfach · 15/05/2016 08:55

Your last post is heartbreaking, OP. Following you around everywhere so you can't have a moment's peace - are you allowed to poo unaccompanied? - is not nice and kind.

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 15/05/2016 08:56

Doing things with the children is the only excuse that doesn't go down badly. He's very focused on their development and happiness and it's my job to see that they are doing as well as they can.

I'm very well educated and well read which is part of my appeal to him. He wants me to bring the children up in my image so to speak. It does sound crazy written down!

He resents his parents for not pushing him enough and not encouraging him academically. Although he is extremely well educated himself with an outstanding academic record.

I don't know really, the guy has a lot of issues!

OP posts:
RomComPhooey · 15/05/2016 08:57

I would find the level of checking, surveillance and following utterly, utterly suffocating. It's no life. Yours seems to totally geared to meeting his needs. Where are yours in all of this?

Custardmiteofglut · 15/05/2016 08:57

That much contact is controlling and restrictive. It is not normal.

When I was on mat leave there were days when I waved my DH off to work and we wouldn't have contact until he'd get home, as we'd both been so busy. He'd regularly ask me what I'd been up to that day as he didn't know.

OP I know this is hard, so please be gentle with yourself. Your 'normal' is being challenged and revealed as something very far from normal, which is going to absolutely mess with your head. Take good care.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 15/05/2016 08:58

Op, what is your GP like? Can you confide in them what's happening?

Even in a small community they are duty bound NOT to reveal this sort of information and to protect you in the future - when it comes to actually leaving - any and all records with your GP would be very very useful if you wished to take it further. Your GP would be able to help advise a good solution for you given the extreme circumstances and give you a good reason for return visits. Like smear test needs redoing because not enough cells were gathered.

i know you said the coil didn't feel right but given the effect another pregnancy would have on your mental health and make it harder for you to leave, I would reconsider. I had side effects from the coil but for me they were worth it compared to getting pregnant again. I would take them again any day because peace of mind, being in control of my own life is worth so much.

Over the coming months you will become the most incredible actress and you will get out.

Just a few tips - if you use mumsnet regularly. Keep changing your user name. Even having a second email address with a 'if he asks he can see this account' username. So your real account is still hidden.

Set you computer to automatically delete all search history. Or enable private browsing. Another poster can point out the best way to do this.

Don't save any passwords to computers or phones. even Facebook or Twitter accouns.

Op, is your mobile phone and iPhone and are all iPhones linked to the same account? Ie can he track you from your iPhone and read any text messages you get? I'd be thinking about that too especially as he can contact you via FaceTime all day. You'd really need to get good cover stories for MAP Collection and GP appts.

When going to the chemist is there anything else you need to pick up as a cover story? Plasters, antihistamines, sudocrem?
Also bin the MAP packaging before you get home. The last thing you want is that on your person. Hide the second pill somewhere safe.

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