I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

I hammer it home to my daughter all the time. DON'T put off having children for a man. I was only 30 when I divorced my ex. It was another 2 years before I had my first, DD1.

Pearly, so glad you had your happy ending!

Can't help feeling angry about your time-waster ex. I identify. Some men have no qualms whatsoever about leading women up the garden path for years and all with no intention of building a future and family.

So glad you had the courage to make a new life whilst you could!

Thanks music- I feel that I made it by the skin of my teeth though!

Surely this is up for nomination in "The Biggest Pile of Shite" category

Op is wearing his "woe is me" trousers.

Pearly, yes and no doubt you did. It could have turned out so differently. Cannot even imagine how you'd feel with your ex sat there as a father now and if you'd not managed to have any kids, after wasting ten years with him.

I think it's one of the most cruel things a man can do to a woman.

Hope this poor lady on the receiving end of this OP gets her happy ending.

If the Op had loved her, he should have not got back with her but sought counselling without telling her to see if he could round to the idea of having a child. If he couldn't, no harm done but if he could then he could try and win her back. The Op didn't do that as his desire for her was a selfish one and he didn't want her to find anybody else.

I doubt he will be back

Looking forward to an update from the OP. I have a sneaking feeling we might be in for a surprise.

What's your prediction kitten?

Mine is that he loves her so much, he'll try again for a few months to change his mind...

I'm hoping they got drunk, had unprotected sex and now she is pregnant and he can spend the next 9 months agonising over how this affects HIM.

Kelandry, I thought that might happen too. He probably doesn't realise it only takes one, even if you are over 20.

Yes and do three years at the coal face then wander off to find himself.... what a bore.

Well naturally, she won't be that same sweet gal he fell in love with, she might not even have time to explore new hobbies when breastfeeding every 40 minutes. So he will have to seek counselling justification and leave her.

I'm hoping she tells him she's got up the duff by someone else - now that would be poetic justice.

OP, in the light of your further drip feeding, can I unreservedly withdraw the support I gave you earlier? You're behaving like a twunt stringing her along.

Op- how did it go?

I suggest we don't leave numerous posts asking how it went. He'll love that.

pearlylum I had a tough time in my 40s. Apparently undatable let alone unloveable. It's passed now that biologically it's no longer possible and I have a very full life. But I'm that much maligned "selfish career woman" never the "hard working family" even though I'm a high earner who pays for everyone else.

Commitment shy men like the OP make me very angry for what they put ordinary loving women through. I was made to feel that I was asking too much simply to be loved and make a family. Wish I'd had MN 20 years ago!

I agree Foggy re MN 20 years ago. I wasted most of my 20s waiting for my Ex BF to want to get married and have children. Thankfully by the age of 28 I left him and met someone who did want those things but again made me wait 5 years. Looking back I was such a fool - however in my defence and theirs I wasn't desperate to have children I always thought if it happens it does and if it doesn't so be it.

Foggy, sorry to hear that. Is adoption a possibility?

Foggy I'm so sorry and just wanted to share your anger at the Daily Mail selfish career woman tag. It's just not true for the vast majority of women

Hi op, I haven't read the full thread yet but I will do later when I've got more time so apologies if I've missed a lot.
When I met my dp, one of the first things he said was that he did not want children. I had my baby ds at the time and was content with that.

Fast forward a few years and he was desperate to become a daddy, he loves being with ds and we spoke about how things would change as have 8 year gap between them both , ds is now 13 and dd is 5.

I've never been so proud to call him my daughters daddy, he lives and breathes for her!
We made the decision to not have any more dc as we were happy with 2 and he had a vasectomy at 35 when dd was 1.
I think he actually regrets it but things are much easier out of the baby stage and I had 2 babies who slept pretty much straight away so was extremely lucky.
Your love for this woman shines through on your posts that I've seen.
I hope everything works out for you both and you're truly happy with whatever path you take.
My late nan was German and used to come out with some rubbish but one thing that's stuck in my head is that she always said to me
"What's for you won't go against you"

Rabbit you might, etc, want to read the thread.

HTH

Rabbit, read the thread!