Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

1005 replies

user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 13:33

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 16:09

Thank you Lottapios. The counsellor said the same thing to me as well. She said i was being very diligent and considering the unborn child in all this, whereas a lot of other men may have said " ok i'll just have a kid with her, it will all pan out"

I could never just do that on something this big.

OP posts:
Offred · 10/05/2016 16:10

No, which is sensible. Just don't let feelings about the break up get you off track with that thought.

MusicIsMedicine · 10/05/2016 16:13

'Kodak moments' - but there's so much more to family and love than that.

I'm not convinced OP has any real insight into being around babies or kids, given what he says about zero experience of it. It's not all just nappies or soft play or kodak moments. It is fundamentally so much bigger than that.

Not sure that a bit of counselling is sufficient either to make such a big life decision either way.

Life is learning.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 16:13

I wont.

I had a weakness moment today where i imagined how our son or daughter would look, especially with her genes as i think she is beautiful. And that made me very wistful, imaging a new person who is part of us both. And that made me think well why not do it after all? But that wore off as sense kicked in, ie doing something life changing that wasnt a natural urge or paternal desire.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 16:15

i only have what i have experienced in my life to date, and very little has been child orientated.

I have a huge fear of having a child with her, not liking it after all long term, and leaving her in the end.

I cannot imagine that. Fatherhood would be a gamble for me, not an iron certainty borne out of sheer personal desire for a child.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 16:17

branleause, the idea of a once a month coffee with her was so we can still see how the other is, and i told her that if she had a baby on her own or someone else, id still want to know she is ok as i care for her.

i know most of you will say its a bad idea, i know.

OP posts:
Selfme · 10/05/2016 16:18

In all probability she's not going to have her own biological baby. At 37 her options are limited. The chance of ivf being successful with a sperm donor at her age are

ManonLescaut · 10/05/2016 16:18

I did tell her at the start that i had never wanted children

That's slightly different to what you said in the OP. And if you had really said that and stuck to your guns then the relationship wouldn't happened.

Why would a woman for whom children are non-negotiable spend a year with a man for whom the opposite is non-negotiable? You split up over it, more than one. She wouldn't have got back together if she'd known there was no chance.

squizita · 10/05/2016 16:18

What would really be "diligent" would be to let her go, well before 40.

To be blunt, she needs to find someone and get pregnant ...at 36-42 she may also have a 30-40% chance of miscarriage depending on health. Plus it can take a while to get pregnant.
If you leave it too late you'll ruin her chances, which could utterly break her heart.

Being OK with that happening to someone (because that is what you are doing) is NOT being a soulmate, is it?

You sound like you want her to change her mind. If she won't, of you love her, give her the chance to seek her heart's desire... don't sabotage her.

Offred · 10/05/2016 16:19

Whilst I don't agree that you should 'give it a go', you must be aware that leaving her wouldn't change the fact you were a father. If you didn't like it your parenting work would probably increase rather than decrease if you left her.

MusicIsMedicine · 10/05/2016 16:20

Is this "natural urge" thing what you are predicating your decision on?

Plenty of people, men and women don't have a big natural urge! Or when they do, it kicks in later in life.

Don't write off your whole future on a belief system.

I know plenty of loving parents especially fathers, who just got on with it and didn't have a huge drive for kids, then their kids came along and they fall utterly in love with them.

It's an adjustment process for many to see themselves as parents. All sorts of mixed feelings is natural.

I don't think this counselling has done you any favours at all.

Offred · 10/05/2016 16:22

And fatherhood is always a gamble in terms of you don't know how you will feel about the challenges and rewards and changes it brings. What is known is that to have a baby you need to accept you will be a father and take responsibility even if you don't like it.

I don't think her chances of having a baby are good but I think that is irrelevant. It is important to her to try. You don't want to. That means your relationship is not workable.

squizita · 10/05/2016 16:23

Selfme the average age of mums to naturally conceived babies in the birth centre I gave birth in was 37. Ok, they were usually a 2nd baby or whatever, but at 37 she really isn't barren - the clock is ticking but not stopped by any means.

...but you're right in terms of finding a man. Effectively (if her fertility is OK) the OP is her number one barrier to a family. Sad She's wasted the golden year - the year most people round my way have their 2nd child because most can still conceive and hold a baby well.
And every year counts...

Original poster
user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 16:23

See that is partly my point.

When she met me, she had just turned 36 and i had just turned 39. ANY man she was going to meet at that life stage, whether it was me or not, was going to be thrust - very quickly - into the baby conundrum due to her age and clock.

Most men would like a relationship and courting for a period before all that stuff. now granted, i did say i wasnt on her page and we ended up dating and had the 2 periods where we split.

All i am saying is, due to the ages of us both and timing of it, it was never going to be a standard romance. it was always going to be " are you on my page" quickly romance.

OP posts:
squizita · 10/05/2016 16:25

and I agree with Music that counsellor sounds crap. 'Diligent' - what weird advice.

Did they suggest not stringing along a woman in her last few fertile years? Tough choice but really needs to be done.

murphyslaws · 10/05/2016 16:25

OP can I ask your age? Because if you are late twenties or early 30 then you have lots of time to decide if children are a factor or not. We know her age but I'm curious if their is an age gap.

There is 10 years age gap with me and hubby.

Offred · 10/05/2016 16:26

For what it is worth I never wanted children. I was raped and abused and then with my only planned PG I conceived twins so I now have four. I simply have had no option but to accept the responsibility and my circumstances and I am an excellent mother who loves her children. It however is not the life I would have chosen and that causes me some sadness. Sadness that is not really worth dwelling on as it is a moot point now! My advice would be if you have a chance to choose for yourself how your life goes then do that. If your life doesn't work out that way, get on with things, make what choices you can, live up to your responsibilities to other people!

Original poster
user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 16:26

squizita you say she wasted a golden year, but - even if i wanted kids - i would want time to establish a foundation with her first before trying?

Surely most men want the chance to build a solid base before they try for a child?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 16:26

im 41 in August

OP posts:
LurcioAgain · 10/05/2016 16:27

I think you're both to be applauded for your honesty. She has been able to say "I do not love you enough to give up my chance of children", and you (by letting her go) have in effect said "I don't love you enough to take the huge gamble of having a child when I don't think I'm the paternal type." I think you're both being more clear-sighted and honest with each other than many people are, and even though it hurts like hell at the moment, this is an extremely good thing in the long run. Neither of you have played mind games, either with each other or with yourselves (trying to persuade yourself that you can do something for love which fundamentally goes against a huge part of your nature). The world would be a better place if we could all manage this.

Offred · 10/05/2016 16:27

It is easier to conceive a second child btw. A first at 38+ is harder.

Itisbetternow · 10/05/2016 16:29

The Op is 40.

squizita · 10/05/2016 16:30

It is easier to conceive a second child btw. A first at 38+ is harder.

I was advised this was a myth. Mind you this was by Raj Rai at St Marys after having several miscarriages in my 30s and panicking about how long I had left at 36 (I started well under 35 and have APS so lots of losses). So he might have been being kind.
In the end I had mine at 36 anyway, luckily.

murphyslaws · 10/05/2016 16:30

I would say your mind is made up but so is hers.

You don't want children at 41
She wants children at 37.

She leaves it much longer she won't be able to have children

It's apples and oranges two very different things.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 16:32

Also, her sister is undergoing IVF at the moment, which of course makes this woman want her own even more.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.