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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H asking my friend out for drink whilst I was on holiday

149 replies

Findmuck · 11/05/2016 20:23

Just returned from holiday with friends. H doesn't like to go away due to work commitments and elderly parents.

I have an attractive, single, extremely funny friend who lives in the same village. Due to busy lives we only catch up for a drink about 3-4 times a year. My H sometimes bumps into her whilst at local shops etc. They spark off each other & make each other laugh. I know nothing has gone on but must admit I was slightly put out that she relayed stories he'd told her but not shared with me.

It was her birthday while I was away so I asked if he'd post a card through her door. He called with her card & he'd also bought her wine. She invited him in & he told me he gave her his number & invited her for a drink & watch football in pub the following week. She didn't call him. I'm left feeling a bit as we have been through a bad patch & he is supposed to be making an effort with me after 18 months of being preoccupied with work. I know he wouldn't like me going out with a male friend of his while he was away. I'm puzzled by his behaviour. I'm I being over sensitive ?

OP posts:

springydaffs · 11/05/2016 20:56

He neglected you with work, he hits on your friends while you're away. What's next? There will be a next. His actions spell out: he doesn't value what he has.

I really would let this one go.

Bogeyface · 11/05/2016 20:57

I know I can be over sensitive

Who says this? You or him?

AnyFucker · 11/05/2016 20:57

Sorry, you mentioned he had been neglecting your marriage but detailed no "dodgy behaviour". I am mistakenly conflating with another thread.

Out of interest though, what form has "neglecting your marriage" taken ?

AnyFucker · 11/05/2016 20:59

Cross posted.

Yes, he sounds like a net caster. One of these times he hopes he will catch a fish. Whether he actually succeeds or not is actually beside the point.

RosaRosaRose · 11/05/2016 21:00

Cross post, sorry. You are introverted, you say. Fair enough. That doesn't sound like a misery. Be kinder to youself !

Mlb123 · 11/05/2016 21:03

Yes, Af is spot on, he will probably leave this friend alone now as he didn't get anywhere and the op is already aware and on her guard about the husbands suspected intentions towards the friend so will no doubt find someone else to flirt with and see if they will respond to his not so subtle advances that will be subtle enough on their own to be passed off as innocent if they don't go for it, the devious man.

Sadly I have encountered this particular breed of loser many a time, can't you tell lol. Though of course they have always made me out to be some kind of jealous psycho when I have questioned them on questionable behaviours.

Original poster

Findmuck · 11/05/2016 21:10

Found dating website card in wallet ten years ago. My dad was dying so after massive row and "I was just looking" I put it to the background (wrong I know)

Refusing to go away for weekend/holiday for eight years

Years of hardly ever going out for meal/drink as he was working such long hours/preoccupation with work

18 months of hell when he became depressed about work. With medication & support he seems much better but it took its toll on our relationship

Totally unaffectionate, didn't look at me, let alone hug/kiss me when I arrived home (my friends were parked up outside our house & I was by his behaviour

Over attachment to female colleagues in last job (he has just left) gifts, texting while we were out on a Friday night.

I have plenty of faults, I'm not perfect by any means but I find his behaviour odd

OP posts:

HelsBels3000 · 11/05/2016 21:12

My DH says 'so its not ok for a man to have a female friend because she's funny/attractive etc?'
Just a man's perspective on this.
FWIW I definitely think its suspicious!!!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 11/05/2016 21:13

Did someone say cliche?
When the cat is away, the mice will play.

Sorry, Mlb 123 but your h might be an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of shit person. He sounds rather unapologetic about it too.

2ManySweets · 11/05/2016 21:15

Sorry, but he sounds like a classic "selfish wanker"

Also: do you really need anymore signs that fidelity isn't his strong point?

DinosaursRoar · 11/05/2016 21:17

If you having to 'pull him up on things' over and over, then it's clear there's a problem.

The problem could be your boundaries are too strict - that you are very possessive and controlling, but from the things you've said here, they don't sound like minor issues you are complaining about, and are ones that most woman would find unacceptable for their partner to do. (the showing special attention to a female colleague also sounds like behaviour from the early stages of a relationship).

