DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

Well done you!

Do you have something like a tablet or phone that'll play CBeebies or something to distract the kids at the doctors?

Will they be in the room with you at the doctors?

How about something like ... you've been secretly worried about the perimenopause lately as you've been feeling so tired and had some warm flushes, and you wanted to speak to a doctor privately? And it's felt a bit embarrassing, you didn't want to bother DH but it's probably nothing to worry about?

Could you say you are going for a smear, or got an emergency appointment to see about a bit of spotting that worried you? That way, if your kids happen to let GP visit slip, or if they are articulate enough to tell H that you had a vaginal examination, that can be explained without seeming suspicious.

Ideally whatever illness you invent shouldn't be about "women's problems".

He's already far too interested in your reproductive system.

You don't want to tip him off that you have done anything to prevent a pregnancy.

Couldn't you see a doctor while your youngest is at preschool?

This is another thought, but if you have any "evidence" of the semen from the condomless sex, is it worth keeping it, in case evidence of this behaviour in a future divorce is needed?

Maybe an allergy for the trip to the doctor?

Well done OP.

For the coil appointment, could you if later questioned or kids let anything slip, say you had a big outbreak of thrush and had a pessary?

My youngest is always with me, my oldest goes to preschool a few sessions a week.

I find it almost impossible to lie to him, he has a way of knowing if I'm lying.

He doesn't actually isolate me from friends and family as such. He likes to keep people around because they could be of use to him. He sees everyone for what they can offer him. He collects people.

For example he likes to do a big party in the summer and at Christmas. That way we've done 'our bit' and everyone can see what good hosts we are. I throw a good party

The injection would work for you (am repeating this as I know you may not have taken the whole thread in OP) and a GP can do it in a normal appointment so no specialist input needed. If you could ring them and explain what you need before you get there - stick the kids in front of CBeebies for ten minutes - they might be able to help you. Maybe the receptionists would take the kids for a bit. You could say it was an allergy shot or steroids. But it won't leave a mark and he won't be able to tell it's been done.

Could the coil fitting could be linked to a visit to the shops that involves the youngest getting a new toy (far more interesting).

Ah, just seen your post - get an appointment for when your eldest is in preschool, then, and your youngest won't know what's going on.

I bet you do throw a good party. You'll throw a really good one one fine day, when it's all under your control and nobody else's

Do you tell friends and family your marital situation?

In that respect, you are isolated. He has no need to isolate you physically because he knows you keep it a secret. It's a cliche, but abusers do thrive on secrecy. I suspect he'll isolate you from anyone you grow close to and confide in.

Is your youngest old enough to tell? If so, consider a distraction treat like lunch at McD or a movie. Something that will be a big enough treat to overshadow a dr visit so if H asks what they did they'll tell him about the treat.

He has a way of 'knowing' you've lied because right now your fear shows through when you try to hide things (i.e. protect yourself). As you get stronger and feel you no longer 'owe' him an explanation of your actions he'll no longer be able to tell, trust me. And it's probably also because he says "Really? Did you really?" (or words to that effect) in 'that tone' that make you think he already knows, when in reality he's simply 'testing' or 'probing'. This makes you vomit up the truth thinking you better 'admit' it before you 'get in trouble'. Think and look back on some of these times he 'knew the truth'.

He may very well be a 'people collector'. But some of those people he's 'collected' have been collected to keep an eye on you, i.e. your friend's husband. It may appear otherwise, but again, think carefully. Yes, maybe they are also useful in other ways, maybe that's why he's 'guided' you in to friendships with them, but that doesn't mean he isn't also using them to keep tabs on you.

The more I hear of him, the worse he sounds. Again, do you have family you can turn to?

I have a large family but they all live a long way away. My close family are pretty disinterested in me other than a means to emotional or financial support.

I have basically looked after myself since I was a young child. As I mentioned previously I was neglected for significant parts of my childhood.

Do you have any condition that you have been meaning to see doc about? Smear test, tiredness, excema, allergy, anything at all?

