H asking my friend out for drink whilst I was on holiday

[Findmuck]

Just returned from holiday with friends. H doesn't like to go away due to work commitments and elderly parents.

I have an attractive, single, extremely funny friend who lives in the same village. Due to busy lives we only catch up for a drink about 3-4 times a year. My H sometimes bumps into her whilst at local shops etc. They spark off each other & make each other laugh. I know nothing has gone on but must admit I was slightly put out that she relayed stories he'd told her but not shared with me.

It was her birthday while I was away so I asked if he'd post a card through her door. He called with her card & he'd also bought her wine. She invited him in & he told me he gave her his number & invited her for a drink & watch football in pub the following week. She didn't call him. I'm left feeling a bit as we have been through a bad patch & he is supposed to be making an effort with me after 18 months of being preoccupied with work. I know he wouldn't like me going out with a male friend of his while he was away. I'm puzzled by his behaviour. I'm I being over sensitive ?

I think you would probably enhance the end of your mum's life if you get shut of this aging lothario before she dies, tbh

And you are using the disruption of pet's lives as an excuse also ? Bloody hell, op, that's some reaching you are doing there. All a pet needs is food and love.

At least be honest with yourself. You are turning a blind eye to your husband's tomcatting for the sake of a comfortable home and material possessions. Many women do. You won't be the first and you won't be the last.

springy what's with the shocked reaction ?

Findmuck - take your time and get everything sorted, the animals are important.
Some people lead sheltered lives... Living with a flirt who may overstep is a nightmare, you have my sympathy. It's soul destroying for most people. Your h was trying his arm /other body part, and your gut told you this. Hope you get what you need

I agree with a PO about getting your ducks in a line now, OP. Leaving someone, for some people, does take time and often a while to mentally prepare as well as sort out finances and practicalities, but your pets really will be ok with you when you move and I am sure they will be able to provide you with equal comfort that you give them.

*PP not PO

God, I nearly married a man like this. EXACTLY like this. Womanising sleazebag, and from what I see on FB he's still at it.

He doesn't respect you op.

Why aren't you telling him all of this?

Tread carefully op. I thought it was innocent when my exh became 'friends' with my best friend.I was very wrong.
Don't put yourself through it would be my advice...

Agree you may be giving your mum a treat in her last days. She may be worried that history is repeating itself and you're stuck with a deadbeat.

Shocked AF because it looked you were saying you're never wrong. And that would be an embarrassing thing to say.

My father's love life in his seventies was legendary (and respectful). I am still bumping into his ex girlfriends who were all of the same age group as him and have grandchildren in tow.

There is no reason why you should rush into anything, but you can have a really good time regardless of age. My suggestion is to take your time, work it out inside yourself and see how things go.

I think it's going to be tough to keep your friendship.

Thanks all for your replys, certainly food for thought. Re my mum, she knows what he's like and doesn't condone his behaviour but thinks I should stick with it. She likes him and can see how much I love my life and generally how happy I am most of the time. She struggled when she divorced my father in her 50s & she doesn't want me to struggle like her. Without going into detail my job is only possible because of where I live. My job brings me much happiness and I'm loathe to give that up. My H is pleasant company and easy to live with (and I hardly see him) if this changes then I would leave.

Going out with my friend next week. We have been texting to arrange drink & nothing so far has been mentioned.

Then you need to start working hard on emotionally divorcing him. In essence, start to think like a single person. I'm not talking about sex or affairs, I'm talking about having the mindset that you no longer need to consider him in your decisions. Do what makes YOU happy.

Thanks Across the pond that's exactly what I'm aiming for although I'm not there yet otherwise I wouldn't have got blindsided my his recent escapade.

I have no desire for an affair. I like men and chatted in a plutonic way to a few on holiday, as I did women but that's as far as it went. If this marriage doesn't last I don't want it to be through my infidelity as I want the respect of my children, my family and H's family.

It's not easy to kill those emotions, but it can be done. I think it's just a matter of remembering all the shitty things he's done and the ways he's humiliated you with his behaviour. That even the 'nice him' doesn't mean shit, because he doesn't, in his heart, respect or love you. If he did he wouldn't be such a ridiculous 'philanderer'.

He's really an object of pity, isn't he? Sitting up and begging for attention from every female he comes across like some hyperactive little poodle. Chasing after them whilst the majority of them look at him with scorn. Ugh!

