DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

Nope.

Most say I'm popping out for a couple of hours. See you in a bit

Love you

They then either pipe up and say actually I'm busy today or see you later

I'd refuse to have sex with him again until the permanent contraception issue (sterilisation or vasectomy) was sorted to my 100% satisfaction after that little trick.

Would you now?

I don't think you have any idea what you would do if you were in a relationship with someone so controlling and domineering.

Ideal might be never having sex again.

Real is making sure that any sex that does happen won't result in a pregnancy.

We are talking to someone whose husband raped her last night. It's a bit weird to imagine that we are talking about a situation where her consent is needed.

Don't most people ask if they can go out?

No, they don't.

He's shown you your opinion is secondary to his needs.

To clarify, It is one thing to coordinate ones' planes with ones partner, quite another to ask permission.

Hi OP,

My DP is keen for us to have another child and is always conscious of when I'm ovulating. He knows I'm not keen on the idea of having another and so will always wear a condom but does push his luck. I don't think he'd ever go against my wishes though.

In regards to going out I sort of ask/suggest that I'm going out and that he'll need to look after the children. He never has a problem but often sulks slightly as he never goes out.

Don't most people ask if they can go out?

No!

When with controlling ex yes I used to have it get permission to go out.

With DP nope, I'll let him know I'm popping out of he's at home or is executing me home for a specific reason but otherwise no. Never had to ask or inform DP of my movements.

No, most people don't ask their spouse if they can go out.

DH and I will check that it's convenient that the other person have the kids, but the answer is only no if there is a clash of dates.

So sorry this is happening op . This is definitely a very controlling man

Couples I know, and couples I've been a part of don't ask permission - unless it's specific circumstances that would involve giving the other person a lot of work (usually involving wrangling very small children for an extended period). And even then it's more sort of "I want to go to this thing on Friday, are you ok to pick the kids up from swimming?" and less "Can I go swimming?"

Usually it's "I'm going to Claire's birthday party on Sunday" or "I'm going to pop to the gym when you get back from work" or "Are you in next Tuesday? Great, people from X are going for a drink."

OP, you need to get that MAP today or get a coil fitted asap. MAP is prescribed up to 72 hours after intercourse but it can fail, especially when delayed.

Please, please, get this sorted as a matter of urgency.

FoggyBottom, I do remember her. I said about her a couple of posts before yours.

I normally ask if my husband is OK to watch kids if I want to go out. He has a demanding job with unpredictable hours; we only have 1 car and there's no public transport where we are; plus childcare is a problem as our family live far away. I do ask him before I arrange something that will impact on his schedule because of our situation. But it's not asking 'permission' as such. I feel free to do my own thing although limited by circumstances.
I don't think that's exactly what you mean though, OP.
Glad you have a plan in place. You probably already know that MAP is less effective the longer you wait to take it, but a copper coil is effective up to 72 hours after unprotected sex. I would hate for you to delay your emergency contraception and be faced with a higher chance of unwanted pregnancy.
Even if you get the MAP yourself, please please please consider speaking to your GP.

I can't get it today. We live in quite an isolated place. Tomorrow afternoon will just have to do.

As for saying I won't have sex with him again ha ha ha

Sorry, that should be the coil is effective up to five days after intercourse.

I suppose with dh i will say "is it ok for me to go out on Friday?" But it's more like "is there any particular reason why I can't go out on Friday - have you got anything planned or is there something that the children are signed up to?"

He's never said no and nor have I - apart from when we've had a timetable clash, and then we'll try and organise outside childcare.

I worried that might be your answer, MrsHW :(

A few months back something similar happened to me. However I buried my head in sand pretended it didn't happen and did end up pregnant. My whole world was turned upside down over night and it took some time to realise that he was controlling me. I liken it to grief, I definitely went through the five stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

It would be so easy to just carry on and play happy families, yet it would've destroyed me inside to know he didn't love me the way I loved him as he had no respect for me and I couldn't trust him. I'm taking each day as it comes and I'm so much calmer and less anxious and able to see the full extent of his behaviour. I mourn the family I wanted but I'm free.

To add you may be feeling the calls to call women aid extreme, I know I did, but seriously you can call and ask for advice and they will listen and point you in the right direction for help.

And definitely read the books suggested they are great.

MrsHW, please be very careful.

The most dangerous time for women in your position is now, when you are waking up from the nightmarish fairy tale he has constructed around you all.

Your story is sadly not unusual. You are not mad.

Make sure none of the MAP packaging comes into the house, he knows exactly what he's done and I suspect he will check to see what you do about it.

I'd also check your phone and computer for keyloggers if he is technically minded.

No, most people don't need to ask permission to go out, unless they are children.

Take loads of care

Keep yourself safe while you consider your options.

There are, sadly, many people on here who have experience of what you are going through - absolutely NO reason to feel embarrassed.
Do NOT show his this thread and delete your history.
If you get to the point that you want plan your exit, there's lots of advice and hands to hold here.

Thinking of you, this is a horrible position to be in.

You have a lot to take in. Just for the record, as you asked a simple question, no, it would never occur to me, to ask permission of my DH to go out. We would coordinate our plans, but it is in the sense of letting each other know, not asking permission. I feel for you and hope you find the support you need.

There's a difference in asking 'permission' as a child would ask, and checking with your partner to see if there's a conflict with their plans. When I was younger I 'asked' DH to be sure there wouldn't be a problem with childcare. Once our children were old enough I told him my plans.

As far as sterilization goes, I had my tubes tied when I was 40. It was a breeze, done in an outpatient clinic and I was fine the next day. You do need to take it easy a few days though, so if I were you I'd arrange for someone else to transport you and to help you out. Given the circumstances I don't think you can count on him.

It's a very frightening situation. To have your right to control your own body so thoroughly disregarded is just chilling.

Oh my love, I'm so sorry to hear this story. The balance into this relationship is all wrong.

From his pursuit of you, targeting you, editing who he was and all the nonsense that's come since screams control. He may not have abused you until now, but this ejaculation against your wishes is a sexual and physical assault.

Abusers can be ale years to show themselves. Getting you pg is a way of keeping you too busy to have opinions, a say or your own life.

The wanting to know where you are? Controlling
Wanting to know your ovulation phase? Weird and controlling. It proves he has an interest in controlling your body.

Likewise, the medication.

HE HAS NO RIGHT TO MAKE THESE DECISIONS ABOUT YOU OR YOUR BODY

(((((Hug)))))

You have absolutely no need, no need whatsoever to feel humiliated. You are not drip feeding.

I get the 'asking permission', sort of, as both DH and I ask each others before we make firm plans, but this is courtesy and respect for one another, the reality is the answer is always yes.

Keep posting.

Take care. Cover your tracks. Stay safe. Everyone is here for you.