I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

I've not read the whole thread, so this has probably been said a million times already. The only answer to an ultimatum about having a baby with you or someone else is to let her go. Especially at your ages. You won't change your mind and one of you will grow to resent the other, no matter how much you love each other now. She won't 'love' you if you deny her children and you won't 'love' her if she forces you into fatherhood. It's hard and restrictive and lasts for a really, really long time. The responsibility is there until you die. If you are not fully on board with that, your love will die and you will be left with resentment on both sides and a child stuck in the middle.

A very close friend of mine did this four years ago. Her DP was dead set against DCs at the time, she absolutely wanted one. She stopped taking her pill and "accidentally" became pregnant (using "I had a stomach bug and was sick a few times"). It was fine, they bought a house, settled down and got on with it.

Fast forward four years and she has an amazing child who I love dearly, but who never sees his Father because her ex decided he really wasn't ready for fatherhood and walked out on them. It's not my place to judge anyone but I'd be damned before I took the choice to trick anyone into having a child with me. You both have to make the decision to have a baby. If you can't compromise or agree you have to be willing to split up.

Babies only bring couples closer together when they're already on the right track to happiness. Babies brought into wobbly relationships don't really stand much chance of cementing things.

I was a man who never really had a desire for kids. First of a caveat. You are not me and we are all different. So to that end this is my story and not any for of advice of encouragement to have kids.

Me and my ex wife had our first nearly 5 years ago. I never really wanted children and never really got on well with kids. I am not stupid and could also see all the masive responsibilities, financial cost and impact on lifestyle. I loved my ex with all my heart. She had a deep desire for children and we were married. Never really talked about having kids before were got married. I wanted to give her everything I could. So I said OK to her and gave it a go. I got her up the duff just before I deployed to Afghanistan. She told me she was pregnant on Christmas day 2011. I found my self in a state of shock but also surprisingly excited. I was still out there when she sent me my first scan picture. I don't know what changed but that photo of what looked like a jelly bean became my most valued item. It was strange after all that time away coming back to a heavily pregnant wife full of crazy hormones. Not all back of course. She was on heat alot of the time. When my daughter was born I felt emotions so strong like nothing I have ever felt before. I knew that day something had changed. I knew that I would stand by this baby girl, protect her, love her and do everything in my power to give her all I could.

That baby girl changed my life forever. I always knew I would be a career serviceman. Chasing all the adventure overseas I could and hoping to one day retire as a crusty old Warrant Officer with a chest full of medals, tones of war stories and a nice forces pension. We were allways deployed a lot for one thing or another. In the first 1.5 years of her life I was at home less that 6 months. The adventure I once enjoyed became a nightmare. All I could think about was my little girl and how much I missed her. So much so not long after she turned 2 I became a civilian so I could come home every night to my little girl. All the adventure and pension thrown away. All I wanted to do was be around for her. I had changed and just over a year ago we had a little boy.

Before I never wanted kids and wasn't very good around them. It turns out I am good with them. It also turns out that I am now very good with other people's kids and actually like other people's kids. It also turns out that this is a very good thing too because now I am a single parent. When my boy was about 4 months old my ex wife (I say ex, the divorce is near complete) left us for a man 100 miles up the road. So it is me and them now. I have a love for them children beyond anything I could comprehend before hand. I could honestly not bear to live without them.

So that is my story of having kids despite not really being into the idea. But just because everyone says it'll be different with your own it may not be. So be carefull.

If you really could take it or leave it I fail to see how it is possible to be trapped. I think straight up lying about taking the pill does not absolve you from taking your own precautions and is an issue of being a dishonest partner rather than a 'baby trap'. If you took precautions and she lied about the pill and your contraception failed I think that is one of those things life throws at you.

Lying about taking the pill, lying about wanting a baby and sabotaging your attempts to use contraception is baby trapping.

I don't see how it is helpful to say you were trapped when your attitude at the time was 'ah well if it happens it happens'.

I mean presumably men are aware that there are dishonest people, contraception sometimes fails etc?

Things had been going pear shaped in our marriage for a while - we hadn't had sex for 3 or 4 months - she was still taking the pill - or so I thought and so she said - we had a really nice romantic night with some friends of ours which ended up with us making love - the next day she was back to being off with me - and a couple of weeks later told me she was pregnant! Looking back with the power of hindsight - you tell what has happened - and I am now a lot wiser!

Most people don't think their partner is dishonest. That usually comes as a surprise.

But if you didn't want a baby you have to accept that you and her are both responsible for your respective failures to use contraception and for the breakdown in communication on the topic surely?

That's not trapping you, it is simply life. People end up with babies they wouldn't have chosen to have for these kinds of reasons all the time and if you weren't having sex she might not have planned to trick you just stopped taking the pill because there was little point and a risk to her health and then you were both caught out - one more happily than the other maybe but still not a baby trap...

