H asking my friend out for drink whilst I was on holiday

[Findmuck]

Just returned from holiday with friends. H doesn't like to go away due to work commitments and elderly parents.

I have an attractive, single, extremely funny friend who lives in the same village. Due to busy lives we only catch up for a drink about 3-4 times a year. My H sometimes bumps into her whilst at local shops etc. They spark off each other & make each other laugh. I know nothing has gone on but must admit I was slightly put out that she relayed stories he'd told her but not shared with me.

It was her birthday while I was away so I asked if he'd post a card through her door. He called with her card & he'd also bought her wine. She invited him in & he told me he gave her his number & invited her for a drink & watch football in pub the following week. She didn't call him. I'm left feeling a bit as we have been through a bad patch & he is supposed to be making an effort with me after 18 months of being preoccupied with work. I know he wouldn't like me going out with a male friend of his while he was away. I'm puzzled by his behaviour. I'm I being over sensitive ?

I don't admire MIL I'm amazed she didn't kill him! - do you think others are saying the same about you?

People are surprised that otherwise strong and independent woman don't do something about being treated badly by their DP/H.

The more you write about him, the less appealing he's sounding.

Whatever the reason for his behavior, he doesn't have any respect for you at all. Leaving gifts for female work colleagues and texting them? Carrying a card for a dating website?? And now he has approached and expressed an interest in a friend of yours.

You say you stay because you love him but relationships need more than love. You need commitment and trust, and frankly it's only one-sided.
You say you go on holiday often without him, so you have some time (independence) away from him. I hope you can see a way out

If my friend was on holiday and her husband rocked up with wine and an invite out for a drink I'd be beyond sleazed out.

Tbh you don't sound happy with him anyway.

Wouldn't trust that one as far as I could throw it.

I may be wrong, but did you have an earlier thread about a young female co-worker, a work 'do', and him blatantly flirting with her, touching her, and pretty much ignoring you? Was that you?

If so, you know you need to dump him. If that wasn't you, well, you need to dump yours too.

Life's too short to be with someone you can't trust.

Also I think he told you his version of the invite to get it in first.

Be interesting to see what she says.

I stay because......I'm in my 50s, I've known him and his family since I was 5. His family are absolutely lovely and so is he apart from this trait. I just don't know if I can tolerate it.
He was very good looking when he was younger but he's not now. I suspect he wants admiration he had when he was young ( don't we all!!) He still gets this admiration with his humour & "going the extra mile" in work. He feels secure with me as I'm not a flirt, I'm a shy introvert. I'm not ashamed of being a quiet person, I'm just saying it as it is. I really need to think about this

But you're turning a blind eye...

You do realise, don't you, that you are also effectively turning a blind eye to his behaviour and enabling him to carry on.

I completely agree that he only told you that he suggested a drink and meeting up with your friend because he wanted to get his story in first of all. Sadly your friendship with this woman probably is over now but I would contact her and ask for her version of events.

I am sorry you are going through this but it really sounds like you don't need him or get anything from being with him. Sometimes relationships run their course and just because he was supportive and a good partner years ago, doesn't alter the fact that people change and relationships sometimes stop working.

I am in my 50's and would have to have a very hard word with myself about being such a doormat.

Age is no excuse.

I can see where he's learned his attitude towards women. He watched his father treat his mother like shit and hey presto.

and his mother was a "strong and formidable woman" who tolerated it

Everything you've said is about you feeling lucky that he's with you. He's treating you like crap and you're just nodding and saying it's okay.

IT'S NOT OKAY.

I'm also in my 50s and I'd rather be single that put up with this kind of disrespectful behaviour. You deserve much, much better

Thank you all for your comments and your honesty. I really need to think about this. I won't be rushing or making any rash decisions but as one incident follows another I need to question my future.

It's so easy to just drift.....my daughter is so happy and settled living with us. I love my house and my pets. I love my H and I only see him at weekends so I'm able to just get on with my own life as I have great friends and work part time doing something I really enjoy. I suppose I'm comfortable and maybe I should shut up and put up.

I needed an impartial view on "asking my friend for a drink while I'm on holiday". You've given me your opinions which is a relief ....I'm not going mad. Need to get myself off my apathetic backside and reasses how I'm going to live the rest of my life (sorry sounds overly dramatic)
Thanks all

He pays more attention to random women than he does to you.

Bottles of wine, special gifts, invites out for cosy chats. Yet you are working on your marriage because he's ignored you for ages and shown you no affection.

Why are you OK with being second best? Or third, fifth best, by the sounds of it.

I would be totally dumbfounded and squicked out if a friend's partner came to my house wanting wine and a chat, just the two of us. And I've known some of them my whole life, would have a drink with them if I ran into them in the pub etc

The fact he has only done this now, when you are out of the country makes it blatantly obvious what his intentions are imo.

You are not being dramatic enough IMO

You sound medicated.

By the way.....I have never thought about him learning from his mother and father. So blatantly obvious but I missed it

It doesn't sound overly dramatic, bless you! It sounds quite hopeful. Keep going!

I'm not medicated but I'm unable to lose my temper learnt from years of trying to comply with domineering/abusive father. I think that's why I had unruly teens as I'm rubbish at setting boundaries. Think I'm a lost cause grrrr! Anyway I'm off for bath and bed now & serious thinking tomorrow.
Thanks MN I owe you

This is the worst type of cheater. Wants to have a woman on the side but would prefer it to be a mate of his wife's so that the wife gets screwed over twice - once by the sleazebag husband rubbing her face in it and once by having her support system removed.

Just awful. Still, you're in your 50s so you can't expect any better. You should be grateful that he hasn't left you really.

Can I make a couple of reading suggestions - please take a look at 'A women in your own right' and 'He's just not that into you' you say he's lovely - but he isn't - he's an arse attempting to live the single life and you are turning a blind eye because you love him.

There's an old saying saying along the lines of if you love someone let them go, if they come back and it's meant to be it will happen.

I think that sooner or later someone else who isn't as sensible as your friend will take him up on his offer and he will cheat, so you can either: Prepare to be cheated on, OR ditch him now and hopefully meet someone who will treat you far better, OR you can start stamping down on his behaviour - there is no more working away mon-fri, no more holidays apart.

Have you just posted the 'lowlights', Findmuck? The bare minimum that you can stomach posting about and hearing opinions on?

I feel so sorry for you that you say you stay with him because you're in your 50s. So what? Do you really value this sleazy man for a husband, think that because you have a ring on your finger that this means a thing? It means nothing - not to him.

People at your husband's work are laughing at him. At his ridiculous behaviour. The 'We love Mr Find' is a parody, they probably enjoy watching him zoom in and bask in the fake attention. What must they think of you?

Your self-esteem must be absolutely on the floor to let him get away with treating your friend this way. She deserves better - from YOU. Stand up for her and tell him where to get off. How dare he do this to you - and her?

If you don't take control of this then you will absolutely replicate your MIL and, whilst you might aspire to be her because you realise that actually, you have little choice in your current mindset - watching him carry on like this and realising that you could have had it differently in your 50s will destroy what self-esteem you have left. Being pitied is not a nice thing, Find, it really isn't. You can do better, don't let your daughter watch you behaving like this, it's awful.

I'm sorry for the harsh words, I read your OP and this was my gut reaction. It looks like I'm not on my own. I hope you'll take some time to reassess your husband's behaviour and accord it the seriousness that it warrants for your own sake - and your daughter's.