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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

1002 replies

MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 08:02

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 14/05/2016 10:49

Is it just oestrogen based contraception you can't take? I can't take them either but I was ok on the mini pill.

I think the hormone based coil is progesterone based as well. It's much smaller than old fashioned coils.

VestalVirgin · 14/05/2016 10:50

The morning after pill may not help if the egg has already implanted, so do take a pregnancy test a couple of days after taking it, and get an abortion if necessary.

And do get out of this relationship as fast as possible. Getting invisible contraception is something you should do just in case, but if you can go and live with a friend immediately, I would advise you to do that.

Be aware that men have removed women's contraceptive implants, spirals, etc. This is not completely failsafe either.

Good luck! Flowers

VestalVirgin · 14/05/2016 10:51

Not spiral, coil. Didn't translate that to English in my head.

Pill has to be kept in a locked drawer as well. And best if he doesn't know.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/05/2016 10:55

www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/progestin-only-hormonal-methods-mini-pills-shots

Any of these useful? Family planning can fit them.

HermioneWeasley · 14/05/2016 11:03

So relieved to hear you're OK this morning MrsHW

There are a lot of women here with good advice and resources as you feel that you need them and ready to access them

thatorchidmoment · 14/05/2016 11:04

Vestal If the threads are cut off a coil, it would not be possible for a partner to remove it, and indeed, he wouldn't feel it or know about it. Threads are useful to check the coil is still in place, and for removal. Obviously a trained family planning practitioner could remove the coil even if the strings are cut, but it takes more than a quick guddle with fingers at home.

itsallgonetoshit · 14/05/2016 11:05

OP, you sound like me 10 years ago. I had been with my ex H for nine years before the abuse started properly. At first it was punching the wall next to my head, then it got worse and worse. Then, when he had me absolutely terrified and bending over backwards to keep him in a good mood, he started on DC.

I thought I was in a good relationship and it was, as long as I kept him happy with enough attention to his needs, particularly sex (4-5 times a week, including having to have sex with him 10 days after giving birth). If he got unhappy, we all suffered.

Please don't stay with him. I did, at first because I thought he was going through a rough time and it wasn't his fault, and later because it was the only way I knew to protect the children from him. It didn't work, he hurt them anyway. Please take care.

Greenkit · 14/05/2016 11:21

O.M.G.

I feel for you so much xx

camaleon · 14/05/2016 11:53

How does it matter if he can feel the coil? What would he say/do? He knows you don't want more children.

NameChange30 · 14/05/2016 11:56

God, some people really don't get it, do they?!

camaleon He knows that she doesn't want any more children but he doesn't care, he is trying to get her pregnant anyway. He already restricts her freedom. If he knew she had got a coil fitted without his "permission" or knowledge he would probably be furious and would punish her by restricting her freedom ever further.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 14/05/2016 11:56

OP he sounds so scary. Utterly manipulative and trying to be one step ahead at all times. I actually think on this case this is one abuser who knows exactly what he is doing.

I have read about so many evil men on here and even had the misfortune to meet one or two....but your husband is absolutely terrifying.

PestilentialCat · 14/05/2016 11:56

Leaving the threads longer than usual on a coil make them less likely to prickle a penis as they tend to curl up out of the way, rather than sticking downwards. He could perhaps still feel them with his finger though.

He probably won't have been able to feel them before - that was just his reason for you not to use the coil.

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 14/05/2016 11:59

I am being as proactive as I can be. I have a list of jobs that is agreed on each day which keeps me busy. It's quite a way into town and I don't have much time between dropping DC1 at preschool and collecting her again or attending groups or whatever we are doing.

I'm not allowed to do certain things at the weekend such as go to a supermarket because it's a waste of DH's time.

I'm doing the best I can right now and the aggressive tone of some poster's is really unhelpful. Thank you to those who have made helpful and gentle suggestions.

I will look into the Freedom Programme this week. Please remember that this is all very new for me and this thread has made me feel far more frightened than I did before.

OP posts:
PestilentialCat · 14/05/2016 11:59

I've just read your post about him engineering a friendship with the DH of your friend - just another way of keeping tabs on you - so controlling Sad

PestilentialCat · 14/05/2016 12:00

Why is your going to the supermarket a waste of his time? Because he has to come as well, I expect. Just awful.

PestilentialCat · 14/05/2016 12:01

"agreed list of jobs for every day to keep me busy" - jeez Mrs H - this gets worse & worse Sad Angry

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 14/05/2016 12:01

MrsHW...I for one am sorryFlowers

We just hate that you have been put in this situation.

slithytove · 14/05/2016 12:04

I'm so sorry MrsH. You and your children deserve so much better than this.

I hope you find a way to be free. You will have support here whenever you need it x

BBQsAreSooooOverrated · 14/05/2016 12:06

This all sounds awful :( really not what 'normal' relationships are like. The more you mention the worse it sounds.

TurnipCake · 14/05/2016 12:08

Oh God, MrsH, as other posters have said, this thread reminds me of GB's story. She managed to get out and is so much happier for it.

I was in an abusive relationship too, once I was free of him and his poison, life got better and better.

Please keep posting here if it's helping x

thatorchidmoment · 14/05/2016 12:08

A list of jobs agreed on.
Not allowed to do 'certain things' at the weekend.

Flowers for you OP.
What are your thoughts on suggestions given here for your future contraception? This is a priority as it's clear your H is planning to get you pregnant against your will.

I know you mentioned problems with the coil previously. Was there anything other than your H telling you to have it removed? If he wasn't aware you had one put in, would you consider having one again?

Don't feel you need to answer this on this forum, but I care deeply for anyone in this situation and covert contraception is part of the answer while you make your plans.

DoinItFine · 14/05/2016 12:09

I have a list of jobs that is agreed on each day which keeps me busy.

Is this one of the things that you are starting to see is Not Normal?

Your time is not your own. You have so little freedom to make your own choices.

It is frightening to read about, so it must be very disturbing to wake up to if that is your life.

One day the jobs that will be keeping you busy will be the things you choose to do. :)

Sarahplane · 14/05/2016 12:09

Divorce his ass. I don't say that lightly but that is despicable, he clearly has now respect for your body, your feelings or you.

driveninsanebythehubby · 14/05/2016 12:18

Glad to read that you are ok this morning - good luck at the pharmacy later.

I too am getting chills the more I read (and partly because I'm recognising some of it as what happens to me like asking permission to go out although I'm normally told no).

You mentioned that he's trying to get better about his controlling behaviour - does that mean you've spoken about it before? Was it something you brought up? If you don't feel strong enough/able to leave, could you revisit that talk and see if he'd get counselling to at least maybe make him start to realise for himself that this is not ok.

I think you need to LTB but I mention the above because I KNOW that isn't the simplest or easiest thing to do - especially in this type of relationship.

Flowers OP - you don't deserve this, no matter what you think. Keep that journal of his behaviour. You will be believed. I know what you mean about other people though - my DH would never show his controlling side in public (eg if I asked permission to go out in public he's react very surprised as if why am I asking - now I'm realising that this means he KNOWS that he is controlling me. I suspect this will be the same for you and in public he would act like the worlds number 1 husband?)

Keep us posted so that we know you are safe xxxxxx

driveninsanebythehubby · 14/05/2016 12:19

By the way, thank you to the posted a over who suggested the FP for me to look into. I'm going to do that when I get a chance xx

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