DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

Mrs H - just a question. What do you think your husband would have done if you had refused to have the coil removed? Was refusal something you even considered as an option?

You haven't felt unsafe because you've been compliant. Probably following whatever physical aggression that happened in the past. And you are acutely aware of what your limits are.

Do make a leaving plan, build it up in secret, and then apply it as a band aid.
Be aware, though that he may find it out and you may, for any reason, have to leave in a hurry. Please try to set up a hidden stash of funds and maybe some clothes you could just grab. You may have access to money now, but unless you have your own money, he could easily leave you with nothing by transferring money elsewhere.

I could only manage reading half the comments because the amount of victim blaming here is honesty horrific.

OP - I'm so sorry this happened to you. He is an arsehole plain and simple, he wants to keep you at home most likely where he thinks you won't be meeting anyone else who can tell you what he's really like. He isn't working on his controlling ways. He raped you, plain and simple. You told him to wear a condom and he lied to you because he knew you'd stop the act if he told you the truth. Get the MAP. Maybe ask him to move out for a few days of you feel able or, is there somewhere you and the kiddies can go to clear your head.

MrsH, when you are able to call womens aid, they will help you with how to plan to get away from this man.

Please stay safe. This thread is so utterly chilling, one of my closest friends had a similar situation and she got away, her life would make a Hollywood movie it was that terrifying.
She's now in a happy 'boring' relationship with a man who loves her and treats her like a partner and person in her own right and she's happy as are her children.

Posters who keep asking why the op doesn't just insist on no sex or just get the coil and tell him - she can't. She's been controlled and abused by a dangerous man for many years. She's conditioned to do what he says and she fears his anger - either because he will be vile to her and ruin her home environment for her and the children until he gets his way, or because he may physically hurt her, or punish her with unwanted sex. Abusers get inside their victims' heads and fuck things up from the inside.
At the moment the man has everything as he wants it so he is treating the op and the children nicely. It's their reward for being obedient. The op (sorry to talk in 3rd person op, I hope you're not offended) cannot risk upsetting him because they will all suffer.
The thought of leaving him is utterly terrifying and not something she can decide on the spur of the moment. Until she is ready she must do what is necessary to keep herself and the children safe. She knows that, and that's what she is doing because she is conditioned to predict his abuse and do what is needed to prevent it.
Op, your children are learning exactly the same lessons. That's the main reason you must leave - even above your own safety.

OP have been following your thread.

You say some posters are a bit harsh and they probably are but they most likely not angry with you but outraged on your behalf.

But even so, it isn't helpful because 'waking up' to realise how far from 'normal' your relationship is is a really traumatic and unpleasant experience. it takes time to process and sometimes posters want action now not tealising this just isn't possible and it must go at your pace not theirs.

Take some time to process it.
Be gentle with yourself.
Stay safe as much as you can.

And above all remember none of this, not one bit, is your fault.
You did not allow this or invite it or bring it on yourself in anyway. You have found yourself in a very unfortunate situation that countless women before you have also found themselves in through no fault of their own (Lots of them on MN).

There is help. It isn't an impossible situation to get out of.

Keep posting when and if you feel you can and we'll do our very best to help you.

Big hugs winter. You can get through this.

I wish MNHQ would use the money they got from allowing cadburys to buy space on here to buy a runaway place so that someone could go and get MrsHW and her DCs and get her away from her abuser.

I know it's ridiculous and fanciful. Just powerless to help.

Mrs H - I had a friend in your situation and she managed to get out safely with help and careful planning.

Over a few weeks she got some clothes and toys out for her and the children . You know, like winter clothes than might be packed away now on top of a cupboard . She put them in a friends garage .

Then on D day, while her children were at school / nursery and her H was at work , about 8 of us went round with ours cars and helped her take all the kids and her stuff and some household things that she wanted .

We were able to dismantle the kids beds ( the ones from IKEA ), we took their mattresses , bedding, towels , a rug, curtains, all their clothes and toys . Basically everything from their rooms except the wardrobe.

We even got the washing machine ( which she wanted ) - someone disconnected it and we got it in the back of a hatchback # resourceful women

We got a lots of kitchen stuff in boxes . Books. Important paperwork .

She had NO money at all , her H controlled everything , so all this stuff was very important to her . Also she suspected that her H would destroy all her and the children's belongings once he found out they had left .

She has to rehome their small pets , as she knew her husband would kill them once he found out.

Everything went in the friends garage , except a few suitcases of clothes and toys. Then she picked up the kids and drove to a town a few hundred miles away, where her family live . She already had a womens aid place there . The WA worker helped her apply for benefits and got the kids into school / nursery .

She got rehoused quite quickly in a housing association property as WA get a proportion of their lets . Then she hired a van and drove back to pick up the rest of her stuff . She got a job, not well paid and only PT but still a job. And she rebuilt her life , free from fear .

She has no money at all , no job and little education. But she did it . And so can you .

There's help and support out there.

MrsHW, I hope you keep reading. You are clearly living in a very difficult environment and you need a plan. The future plan may take time to come to fruition and you need to think about your options.

However, your priority number one is to get that pill. If it is so difficult to have access to MAP it will be impossible to consider other options if you become pregnant. And that would be it. If you cannot see a clear exit now, a pregnancy would be the nail in the coffin.

Is there any friend/family member who can order it for you, collect it and bring it to you if it is difficult for you to do so?