Alternatively - and more likely - it could be his boundaries are too lax - he doesn't accept that being married means he has to stop all "romantic relationship building" behaviour - that he should be allowed to flirt and try to pull as many woman as he wants, it's only unacceptable if he actually sleeps with/snogs another woman, all the flirting and 'sounding out interest' behaviour is ok as long as he doesn't 'follow through' with that - but most couples stop trying to see if they can pull others when in a committed relationship.

You've spoken to him before and he doesn't feel his behaviour is wrong, so he doesn't see that he is cheating prior to a snog/shag.

You either 'put up' and change the point when you find his behaviour unacceptable, or you find a way to force him to change his behaviour - which he's likely to find 'controlling' as he doesn't agree this is normal for most relationships - or you end it and both accept you need to be in relationships with people who's boundary points are similar to your own.

FuzzyOwl · 11/05/2016 21:17

Findmuck, I mean this nicely but why are you with him? I know some people would rather be in an unhappy relationship than be single, which I cannot get my head round but each to their own; however, unless he has some massive redeeming features or you don't want to break up with him, do you really not think you would be happier and better off without him? Good relationships are not how you are describing your situation.

Oakmaiden · 11/05/2016 21:18

My DH says 'so its not ok for a man to have a female friend because she's funny/attractive etc?'

Nah, it's fine for a man to have a female friend who is funny/attractive. What is less fine is suddenly and uncharacteristically trying to socialise with your partner's attractive/funny friend when your partner is away, when you are not really accustomed to socialising with that friend either with or without your partner...

CocktailQueen · 11/05/2016 21:19

Wow, that's quite a list, op. Why are you with him (in the nicest possible way)? What good traits does he have? What do you have in common?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 11/05/2016 21:19

x post
Sorry but the jist of what I'm getting from your h's "dodgy behavior" post is that he doesn't love you. He has already emotionally checked out of the relationship. That is all down to him and has nothing at all to do with your 'faults'.

FuzzyOwl · 11/05/2016 21:19

^ What Oakmaiden says.

CocktailQueen · 11/05/2016 21:20

X-post, FuzzyOwl!

HelsBels3000 · 11/05/2016 21:20

Agreed Oak and the next update from the OP definitely paints him in a less than favourable light.
Indeed, why are you still with him OP?
Is he really rich? Does he buy you nice shoes and handbags? hitting too close to home here

AnyFucker · 11/05/2016 21:21

"odd" ?

The man is a complete sleaze. Ugh

AnyFucker · 11/05/2016 21:22

And i withdraw my apology. Your drip feeding tells us the measure of the man.

You are a fool to stick around after his latest attempt to get his dick wet outside of your marriage.

DinosaursRoar · 11/05/2016 21:24

HelsBels - given everything else the OP says, it doesn't sound like he was trying to have another friend who'll he'll view as the same as his male friends, but he was trying to start a romantic relationship - if he would actually follow through and have an affair is a different matter, it could be 'the joy of the chase' is enough, knowing that another woman wants him, and then he gets to be the great guy who had the chance but didn't do anything about it, even though he'd created the situation in the first place...

AnyFucker · 11/05/2016 21:26

I don't consider the behaviour detailed here to be "didn't do anything about it"

Original poster

Findmuck · 11/05/2016 21:27

We have been out with the friend for a meal just once a couple of years ago. She's very good company and so is he when on form.

Why am I with him?
He's funny, kind and generous
He supported me through thick and thin when my children were difficult teenagers. Not many people could have hacked that as they were
I enjoy his company most of the time
He's a grafter and generally very reliable and patient
I really like and love him
I'm just not liking the way he behaves at times. His dad was a terrible flirt/womaniser and the apple obviously doesn't fall far from the tree

OP posts:

Petal40 · 11/05/2016 21:27

Would have a hissy fit if my husband did that....he's covering his tracks by telling you,before she does..in fact my husband just looked over and read the post and said,well dodgy

PeppermintPasty · 11/05/2016 21:28

He sounds self absorbed and entitled. If he's not making you utterly miserable now, he will be soon.

What do you want to do?

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