No, but people must realise that some people are dishonest and that relying on your partner's honesty is not an effective method of contraception or protection from STIs.

If you think you can trust them and you take the risk then a pg results or an Sti because of dishonesty you were still involved in that decision and still made choices.

If they did have a kid together, Op would probably love it.

Why would you take the chance though?

It's curious that you don't want to accept some women lie to their partners about contraception.

It happens.

I accept my responsibility in the situation - takes 2 to tango - and I knew the risks - but what I was unaware of at the time was a small chance of having a child was skewed by a manipulative ex to an almost certainty! Wise after the event now!

And the law reflects this in the opposite - taking a condom off midway through sex does not result in a rape charge. Not is it an offence to be gung ho about HIV and infect someone. You have to be aware that you have it or are likely to and drive rarely not inform your partner. It's a dodgy and dishonest thing to do but you also have been given a choice to rely on trust or take your own precautions.

I am aware some do. More than the rare number who actually trap them. Being lied to about contraception does not mean you were trapped into a baby.

*Deliberately avoid

If you don't want a baby, don't have sex!

Or at least wrap it up.

Take your own precautions.

Hormone contraception like the Pill is shit and more prone to failure, even taken correctly, than many people realise.

Modern/newer pills seem to be worse. The morning after pill can fail.

Coils can fail. Even male and female sterilisation can fail.

If you don't want a baby, don't have sex!

I was trapped into a baby. I could have chosen not to have the children by having abortions. Sometimes things happen that are not what we would like. My ex is to blame for raping me, for me being in the position where I had to choose whether to have an abortion or not. But I did actually have a choice about whether the child was born. For men it is even more important IMO to be responsible about fertility because once conception has occurred they have no choices to make (rightly IMO).

It does make me sad (mainly for the men and the DC) when men feel they have been trapped because they relied on trusting another person with their fertility. Trusting a partner is a decision which is different to taking control of your fertility. If you rely on trust you should be aware of the risks to yourself, be comfortable with the decision and yes are still allowed to be mad at any dishonesty but it is not entirely fair to say I used trust as contraception and was trapped.

IMO anyway.

I suppose I should be in the same school of offred. I have definitely become victim of a dishonest person that I loved and trusted. I am definitely in no mood to trust again any time soon. But it raises the question should we ever truly trust? What are the chances of having a ture and beautiful relationship without trust? Should we never trust a partner with contraception?

Also I don't necessarily agree both parties should use protection. It is both parties to be responsible for what method they use and the associated risks. But if agreed that that one precaution is acceptable (e.g. The pill) and the person using it deliberately sabatages it, it unfair to blame the OP too. Accidents are accident but trapping is desgraceful and unfair to blame the victim for trusting in the agreed method of contraception that has been sabataged. Having said that once a baby is born regardless it is both parties responsibilities.

That's my opinion anyway.

Agree totally Offred.

I know women who said their partner agreed to use withdrawal method and then didn't, result being straight up the duff. Then the woman having to shoulder all the responsibility of how to proceed.

Those women relied on trust and got caught out. It works both ways.

See I see it as two separate issues.

You have been a victim of dishonesty. You made a choice (or should have done if you were properly socialised around fertility/sexual health) to trust your partner with your sexual health/fertility and one of the risks you took was that they turn out not to be honest.

It might be splitting hairs I guess to many people and trapping is a way of expressing your genuine grievance in a shorthand manner but I just think that description and way of feeling has consequences for the child that has been born so should be used sparingly.

I'm a trusting person. Dishonesty or abuse has not meant I do not trust people anymore or don't think I should but I think it would help if boys were raised to understand that they can and should make a properly informed decision and that relying on trusting that someone else was taking responsibility carries the risk of pg that they don't want.

This whole contraception line is ridiculous. If the gf was going to get up the duff accidentally on purpose she'd have done it by now. She's had a year.

I don't think as many men trap women into pregnancy as women trap men. So I think the 'it works both ways' comments is as helpful as when people say it about say, domestic violence. Yes, it can work both ways, but it IS skewered far more one way.

This doesn't mean I think women are bad. (On the whole, imho, women are much nicer than men.) I was responding to the comment: I think it is very rare for women to deliberately trap men with a baby they don't want

Ime, its not very rare at all.

Women generally know this already IMO and think about it a lot because of actually carrying the baby.

Speaking to men around my age not many have put a great deal of thought into the actual decision they are making and the control of their fertility they are losing when their partner goes on the pill/whatever and they stop using condoms.

Op seems different in this regard TBF probably because he has genuinely thought about whether he wants children or not and so it is an important issue to him.

Seems many men kind of subconsciously think about contraception as mainly a woman's responsibility that they pick up if the woman can't or won't use contraception herself or they don't trust the person they are sleeping with.