You need to talk to someone who gets this in real life and work it out slowly.

OP please be very careful.

Now that you have realised, just how scary he is and how shocking every single one of us finds your position you must be careful not to give yourself away.

I hope you find the strength to get far away from this very dangerous man.

I see other people have talked about sterilisation, but that is very final. If you leave this guy, you might meet someone else and feel differently about having another child?

herecomesthesun if you go through the thread again you will see the OP has written in a post that she never wanted children AT ALL.

OP were you coerced into having your two children.

Im childfree by choice and meeting an arsehole like this and reproductive coercion would be my worst nightmare.

Was this your original choice in life before meeting him and being bullied and coerced into being a parent?

Yes I saw that. Sterilization is still quite final and limiting of future life choices and relationships though. Getting another coil secretly might be a good alternative option that is reversible later if circumstances / wishes change.

mrshw I hope you're ok.

I can't understand being in your position - Dh and I are fairly uncontrolling. I do my own thing and he does his.

I know he disapproves of a few of my friends (the ones who persuade me to go out and just have one more drink....!) but he'd never try to stop me seeing them.

If you are only just seeing your relationship now with new eyes, be careful. Please look after yourself. Try not to raise suspicion. And if you can, get out when you can.

There are places and people who will help you.

It's so hard to get the tone right when posting on threads like this, MrsHW -

For myself, I can feel afraid when reading stories like this - and I've been around domestic abuse circles for decades (and was a victim myself) and have heard countless stories. Perhaps stories like this are triggering for posters, hence a great urgency to get the message across...

Because being too gentle and the poster, deep in the web her abuser have spun around her, may not see the urgency of her situation.

I'm not excusing myself - I don't think I have been brutal in my posts - but it's understandable that posters feel the need to drive the message home. It's hard to get the balance.

Even posts from posters who post to the effect of 'what's the problem? Just do this or this' present a normality that is lacking in coercive relationships - and posts like this are valuable in their way.

I really do understand the immense confusion you are probably experiencing now. I remember that time well - it was utterly horrifying, I was terrified and desperately confused; the world felt dangerously tilted and dark. Ime it was by far the worst time of all that went before or after. Eg the before felt relatively safe and comfortable, even pleasant; the after was infused with joy to be free - even though both before and after had their trials. But getting through that portal to freedom was the worst.

That said, as soon as I made contact with Eg Women's Aid etc that immense confusion and fear vanished. I'm not selling this to you; this is a factual account.

My love, we are all so worried for you, we want to see you free of this, please look into removing yourself, half of all the money and all the documents you can find. With a bit of support and a few phone calls, you'll see you're not as trapped as you think you are.

The MAP works by delaying ovulation. So if you've already ovulated this cycle, it can do nothing. A copper coil or other IUD, however, will prevent implantation. IUDs are the only effective "morning after" solutions in the second half of a woman's cycle (post ovulation).

MrsHW I don't know if this has been addressed (and I'm too lazy this Saturday morning to go back and look, sorry) but where is your family? Any friends that he's not involved with, even people you've lost contact with? I don't mean physically, I mean are you still in contact with them or has he isolated you from them, too. Can you talk to them? Even if you haven't spoken to them for some time or he's engineered some 'spat' between you, it's highly likely that they would be glad relieved to hear from you. Even if they are far away, even in another country, that doesn't mean they can't be of some help. When I left my abusive ex, my BFF was 600 miles away and although there wasn't much she could do for me physically or financially just knowing that she knew and was supporting me in her heart and words was uplifting.

If he's gone during the day, does he still monitor your phone/internet usage? Is there any way you could purchase a 'burner' phone using cash for your private use and hide it?

Well said springy, the fear we felt in,our own relationships is very much felt when we read stories like this.

Op, we are side by side with you. Those who rant and rave know fuck all, and you need to ignore them.

This is a new situation for you, it's confusing, frightening and daunting. You've been conditions to put up with this. Death by a thousand cuts.

The answer IS simple, you do need to take that first step to leave, just work up the strength to do so. That's what we are here for. WA, the police if need be. You have an absolute right to NOT have to live like his.

Goingto

"I wish MNHQ would use the money they got from allowing cadburys to buy space on here to buy a runaway place so that someone could go and get MrsHW and her DCs and get her away from her abuser."

While this a lovely idea, there is actually no need for it, because women's refuges and domestic abuse support services already exist. All the OP needs to do is call the helpline run by Women's Aid and Refuge (0808 2000 247) and they will be able to help her leave.

Obviously the OP needs to feel ready and able to do so. But the services are there.

You put that really well springydaffs. I did ask earlier in the thread why op didn't get the MAP as a priority yesterday as I am concerned that she doesn't see the urgency that everyone else does. It is so obvious to me but obviously the situation is complicated and I didn't mean it to sound blaming.

I got the pill this afternoon so let's hope it works.
I'll see about getting a coil on Monday. It's hard when you have young children because they tell their dad what they've been doing! They will say if we go to the doctor so I'll have to fake an illness.

Well done for getting the pill this afternoon.
Hope you can get a coil on Monday and find a good excuse for going to the doctor.
Hang on in there, you're doing brilliantly.

Fingers crossed, MrsH. On Monday, perhaps you could say you were bleeding down there - it might put him off for a while.

Keep strong. We are here for you.