If so mention that to doc too then only tell him about that bit. That way you are not lying so it will be easier for you to pass it off.

I apologize then, for asking about your family.

I think a smear test would be a good alibi if you haven't had one recently.

How about a routine breast check? Would that excuse work? MrsH, I hope you can escape from him. Can you call Women's Aid?

I was thinking that if you wrote a brief explanation of your situation, you could hand a note to the GP when you go into the consulting room. That way, you wouldn't be at any risk of your youngest overhearing and repeating what you talked to the doctor about at home. I would keep it short and include key information, like when you had the unprotected sex (how many hours), that you were ovulating and what remedy you are seeking - eg. treatment to prevent a pregnancy, but also a form of contraception for longer term cover which will not be apparent to your husband. Also, ask the GP to make a note on your record that it was non-consensual, in case of any problems down the line. Then make sure it says that the GP should be careful about what they say in front of your child.

When I had my post-natal internal check, the GP called one of the receptionists in to hold my son whilst she examined me behind the curtain on the examining couch.

Of course, don't prepare your note beforehand where your husband might see it.

Roms idea is very good.

Does your youngest DC have any check ups due, or reoccurring rash/spots/cold?

If they do then make an appointment for you both, this way when he asks then you have a legitimate reason H DC had a rash/spot, I had it checked out as I was concerned (then you won't need to mention what you had done).

If he asks why it wasn't mentioned to him before hand, then say you had only noticed that morning and thought that it might be something like chickenpox (when my DC had chicken pox, spots suddenly appeared over night and I took DC to the GP to confirm it).

OP, you are doing so, so great. I can only imagine how hard this is.

Well done you for taking those steps

He could feel it last time I had one and asked I have it removed.
Asked? And what would have happened if you had said 'no'?

it's a long time since anything physical has taken place
. Nothing physical ever should take place.

I am completely safe (...) as long as I don't try to leave.
This is, as someone else has said, the probably the scariest thing you have written, OP. None of this is normal. No, you are not making it sound worse as it is. If only a fraction of what you have said were true (and I don't doubt you!) it would already be too awful to live like this.

He doesn't know you're lying, MrsH. He's just convinced you he does; that he is God Almighty all-powerful and all-knowing. He really, really isn't.

I relate to a lot of what you say about your marriage. I also thought he was God Almighty. So did he, actually.

Anyway, bearing in mind he doesn't know you're lying, borrow my injury: I've been clearing out the garage (bravo moi!) and when trying to shut the boot of the car stuffed to the gills with all the junk ready for the dump, I hurt my wrist. I'll be going to the docs on Monday if it doesn't calm down.

Created an account just to say.. MrsH, you are doing great. You know your situation better than anyone, so don't ever doubt your instincts when it comes to what to do to stay safe in the short-term.

Read the whole thread and although you've said some things that make it seem like you may believe the relationship and your h is totally normal (or at least did), what you have described and the way you describe it suggests deep down you know there's something wrong with the way he's treating you. Like there's a little voice in your head saying "hey, listen! This is all totally wrong". Hold on to that, cement in your mind what you know so there is no doubt, and internally discard everything he says about what he thinks is reality.

Oh, and the freedom programme is great. Idk if it's the same everywhere, but when I did it we had a little folder to keep the sheets in from each session. If it's not safe for someone to take that home, they can leave it there ready for the next session.

The point of the fp is to help you recognise what is abusive, and what is actually normal and good from a partner. Each session focused on a different "type" of abusive person, and contrasted their behaviour with what a regular, decent person would do.

One of the best things about the programme though, was seeing the positive changes in everyone who was on it. We all had different situations and experiences, some started out more worn down by their perps and lacking in confidence etc. But finding that we weren't alone, weren't the one with the problem, and weren't going crazy, really seemed to help some especially gain confidence in a short space of time.

It may not be something you can do while still with your h, or that you may feel ready to do in the near future. But you can do it any time when you are ready.