I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

No, don't think it is a myth but may be wrong.

But as we all know much depends on her individual fertility which is unknown. Could be wildly fertile for a while or already have missed her chance completely.

I think you have both been very sensible. Some of the posts on here are very harsh.

If she leaves you I can't imagine many men wanting a baby in 9 mths time. But we all know accidents happen - how many times have I read this on MN!! So I'm sure she will get her baby.

You seem to have very entrenched belief systems.

The concept of a soulmate is all very teenagery and romanticised. Committed adult relationships are about more than the odd weekend away or holiday. People get ill, sometimes they die, sometimes they split.

It isn't until you go through some hardships together that you learn about your capacity for love.

I think what you're actually doubting is your own capacity to love and commit to things in life that may not pan out to your pre-set expectations.

In which case, there's some very, very tough life lessons ahead. You are nearly 41 - you have to manage your expectations and step outside your comfort zone at some point in life, OR accept that your outcomes may be limited by fear/playing it safe.

Can you see yourself spending your whole life with this woman, outside of the child issue?

She has agreed to meet me for a drink once a month to catch up, but no more dates or stayovers.

And would that be around her most fertile days? (I'm a cynic)

Be careful, be very very careful.

the idea of a once a month coffee with her was so we can still see how the other is, and i told her that if she had a baby on her own or someone else, id still want to know she is ok as i care for her.

You're being kept on the hook (or she is). Say she has a baby, and she doesn't cope, how long would it be before you're helping out (money/baby sitting)? How long would it be before you find yourself a step parent?

To butcher a well known phrase, split or get off the pot. Neither of you are doing the other any favours by stringing it out.

Yes if there was no child issue, i can see myself ending up marrying her in an ideal world. i mean something else could always go wrong, but id give it a damn good go.

Be incredibly careful on the monthly dates & use your own protection. Don't just be her sperm doing & meal ticket thereafter for 21 years

Donor not doing

I think it is very rare for women to deliberately trap men with a baby they don't want and would have to be sabotaging condoms TBF.

When you examine most claims of this they are actually 'I hadn't had the presence of mind to take my own precautions by wearing a condom' or straight out accidents that the woman is blamed for...

Besides, she has had a year to sabotage him already and why split up and only offer one chance of conception per month? Why not stay together and lie?

It sounds to me like he's the one who doesn't want to let go.

He's got to face up to the fact that this is over.

If she finds someone else, which she may well do, he's not going to enjoy seeing her anyway.

it will literally be a coffee, we wont have sex. She would not trap me, she isnt like that.

Probably you both don't really want to let go but I think you need to not go ahead with the coffees. It will be too raw and a potential source of conflict.

I would advise some time without contact to get over the break up.

What contraception do/did you use?

doing something life changing that wasnt a natural urge or paternal desire.

Just to say plenty of people, myself included, had no "natural urge" or paternal/maternal desire before starting a family. I had no urge whatsoever, had no experience with children and only really got PG as time was pressing on. Frankly I was terrified of kids - not a clue about them at all.

Not having children is a perfectly valid decision. But if you think that having a natural/paternal/maternal urge is a prerequisite to having a family, it's really not the case. Yes many people are clearly baby/child mad/focused/driven, but many aren't who still go on to have loving happy families and fulfilling lives.

I was advised (at a certain age) to make a decision about having children or not, rather than just letting time pass by and make the decision for me as I was indeed in danger of doing. This was very helpful as I had no maternal urge driving me, yet I didn't want to NOT have children, as a default, if at all possible.

Rather than focusing on if you want a baby or not, (sleepless nights/cots shopping etc ), perhaps it may be more helpful for you to see how you feel about living within a family unit, having loving relationships with blood relatives outside of a partner relationship etc.

Things are biologically different for men - try imagining that you have potentially 2 years left to (maybe) have children & after that time it would not be a possibility at all. Is this OK? You Sure? Still no paternal internal murmurings? Great - decision made.

Honestly,do not have a baby with her. Having babies and children isn't a bed of roses. It's hard work. Tiring. Frustrating. And if you don't even want a child that will be hard. Yes they obviously have positives too but I imagine if it's something you don't even want the negatives will be hard work.

There is plenty more fish in the sea and you will meet someone else who isnt trying to blackmail and manipulate you into something you dont actually want and rush the relationship. That would only spell disaster. Where does it end? She manages to persuade you to have a baby. Then decides she wants another and blackmails she will leave with the child unless you have another?

I think it is very rare for women to deliberately trap men with a baby they don't want - OP Beware!

My second child was almost the "immaculate conception" - which I am still paying for - My Ex didn't want kids - but thought it would save our marriage having a second - but there was no agreement prior to conception!

And if you didn't want children and your ex did what precautions did you take yourself?

If you took precautions no matter the respective desires unless the contraception was actually sabotaged surely it is just one of those things that happens in life...

Lol at "blackmail." Overegging the pudding a bit there. She has been honest from the start, has been lead a merry dance while her fertility dwindles away and now wants a straight answer

Hardly "blackmail."

'Manipulative.' How ridiculous.

Unlike him she seems to have been straight up from the get go. No 'maybe in time', no 'let's have a holiday to Mexico and see how we feel.' Am I missing something?

What is manipulative about being upfront? Manipulation is shadowy and about half truths and duplicity. Her position may be uncompromising but it's not manipulative!

And it's not blackmail either. She said what she wanted from the start and now OP is forced into making a decision. Well, that's right.

What worries me is this 'throwing crumbs' language he is still coming out with like 'our child would be beautiful, just like her' or whatever it was. I sincerely hope you are not saying stuff like this to her.

You need to say categorically 'I do not want to have children with you or anyone else and never will. We need to split.'

Anything else is self indulgent and cruel.

Duckbear, your situation sounds horrendous. I really feel for you

Offred - I wasn't aware that my ex was planning to get pregnant - but when you are tricked into it - then it is not one of those things that happen in life! - the OP said - it will literally be a coffee, we wont have sex. She would not trap me, she isnt like that. - I believed that it was the case with my ex - I made the mistake - I have paid for my mistake - but I am certainly wiser to the "scheming woman"!!

She's not your 'soulmate' or you're not her 'soulmate' at any rate. You're the guy who was around when she started to get the fear she was in last chance saloon re kids.

She's already got a timetable for your life that you're not even on board with. Thus is not a partnership.

Run to the hills.

Thanks Lottapianos - I was never proactive about wanting kids - could have taken them or left them! But now I have my 4 - I wouldn't give them up!

I know four women who lied about contraception- I know this from the women. It happens. A lot.

I imagine she hoped you'd change your mind op. When I was dating, I would find out within a couple of dates if they wanted kids. If they said no, I would have dumped them.
It's too big a compromise to make for either person.

Duckbear. Did she actively pretend to be on the pill and lie about it?

Just asking as there is a difference between 'she lied about taking the pill religiously knowing I didn't want more kids' (even then, I'd use condoms and then everyone knows where they stand) and 'I assumed she was taking the pill religiously but turns out she wasn't and I was a bit pissed off when she said she was pregnant.'

Men trap women too!

Sex is a risky business and any and all contraception can fail.

OP, what makes you think you won't have sex if you keep meeting up? Heat of the moment, high emotions, sex drive, etc?