H asking my friend out for drink whilst I was on holiday

[Findmuck]

Just returned from holiday with friends. H doesn't like to go away due to work commitments and elderly parents.

I have an attractive, single, extremely funny friend who lives in the same village. Due to busy lives we only catch up for a drink about 3-4 times a year. My H sometimes bumps into her whilst at local shops etc. They spark off each other & make each other laugh. I know nothing has gone on but must admit I was slightly put out that she relayed stories he'd told her but not shared with me.

It was her birthday while I was away so I asked if he'd post a card through her door. He called with her card & he'd also bought her wine. She invited him in & he told me he gave her his number & invited her for a drink & watch football in pub the following week. She didn't call him. I'm left feeling a bit as we have been through a bad patch & he is supposed to be making an effort with me after 18 months of being preoccupied with work. I know he wouldn't like me going out with a male friend of his while he was away. I'm puzzled by his behaviour. I'm I being over sensitive ?

I agree with AF

My first reaction was that I couldn't see the problem with him seeing your friend whilst you were away.
However, seen yur past post, where hasn't made any efforts at all within the relationship for years but is somehow all for it with your friend is just not on.

I think he has checked out but doesn't have the balls to tell you. Sorry :(

Sorry I didn't mean to drip feed

Sorry OP, another thing that's just struck me, do you only know all of this because he told you? Or did she tell you? (from the way you've worded it, it doesn't sound like you've talked to her, so am assuming it came from him directly).

Is he trying to punish you for going away, keep you unsettled that if you go away again, he might take the opportunity to cheat and it'll be "all your own fault" for going, knowing "what he's like"?

Threatening to cheat is another way to control your behaviour.

Do you have DCs?

If you don't or rather can't trust him then I'm afraid your list of his "good points" is somewhat meaningless.

You realise he has just lost you a friend by his behaviour ? She will never feel comfortable around either of you again. And she will pity you.

Was his mother an object of pity and gossip as a result of his womanising father's behaviour ? Why do you seem to be so resigned to the same outcome for yourself ?

He fancies her. It's inappropriate for him to act on it. And he did, with the wine, giving her his number and the offer of drinks & watching football. Ffs, as if that makes it okay
IMO men don't approach women they don't find attractive.
No, you are not being overly sensitive. Sounds like you have made too many excuses for his past behavior though. He's not making an effort with your relationship. Sorry
Go with your gut here.
Have you spoken to your friend since your return?

oh just seen your comment about your teens, assuming they aren't his?

You aren't compatable, even if he isn't actively "cheating" (although I'd treat the "trying to start a romantic relationship" behaviour as cheating, many people would only see a kiss or sex as cheating, not the emotional side).

I haven't spoken to my friend. He told me he'd asked her to go for a drink. We have no children together. He really doesn't mind me going away with friends. I've been going away with the same group for 6 years

His mother turned a blind eye. I don't know how she did it, she was a force to contend with, a very strong personality, I knew her when I was a child .They are still alive and happy together

I feel awkward now contacting my friend. It's a shame because I know she has done nothing wrong but she'll feel embarrassed

He sounds awful and like he has zero respect or interest in his own wife. I too wonder why on earth you are still with him. The dating site card would have done it for me. No reason on this earth why a married man needs that unless he is planning to date. I have to say I wouldn't be at all surprised if he has cheated at some point.

Why on earth will he not go on holiday with you! Sounds like he checked out years ago.

So yes, he has ruined your friendship

Is that ok with you ?

So why do you think he told you?

Get his version of events in first so that you 'already know' and don't hear a worse version from her/others?

Unsettle you into thinking you might lose him if you don't give him more attention?

To make it clear to you that this is the way he intends to act and you have to just accept it?

To try to push you into ending a relationship he's had enough of but doesn't have the guts to be the 'bad guy' and end it? ("she dumped me for having a drink with a female friend, nothing happened!")

Some other reason?

I don't think it will ruin it. She's lovely and we've been friends for many years. I think we might feel awkward initially and then we will be back to normal. It's not her problem

Ask yourself why he's telling you this.

He wanted you to know his version before she got the chance to tell you hers.

Rude I know, but just jumped to last page because this strikes chords with me. Don't mean to sound harsh but I suspect he has been up front and told you before your friend tells you. From bitter and twisted personal experience I would consider that totally inappropriate behaviour . Get in touch with your friend, thank her for her loyalty, I suspect you may need your friends around you. And hope I am wrong x

OP, you make it sound like your admire your MIL for sticking out the long run with an unfaithful husband, Is that what you aspire to...waiting it out until the sap stops rising with age ?

Well it will be interesting to hear your friend's version of events...

I have no idea why he did this but my gut feeling is to make me feel insecure . He keeps "innocently" saying things. The last thing a couple of weeks ago was that his female work colleagues wrote " we love Mr Findmuck" on the work notice board and another male college angrily rubbed it off

I don't admire MIL I'm amazed she didn't kill him!

So, let's look at this

You don't have dc with him. You have good friends and a social life. You don't have dependent children so could support yourself.

he is a complete twat that you acknowledge plays mind games and makes a fool of you repeatedly

tell us again why you stay

Yes you do admire MIl. You aspire to her life. Fondly watching your 70 yo husband trying his best to attract the ladeez and hoping one day he will stop.

*MIL

Sorry but the jist of what I'm getting from your h's "dodgy behavior" post is that he doesn't love you. He has already emotionally checked out of the relationship. That is all down to him and has nothing at all to do with your 'faults'.

I'm sorry, too. I agree.

On the face of it, there's nothing to see here. I've often been out with friends' DHs. But this was completely normal in the general context of the friendships - what's just happened with you is out of context, unusual, and set against a backdrop of unreliable & untrustworthy behaviour.

He's succeeding in making you feel insecure, isn't he?

First of all, I'd go out with your mate (or round with a bottle of wine.) Something along the lines of "He's such a twat, that must have been embarrassing!" might be the way to clear the air.