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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

1002 replies

MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 08:02

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

OP posts:
Lweji · 13/05/2016 18:14

Sorry, cross post.

You should definitely leave, or find a way to get rid of him.

He is dangerous.
Do call WA, work out a leaving plan, and a survival plan (as in my post above), get legal advice and get yourself and the children safe.

It may seem as it will be difficult to find evidence of his abuse, but once you leave and he finds himself challenged, the gloves will come off. Particularly if you limit any contact to texts and emails, he will have no option but to try and control you through that.

MusicIsMedicine · 13/05/2016 18:14

He has physically stopped you from leaving your home? How?

What would happen if you called a taxi?

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 18:15

I will do what I can. Realistically I have to get through the weekend so that's my first goal.

I won't be posting again tonight as DH will be home soon.

I'm safe enough so please don't worry. I'm quite adept at handling his moods.

OP posts:
needastrongone · 13/05/2016 18:16

Every time you post I worry for you just that little bit more OP. 'Let you go out'?, a friend he 'approved of'?

You've tried to leave before, so things are perhaps not perfect anyway. You can do it again. x

Lweji · 13/05/2016 18:16

Yes, you are, but you are also at risk of being made pregnant. Sad

RandomMess · 13/05/2016 18:16

Sad just horrific reading how controlling he is.

Canyouforgiveher · 13/05/2016 18:18

Yes. He would and has physically stopped me from leaving the house. He would take my keys and the car if it came to it. It's his car, under his name.

This is horrific. This man has committed so many crimes.

MusicIsMedicine · 13/05/2016 18:18

You are not safe!

He has just raped you and he was happy about it!

You are scared and unable to leave your home without his permission!

NameChange30 · 13/05/2016 18:22

Fucking hell.

Good luck OP. I hope you can find the courage to follow our advice at some point.

CharlotteCollins · 13/05/2016 18:25

That sounds a good first goal.

Don't blame yourself for anything that has happened. You sound far from crazy, but it is very, very difficult to leave a man like this.

Give yourself a week or two to think it through. You are very sensible to pretend things are normal - that's your survival instinct!

Flanderspigeonmurderer · 13/05/2016 18:25

Hi, I haven't read the whole thread but I wanted to let you know you can have the copper coil fitted as a form of emergency contraception. It is very effective if fitted within the first five days (I think) post unprotected sex

FuriousFate · 13/05/2016 18:28

I don't know what others here would think about this but I'm almost tempted to suggest that OP calls the police to report the rape, meaning that she will then be given access to the MAP and so on.

PalmerViolet · 13/05/2016 18:28

What's "the fallout"?

Well, worst case scenario, she becomes one of the 2.5 women a week killed by their partner or ex, wouldn't you think? He's already raped her ffs.

Trying to bully a woman into doing something she feels unable to do means you're just doing exactly the same to her as her DH is doing. I know it's coming from a "good" place, but the OP has a plan that will work, hopefully without her H finding out and can gain breathing space to work out where to go from here.

A little kindness and compassion wouldn't go amiss here.

Fannycraddock79 · 13/05/2016 18:29

Not much advice from me other than what's been said but just wanted to let you know that you don't sound pathetic at all, far from it, you sound extremely strong and intelligent.

Unfortunately the way these men work is to start small and escalate and before you know it you're in a situation you never would have believed you'd be in.

DistanceCall · 13/05/2016 18:36

PalmerViolet The OP didn't mention that her husband had physically prevented her from leaving until after I asked what the fallout would be. Of course she shouldn't risk being harmed, and I think nobody is trying to bully her into doing something she doesn't feel able to do right now.

AugustaFinkNottle · 13/05/2016 18:37

As for saying I won't have sex with him again ha ha ha

OP, does this mean that if you said No he would force you to have sex? You do know that's rape, don't you?

I see that you have to get through the weekend, but please, first chance you have, phone Women's Aid.

BlueFolly · 13/05/2016 18:37

My goodness he sounds terrible OP!

mix56 · 13/05/2016 18:39

OK. what is he going to do ? You say I need to go & get something, & you go. if he asks you tell him the truth !!!! how about that ?
If he wants sex, YOU Refuse. !
Say "I am ovulating, I am NOT getting pregnant & if you are playing around with condoms, then its off limits. a for the record. If I get pregnant, I will NOT be having another baby. It is NOT your body. The answer is NO."

Let him strop, shout, sulk.
So What ?

DistanceCall · 13/05/2016 18:40

mix56, the OP has stated that her husband is capable of physical violence.

Legendofthephoenix · 13/05/2016 18:44

I'm shocked OPShock Get the map and then the copper coil.Flowers

DoinItFine · 13/05/2016 18:45

I think standing up.to him now is bad advice.

He sounds like a very dangerous man.

Far better to follow your instinct to keep things as normal as possible while you figure out how you get away safely.

I really hope you will ring Women's Aid on Monday when he does back to work.

This is one that needs expert help to get away from.

It's as bad as they come.

OTheHugeManatee · 13/05/2016 18:45

Jesus this just gets worse and worse.

TendonQueen · 13/05/2016 18:56

Folks, it just doesn't sound realistic for the OP to do, straight off the bat, the things people are telling her to do right now. It arguably puts her in greater danger. Next best plan is to work out how you can get a coil fitted Monday.

RaeSkywalker · 13/05/2016 18:57

Thinking of you MrsH. Please get the MAP tomorrow.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 13/05/2016 18:58

So What ?

You need to read Parmer's post from 18:28. If the OP's DH feels he is losing his control at her, that's when he's at his most dangerous.

Standing up to him at this point is not a great strategy. She needs to make sure she and the children are in a safer position first.

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