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Original poster

I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

1005 replies

user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 13:33

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

OP posts:
MissRabbitHasTooManyJobs · 13/05/2016 19:26

Oh dear god what have I missed?!
5 yr old dd has come out in chicken pox and she's covered from head to toe so been up the wall.
Off to bed soon to read the full thread as dp is taking over, am intrigued :)

KittensandKnitting · 13/05/2016 20:17

I second that hisname

See the OP didn't return...

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 13/05/2016 20:51

He's probably too busy shagging his girlfriend and promising to think more about having a baby with her.

SandyY2K · 13/05/2016 23:13

I think posters are being rather harsh to USER the OP. He's facing a dillema because he's in love with his GF, but doesn't want to be a father.

It's not about others here having had more critical problems ... this is HIS problem. There are big problems across the universe, but when it's not YOUR problem you don't pay much attention to it.

I can understand why you say you wish you hadn't met her .... because you wouldn't be facing this now. Some have taken that statement the wrong way.

Her desire for a child outweighs her love to be with you without a child AND your desire not to have a child outweighs your love for her.

There's no right or wrong and you should never be pushed into having a child against your will.

You asked if a 36 year old woman should not wait 18 months... maybe she should ... but that's not the issue with your situation. It's not about waiting ... you don't want that.

If she was younger I'm sure she wouldn't be pushing the issue with such intensity .... but with the decline in egg production the clock is ticking.

I would never have sacrificed having kids for ANY man, no matter how much I loved him. It's too big an ask.

I do feel for you .... but the ONLY solution is to end it as you know.

MissRabbitHasTooManyJobs · 14/05/2016 06:11

I need to know what happened! Had to put match sticks on my eyes to stay awake to read this bloody thread from start to finishGrin
Come on op. How did it go? I'm way too invested here...

dilys4trevor · 14/05/2016 09:33

He's not coming back. I think it was done for an article. And he was annoying on purpose to get the most responses.

E.g. A normal person (even a self absorbed one) would have stopped saying 'this woman' when he was called out for it multiple times. Or at least argued back against the criticism of the over use. But he carried on using it.

No one is that self absorbed or stupid.

MistressDeeCee · 14/05/2016 09:48

This kind of thing has been discussed on here numerous times. I think the OP was doing research of some sort, wouldn't be surprised to see this topic on The Wright Stuff or some such, in time to come, with veiled references re this thread.

IF its a true situation - which I highly doubt - then the OP is just another timewasting, emotionally unavailable idiot out there, preying on a woman in her good years knowing that he doesn't want what she wants. All the handwringing and soul searching is pretence, doesn't fool me for an instant. Its an age old game. Yes darling I will definitely, seriously think about us having a child..oh ok, in 2 years time we will have a child..on it will go, until her childbearing years are wasted at which point she will be bitter and resentful and it will be HER FAULT because, well, he did SAY he didnt want a child didn't he, so why did she hang on? Conveniently missing out the fact that HE could have left, that he was purposely dangling her with what sounded like firm promises, alongside "I love you, want us to be together forever" blah blah blah.

If she's real, hope she's making plans to leave. As hard and harsh as it is, more of us need to realise we CAN live without someone we love if they're not right for us or their stance on life and family could lead to a life of tearful regrets eventually.

MusicIsMedicine · 17/05/2016 17:32

Where did OP go?

Original poster
user1462882883 · 23/05/2016 14:22

Hi all,

Thank you for your replies. I have been on a last minute holiday and I have the update about my situation.

We met for the meal in the restaurant and had a long heart to heart.She said that she loves me so much, but she is turning 38 in September and time is ticking regarding her fertility. I said that i understood all of that and that having a baby is the most important thing in the world.

I told her that I love her so much as well, and wanted to be with her forever. She said that would be possible - so long as our baby was in the room with us as well.

We did a lot of brutal soul searching that night.I WANT to want a child with her. I want her to be happy and if i wanted a child, i would want one with her.

So why is it, that try as hard as i humanly can, I just do not want a child?

Why dont i want a nice family life? Why am i so afraid of the change in lifestyle? Why am i so terrified of the nappies and lack of sleep? Why am i scared of having less money and freedom? Why am i afraid of sharing my girlfriend? Why , at age 40, do i feel like i dont want to spend my 40s, 50s and beyond raising children, it is too exhausting? The stress? The total change?

We parted that night on friendly terms. I cried a lot that night, having lost someone i love and adore and for nothing i have done wrong but because she wants a child and i am not paternal.

OP posts:
sunnyoutside · 23/05/2016 14:27

Well at least you both have closure with each other now. She can get on with her life and you can get on with yours :)

Original poster
user1462882883 · 23/05/2016 14:47

I dont want to. I wanted her and still do.

I asked her time and again why a childfree life does not appeal. She kept saying she would end up bored.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 23/05/2016 14:51

Thank God it's over.

