DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

I'm glad you're okay.

When you go out for your MAP today, take a bottle of water with you and take it when you pick it up. The pharmacist can dispose of the packaging for you.

You can get the coil with strings removed, that way it can't be felt. You could then have it removed in a week's time anyway. Then consider the injection, which is undetectable and lasts 12 weeks.

MrsH, what do you think would happen if you simply informed your H that you were now using contraception?

What would happen if you said no to sex?

Please don't think no one would believe you or minimise the abuse you are experiencing.

I feel as if I'm making it all sound worse than it is.

I strongly suspect that it is worse than you make it sounds because you have been groomed for some time (?since childhood) to accept to be treated like this. AND be grateful for it .
But you are beginning to become aware of the one-sidedness of the power balance in your relationship. It was you who used the phrased 'gilded cage'.

Yy to getting coil threads trimmed - v easy to do and will make it utterly un-feelable.

I am safe as long as I don't try to leave

I'm sorry but that is one of the scariest things you have said :(:(

Please take care of yourself and check with your GP what are the options available fur you re contraception. You cant take the risk of him behaving that way, and then having to take the MAP, if you are so sensitive to hormones (I am and I know it can be horrible)

He could feel it last time I had one and asked I have it removed.

I had a feeling this was the "problem" with the most reliable non-hormonal contraception available to you.

I agree that this is michaela worse than you are making it sound.

The things you accept as normal are horrifying.

Hope you are ok OP

What happened last time he was physical with you?

Mrs, keep this thread as a journal. Or start your private blog, say, as a secret email account to yourself.

You can be believed.
Start by talking to WA and to your gp about your concerns.
My guess is that people will already think he's not quite the person you think they think. They will have noticed odd things.
Why not start by mentioning smaller things? What happens if someone asks you to go out? Do you tell them yes, that you'll check with your oh or that you'll ask his permission?
You can have a few glitches and ask him directly in front of people if he allows you to go. See what he says. Your friends' alarm bells will ring.

This sounds so sad for you. I hope you get the MAP sorted today.

Definitely get a coil fitted and explain the reasons and need and the clipped threads bit. If your GP cannot do it same day phone up out of hours GP today and explain need for emergency coil as too late for MAP and they should be able to point you in right direction.

If not and you find out in 2 weeks you are pregnant you can get a very early termination with medication and he will never know.

You are not exaggeration this is real and it's good to finally realise the situation through others eyes

:(

This is awful OP. He is controlling you every second. This must be horrific to realise all this so take it easy.

Please recognise that other relationships are not like this. You are starting to see it - he polices what you eat, where you go, who you're friends with, the sort of contraception you'll use (none), whether or not you'll study (nope) or work (also nope) and you do not feel safe. Good relationships are not like this. It doesn't even occur to regular people to police another's food, relationships... existence.

You're getting there.

It's an oft-trotted own line but think of the kids. They will model what they desire in a relationship based on their parents' interactions. Mum always asks permission. Mum needs telling what to eat. Dad decides everything. Mum shouldn't question. Dad has rages. It'll seep down and the cycle will continue. It takes a massive amount of courage to break the cycle but you're halfway there.

Even the GP will have ideas of what you can do, and if you're sitting there asking for 'contraception my husband won't know about', they'll hopefully be on the ball and start advising you where you can go. You cannot stay. He may not have hit you, but he has performed an attack upon your body and you are scared of what may come, so he's laid enough foundation threats.

Be strong. It's tough but you can do this.

IME you'd have to very very lucky to find an OOH GP who can fit a coil.

FPC emergency contraception advice - it does not say much about IUD fitting OOH

Could ellaOne work for you?
Good luck today

OP, you said he works in the city Mon-Fri so did you mean that he's away from the home all week or that he works long hours (with commuting)?
I really hope you get the MAP today.
He knows you're ovulating so I'm guessing he's going to be very keen to DTD this weekend.

If you want to get out, Women's Aid will support you (in all ways) to make a plan and safely execute it over time. So you don't have to worry if you get to that point.

You are also anon with WA unless you want it otherwise. They will not force you to leave but will help you explore your situation in order to make an informed choice. They are the experts in situations like this and they won't push or force - they know we've had enough of that.

Thanks for updating us, OP. Good luck today getting the MAP. The advice to take it in the chemist's is good.

Did you have a look at the Freedom Programme info posted upthread?

Again, you are anonymous at the FP, you are not required to give your details (you can go to a course out of area if that is easier for you).

You can also do the course online (though IMO it is better to do it in RL, not least because you meet other sane, ordinary women grappling with the same stuff. But there's something about RL that breaks the web abusers have woven around us, the oxygen of which is isolation and secrecy. And shame )

But online FP is powerful, I should add.

Springy I agree that the Freedom Programme would be helpful but I doubt very much the OP would be able to attend a course while she is still living with her husband.

Can you develop a funny feeling in your breast / think you can feel a lump or something that would genuinely need an emergency appointment with a gp.
(Sorry anyone who has had this - I know it's despicable to use this as an excuse but it is something he can't really challenge or say you shouldn't follow up). It can be possibly a cyst or uneven tissue.
This will give you the excuse to speak your your gp in confidence and sort out a coil

Can I ask how your husband knows you are ovulating? Does he keep a track of it or do you tell him? (Exh would never have known in a million years.)

I get the sense you don't feel the contraception long or short term is as urgent as everyone else on the thread thinks it is. Or at least you don't seem very proactive. Why do you think that is?

True, Emma. I meant to suggest you could have found a new toddler group? A lot of FP courses offer free childcare in a separate room so it wouldn't be too far from the truth.

Can you spell out how he can have such control over what you are doing when he's not even there?

Has anyone mentioned Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? If it is safe to have a copy in your home you could put it in a different cover and put it in the bookcase. Failing that, you can read it at your local WA - or order it at the library to read there.

He would insist on evidence of the 'lump', no doubt.

(I've had the 'wrong lump' and I am not offended at your suggestion, Bertha. Needs must in situations like this.)

OP on the subject of the coil:

Did your 'D'H know you had it? If so, have a copper could fitted, don't tell him, and you'll probably find he won't feel it. I have one, DP knows it but he can't feel it. Personally I think your DP is just being a controlling twunt because he wants another child. You see, by making up reasons why your contraception affects him or the op for you is too risky , he can take control of it.

Arses who manage to hide their controlling behaviours from others are the worst kind.

So sorry you are going through this.