H asking my friend out for drink whilst I was on holiday

[Findmuck]

Just returned from holiday with friends. H doesn't like to go away due to work commitments and elderly parents.

I have an attractive, single, extremely funny friend who lives in the same village. Due to busy lives we only catch up for a drink about 3-4 times a year. My H sometimes bumps into her whilst at local shops etc. They spark off each other & make each other laugh. I know nothing has gone on but must admit I was slightly put out that she relayed stories he'd told her but not shared with me.

It was her birthday while I was away so I asked if he'd post a card through her door. He called with her card & he'd also bought her wine. She invited him in & he told me he gave her his number & invited her for a drink & watch football in pub the following week. She didn't call him. I'm left feeling a bit as we have been through a bad patch & he is supposed to be making an effort with me after 18 months of being preoccupied with work. I know he wouldn't like me going out with a male friend of his while he was away. I'm puzzled by his behaviour. I'm I being over sensitive ?

Anyfucker
the way I interpreted the situation is it was an isolated incident and should be dealt with as one.
You wouldn't suggest to LTB after nothing happened between OPs DH and the friend,would you?
Obviously OP later on gave more information and story looks different now.
If not trying to advise OP loose her sleep over something that not happened is manpleasing I'm gobsmacked.
Better not to work yourself over a small issue then overthink it I'd think

You 'owe' nothing except to live a good life. I left at 58 with nothing but a small bag of clothes and not even two years later, have rebuilt my life and am employed, housed and so happy. My daughters are relieved, proud and delighted. This path is an option for you. A leap of faith in yourself is all you need. Courage to change.

Not much help, but I'd be absolutely fuming if my DP did this..and not sure if I could quite come to terms with it..certainly overstepped the mark..

Op, you sound lovely. Your children have been lucky to have you and your dh is astoundingly lucky. But now, after this especially, isn't it time to think what you want? Not what suits your dh or your dc but you!

Disclaimer. Only read your posts, not the whole thread. But it sounds like you are a great wife, mum and friend. But what about you?

for rosaRosa.
Good for you.

princess what you and apologists like you fail to understand is that behaviour like in the op is rarely in isolation

threads like this almost invariably start with an op tentatively explaining one shitty situation and then out it all comes, the whole horrible lot of it

So what you are saying AF is that no matter what the Op posts about, you respond with some derivative of LTB because in your mind most posts head that way anyway A sort of preemptive strike.

What if one day someone takes up his offer and he ends up leaving you?

DrM, have you seen me be wrong ?

Don't answer that. It was a stupid question. We are poles apart on stuff like this. That's fine by me.

AF it was just an observation , as I thought your response was funny.

I have no real comment on this thread. FWIW IMHO the DH had "malice a forethought" when he bought the wine. I could almost understand asking someone for a drink if it was a spur of the moment thing. But going to a shop and selecting a bottle of wine is a premeditated act of war.

Fuck him.
You're friend is a million times more loyal to you and has far more respect for you than than your own husband.
He probably wouldn't have told you if she was up for the drink but only told you because he knew she would tell you after turning his offer down.
I would be mad about him putting your friend in that position too, if one of my mates boyfriends asked me out for a drink whilst they were away I would be really angry

I've been walking the dogs all morning just thinking. I feel humiliated and sad.

It must be hard to face up to. Must be easier to take your MIL's route of just ignoring it and hoping he'll change into the life partner you want. Its unfair that he's behaving in a way that's forcing you to consider changing your life when you don't want to.

But ignoring i t won't make him change.

There is no reason for you to feel humiliated. Sad, ok, that's fine. But you have no reason to feel humiliated! HE should feel humiliated, he's the one whose behaviour has been shit!

And you aren't a 'lost cause'. You know you deserve more than you are getting. But you're never going to get more whilst you're involved with him.

Break free.

DrM, have you seen me be wrong ?

What on earth do you mean by that AF?

I think you need a conversation with your dh. And maybe counselling at least.

There are some posters who will always scream ltb which is sometimes a little polarising and unhelpful in RL which is always more nuanced and grey than a few paragraphs posted on here and their responses. I think the above spat shows there's more going on than your situation (runs for cover)

I think you need to make contact with your friend. This may be the catalyst for a good chat with her about you and dh's relationship. a RL chat may be really helpful.

I think you sound lovely OP and you deserve to be happy.

Despite a list of his good points, the game changer - the flirty/womaniser crap he learned from his father - surely outweighs any good things because you'll always have to be on the lookout as he tries to get off with your friends, women you don't know anything in a skirt

Sadly you're probably experiencing a sunk-cost fallacy moment. IOW, you're so invested in the good he's done in the past, you are finding it hard to kick him into touch when he is doing his womanising.

You deserve better.

i just don't buy into the lame excuse that the DH was "lonely"

Diddums.

Stay at home and be lonely, big deal. Go for a beer and glass of vino with a mate, don't start stiffing round your DWs attractive female friend. It isn't the behaviour of someone who values their relationship, especially when it's currently not as good as it could be.

Jeezo, if that's what he does with a friend can you imagine a stranger - can't get my head round it at all, zero respect for himself or you, time to get rid OP, no coming back from this - it's as bad as it looks.

It seems "lonely" might be a euphemism for "wanted a shag and headed for the nearest potential option", daisy.

Findmuck - it's clear you don't trust your H (with good reason based on what you've cited as examples over the course of your relationship), and that to me says it all. There is no relationship without trust, because trust is at the root of all successful relationships - fidelity is only a small part of it, it's trust that this person you have thrown your lot in with can be trusted to have your back when the chips are down, and to not expose you to unnecessary risk because of their own selfishness.

That said, you won't be the first person - or the last - to decide that they value their lifestyle more than they want their partner to be loving/trustworthy/reliable. If you're in a situation where your partner has way more to lose than you, it's possible to argue it's a valid choice (although personally I can't imagine anything worse and think that most people would find it enormously damaging to their self esteem). However, the real question is how secure are you in the knowledge that if you don't make a fuss, your H won't end up developing a full-blown affair and leave you for an OW while in the throes of infatuation? And where are you then?

Thanks pounding, you make some good points. I think it's a possibility he might become infatuated by someone in the future.... I hope not but I am not delusional. This sounds like a pathetic excuse but I have an ill, elderly mother who would devastated if I did something drastic at the moment. I also have an elderly, ill dog who I'm totally besotted and a old cat who isn't going to last very long. I would hate to disrupt their last few months.
Thank you for all your advice and I hear what you're saying. I won't be ltb just yet but I'm biding my time, thinking & getting my sh** together. My mum put up with loads of similar behaviour from my dad. She suddenly could take no more & left in her late 50s. My dad was remarried to a woman younger than me within a year....

Being as your mother left your dad for the same thing, I don't think it would upset her very much if you did the same, even if she is ill. Unless she lives with you and you'll have to move her from her regular surroundings. The dog and cat, well, I understand how you feel.

Just begin to mentally separate yourself. You can live 'mentally separated' but in the same house if you aren't ready to tell him. Seek legal advice now and get your ducks in a row.

I have rtft and I only have one thing to add OP. You say you are in your 50's as if it means you're past your peak and nobody would want a relationship with you due to this age. My dad (who was a bit of a bastard) died when my mum was 50. She was alone for a few years, but got remarried when she was 67 and is living the absolute life of riley with a man who she finally deserves who absolutely adores her. Your life is not over if you leave this sleazebag loser. It will be a new chapter for you.