Now you can let this virtual stranger/love of your life go and find what she wants.

mallorcanmummy · 23/05/2016 15:08

is it that you actively don't want a baby, or more, you can;t imagine yourself having children? My DH and I were completely happy with our childfree life. Our sort-of-unplanned child was born 6 weeks ago. During the pregnancy, he didn't show much interest, wasn't interested in reading/learning anything. The moment DS was born, DH said his life changed. Now our DS is his world. He just couldn't imagine life with a child before actually having a child.

If you feel you really don't want one, as opposed to you can't imagine it, then the kindest thing to do is walk away. If not, maybe this woman is worth 'taking the risk' for and it might just be the best thing you ever did.

SandyY2K · 23/05/2016 15:13

I'm suprised you asked her why a child free life doesn't appeal. It's a very natural thing to want to be a parent.

I think your childhood and treatment by your father has contributed to how you feel, and history would only repeat itself if you had a child.

It's a very non negotiable thing though. You can both move on to the next chapter in life.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2016 15:16

I asked her time and again why a childfree life does not appeal
And on the flip side she has asked you time and again why a life with a child does not appeal.

It's a personal thing.
No-one is right and no-one is wrong.
You want different things.

You don't want the joy of a baby and going to plays and parent evenings and watching a child of your own grow up to be an amazing person, knowing 'you did that'
And on the flip side of that, not all babies are a joy. Some are down right hard work.
School parent evenings can be a dreaded thing (believe me I know)
The teen years can be the most stressful time of your life.

You now need to leave her alone to do what she needs to do to have the fulfilling life she wants.
You don't want that life and that is fine.
But let her be now!

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 23/05/2016 15:18

I'm suprised you asked her why a child free life doesn't appeal

I'm not at all surprised he asked this - if you read the thread you will see that despite his declarations of deepest love for this poor woman, the OP can only consider himself in this scenario.

sunnyoutside · 23/05/2016 16:00

I asked her time and again why a childfree life does not appeal. She kept saying she would end up bored.

Well there you go. She doesn't want a childfree life. At least you have shared your brutal soul searching and can both move on to the next chapter of your lives, separately.

HazelBite · 23/05/2016 16:04

I think the Op's ex girlfriend has had a lucky escape, the OP comes across as "fixed" in his views and immature, in his aspirations for his future.
No-one knows what life is going to chuck at us and basically we all have to go with the flow.
You cannot stand still. The Op loves the relationship as it is at the moment but seems not to be able to envisage any "progression" in this relationship.

I wish him luck, because he is never going to attain exactly what he wants in a relationship.
He could end up very lonely

Original poster
user1462882883 · 23/05/2016 16:06

" I'm suprised you asked her why a child free life doesn't appeal. It's a very natural thing to want to be a parent "

Not necessarily a natural appeal to everybody. And she is amazing to me in so many ways, I didn't think she was the type to want to go the traditional route of a family and kids, but more a child free lifestyle with the right man.

"s it that you actively don't want a baby, or more, you can;t imagine yourself having children? "

I just never think about children. And when i have asked myself the question, i just don't feel the need for a child. I don't have a want for a child. I don't feel a gap in my life for a child.

It's like asking me, do you want a horse? No i don't. I don't have that want.

I don't want to get a tattoo. I don't want a child. My reasons are because i don't want the lifestyle with having a child.

My girlffriend asked me what would happen if i got her pregnant accidentally, because she would not terminate. I said if that happened, I would stick by her and give it a go, as i don't believe in walking away.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1462882883 · 23/05/2016 16:07

"I wish him luck, because he is never going to attain exactly what he wants in a relationship. "

What, so i have to have a child i don't want, to have a relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1462882883 · 23/05/2016 16:07

"No-one knows what life is going to chuck at us and basically we all have to go with the flow "

What, you mean with her flow of wanting a child, even though i don't want one?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1462882883 · 23/05/2016 16:12

I feel too tired even at age 40 to even think about beginning a family. Sleep deprivation at age 41 onwards? Dealing with a teenager in my 50s? Sending our child to uni when i am 58 and thinking of retiring?

How did any of your husbands manage with starting the baby stage at 40 basically? It must be so hard when you start later.

OP posts:
sunnyoutside · 23/05/2016 16:15

Anyway, the whys and the whatnots don't matter. You both different things. So no point keep going over it. Get on with your life and have a happy one :)

hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2016 16:15

What, so i have to have a child i don't want, to have a relationship?
At your age, not many women come without baggage.
If you want someone your age they will have baggage.
If you want someone younger they are likely to want a child in the future.
And this is because it's human nature. We are put here to pro-create and most have the urge to do that at some point.
I had one and then no further urge so not everyone.

There are of course many childless people out there and I hope you find one you can click with.

sunnyoutside · 23/05/2016 16:15

*want different things

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