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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

1002 replies

MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 08:02

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 13/05/2016 17:33

What do you mean when you say 'As for saying I won't have sex with him again ha ha ha'?

bishboschone · 13/05/2016 17:35

Get a copper cool , I can't take the hormones but the copper coil doesn't have any .

MusicIsMedicine · 13/05/2016 17:35

Can you get an emergency GP appointment and get a taxi? Or just go to A&E.

What are you going to do when he next tries to have sex with you? What would happen if you said no?

I think you need to get the emergency contraception sorted right now, tonight, then call Women's Aid, then the Police and report what he has done to you.

LittleMissBossyBoots · 13/05/2016 17:37

I get the impression from your replies that you don't really see how far from normal his behaviour is OP. He's done such a number on you. I wish you all the strength and courage in the world and hope you escape this monster.

DistanceCall · 13/05/2016 17:39

Don't most people ask if they can go out?

Oh, love.

No, they don't. You announce you're going out. Or you check, if there is a need to coordinate or similar (as in "Just so you know, I'm popping out to get the paper, but I'll be back in five minutes and take X to the swimming class" or something like that). That sort of thing.

You don't ask for permission. You're a grownup.

DistanceCall · 13/05/2016 17:41

What would happen if you told him you don't want to have sex with him, OP?

NameChange30 · 13/05/2016 17:42

If you can go out tomorrow, why couldn't you go out today?

Don't you have a car? Couldn't you drive to the nearest pharmacy?

The MAP is more effective the sooner you take it.

I get the impression you're trying to carry on as normal. But what he did is so horrendously far from normal.

MagratsFlyawayHair · 13/05/2016 17:46

I have been a relationship with such a man doin. The point at which he sexually assaulted me is the point I chose to leave. And I did it quickly. Then he stalked me. But no. I've no idea.

I didn't have children which makes a huge difference. If my partner had never previously behaved like this, had never been violent and I considered him otherwise rational and had no fear I would refuse sex until he sorted his issues out.

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 17:47

I can't go out tonight. I have 2 children to look after. There's no way DH would let me go out without a very good reason.

It's not that easy to deal with all of this.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 13/05/2016 17:48

He's been at work today though, hasn't he? Why didn't you go to the pharmacy and take the children with you?

miaowli · 13/05/2016 17:49

I will ask dh if it's OK if I go out on a particular evening, just to make sure that it's not clashing with anything, and potentially leaving children home alone! He will do the same, if he has anything on. I don't regard that as permission seeking, though.

FurbysMakeSexNoises · 13/05/2016 17:50

Op. I'm a GP and the later you leave it the more likely you are to be pregnant.

Against your will.

I think you need a serious chat with him and to emphasise that by taking the children to a pharmacy to ensure if you have dominion over your own body is your absolute right.

Go out and ask for it at a pharmacy right now.

PalmerViolet · 13/05/2016 17:51

You are doing just fine MrsHW. Negotiating relationships like yours is even harder when you open your eyes to what's happening.

The MAP is just fine up to 72 hours after, there's no tearing hurry and it's better not to rock the boat too much right now, I suspect you're feeling quite raw and vulnerable just now as it is.

I wish you strength and guile right now.

There are women here who are living proof that it's possible to have a normal happy life after an abusive relationship and we'll all hold your hand while you do what you need to do.

readingrainbow · 13/05/2016 17:52

Is there anyone you can reach out to? Can someone collect it for you, before he gets home tonight? Perhaps someone here lives nearby, you never know.

MusicIsMedicine · 13/05/2016 17:54

Oh my God. This is horrifying.

Take the children with you, call a cab or put them in the car and go to a pharmacy.

You do not need to ask him if you can leave your home nor do you need to justify why.

AdoraBell · 13/05/2016 17:56

My DH and I speak To each other about going out To make sure the DCs are not left alone. Neither one of us is asking for permisión.

Well done getting the MAP organized. Do not show him the thread or tell him about the MAP.

AddToBasket · 13/05/2016 17:59

Go to the pharmacy. Take control - it will be hard but it will be better than not. You can do it Smile. We're with you.

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 18:00

We live in a very small community and if I asked someone it would get round within seconds.
I made good friends with one woman locally and once DH 'approved' it he became best friends with her DH, they are in constant contact. My friend and I had plans together today. If I'd cancelled DH would have found out and wondered why. I thought I'd be able to go later in the afternoon but I had to cook dinner and do a few jobs. I just couldn't get away without there being some kind of fallout.

I know this sounds insane written down, like how could I not realise what is happening? But he has a way of sounding so reasonable about everything. At our lowest point, when I tried to leave, I thought I was going crazy. He admitted that he'd been unfair and that he would change.

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 13/05/2016 18:03

He admitted that he'd been unfair and that he would change

He did that to stop you leaving.

It was just another ploy to keep you under his control.

DistanceCall · 13/05/2016 18:07

There's no way DH would let me go out without a very good reason

Are you listening to what you are saying, OP?

What do you mean he wouldn't let you go? What would he do? Would he prevent you physically from leaving? Would he take the car keys?

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 13/05/2016 18:09

But he has a way of sounding so reasonable about everything.

Well of course he does, frogs in boiling water and all that.

You've come to see this kind of behaviour as normal because he sounds so reasonable.

But it's not normal.

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 18:10

Yes. He would and has physically stopped me from leaving the house. He would take my keys and the car if it came to it. It's his car, under his name.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 13/05/2016 18:10

OP, really, this is an emergency if you don't want to have another child.

What's "the fallout"? Is that worse than the possibility of being pregnant again?

DistanceCall · 13/05/2016 18:11

Oh god, OP.

Can you call your friend?

Lweji · 13/05/2016 18:11

Strategically, though, you could use the same method.

Think what your goal is, define what the steps are, and make them sound reasonable.

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