*platonic grrr

Thanks Across the pond yep I think you've got the measure of it. I think he's finding middle age difficult to adjust to. I love being in my 50s as I've always been this age in my head. I love having fun but don't need to be flattered by the opposite sex ( although there's nothing wrong with that) love my family,friends and pets

Your friendship with the woman sounds worth salvaging, you've a good'un there. Your marriage, on the other hand...

fundmuck You say your Mum struggled when she divorced your Dad.. Has she said why she struggled? Was she lonely? I think your mum's opinions are clouding your judgement.

Oh, do I know what you mean! One's 50s are wonderful. A time of realization and freedom. Your kids are (for the most part) grown and you can begin to consider what you want without thinking of what they need. A time of realizing that you are 'a little bit wise' and that your judgement is sound. It's that you know what you want, how to get it, and that it's OK to have it!

I think a 'worm is turning' in society. It used to be that men took their 50s in their stride and we freaked out (losing my looks! the 'change'! the empty nest!!). Now I think we women find all that liberating and freeing, and men find it, I don't know, threatening? Maybe not threatening, but I know the empty nest affected DH more than me. I was pretty satisfied to see my sons fly the nest (although one of them is back now) because I felt i meant that I'd done a good job. DH on the other hand, although he enjoyed the freedom of having the house to ourselves, was much more upset than I was.

I think we've learnt not to put our value in our physical appearance nor in our roles as wife and/or mother. We know now that we're people first.

Rock on, Mindfuck, rock on!!!

Innaproriate - Wine, Attractive woman, given her his number!
If I was on my own and wanted to watch some football down the pub I'd ask my mates not a friend of my other half.

I think you absolutely have to go with your gut, on this. Only you know your H. We don't.

If my first H had done this, categorically I know that he would have been chancing his arm, hoping to get invited in, that the wine lead to more wine, and that that would lead to sex. He had form for this type of thing.

If my current DH did the same, I know beyond doubt, that it would be innocent. Perhaps the friend said she was bored - and out of some sense of duty, he would have said "come to the pub on Saturday and watch the footy"

It has taken me many years, to get over the betrayals of H no 1. Poor DH has ridden it out with me, and shown me over the years, that some men don't ever cheat. I've snooped on his phone, devices, laptop (early days), and never, ever found anything of concern. Terrible I know, but I was wounded and in self protection mode. Anyway, that was many moons ago!

Anyway, point is, what type of man is he? Only you know.

I can totally see why you aren't keen to lose your home, upset your job situation etc, more so, because you only see your H at the weekend anyway. I would suggest throwing yourself in to activities and building a life for yourself that doesn't include him. If you do split up, only you will know when the time is right. Nobody can rush you in to that. One day something may just click.

I would be very interested to hear your friends take on the situation. Extracting that may be easier said than done. She'll want to minimise it, for your sake, she won't want to hurt you. I think I'd be tempted (with H no 1), to get a few wines under my (and her) belt, and tell her you're having doubts about H, and ask her to please be honest with you about how it played out.

Last but not least - he works and sleeps away Mon-Fri? Have you any clue what goes on in that part of his life? That's a cheaters dream scenario, surely? Not saying that he is cheating, but the opportunity is there.

You don't say if you are still intimate with him?

Some great posts on here thanks for your support as I felt like I was being overly suspicious and needy. Half the time I think it was just off the cuff invitation as he's very friendly and they do have banter over football.....the other half I feel betrayed by him for asking her to our favourite pub.

My suspicion is probably heightened as our marriage has been on shaky ground for almost two years as H has been depressed and distant. His behaviour was very strange during this time and I couldn't fathom it. As a result of his low mood we have struggled with intimacy. Recently however his mood has improved and we were getting back on track.

Seeing my friend this week so I'll see what transpires.

Across the pond I'm rockin' [grins]

I'll get the hang of this one day

Not to rub salt in your wounds OP, but I've rtft and just wanted to gently point out that the reason he doesn't want to go on holiday with you is probably so that he can try and pick up other women. He's told you this time, because he unwisely tried it with your friend and then worried that she would tell you first. In your place I'd be wondering what has gone on during all the other holidays he hasn't wanted to join.

Stop treating his behaviour like isolated incidents, instead of the well rehearsed pattern of entitled ego trips they are. The price of being married to this man, is knowing there will always be a next time where you'll have to state the bleeding obvious to someone who clearly doesn't give a shit.

There are no medals for being someone's doormat.

His behaviour towards women sounds quite creepy and sleazy. I bet he has a bit of a reputation for it at work and there will be sniggers and raised eyebrows behind his back. I'd be embarrassed of and for him.

It's really up to you to decide if the things you love about your life are worth putting up with this kind of crap for.

I'd probably tell him straight that you expect him to cut out the desperate sleazy behaviour.