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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

1005 replies

user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 13:33

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 23/05/2016 16:18

Why are you still asking questions when you have already made a decision..
Massive. Attention. Seeker.

BeckywiththeGoodHare · 23/05/2016 16:18

Please tell me you definitively ended it with her, and she's gone away determined to find a way to make her plans happen without you twining away in the background like Kevin the Teenager.

And PLEASE do not get in touch with her in a few months' time with more of the same. If you genuinely love her as much as you claim to, you'll leave her the fuck alone. Think of it as your last gift to her, the last demonstration of how much you respect her, and want her to be happy above your own feelings.

Lancelottie · 23/05/2016 16:20

I have to say, you sound more 'miffed teenager' than heartbroken adult.

But then I've just had half an hour of my son doing the angsty 'Why? Why do I worry about everything? Why don't I want to work hard instead of throwing away my chances? Why can't life rearrange itself to suit my exact wishes?' and am feeling grumpy and irritable.

Lancelottie · 23/05/2016 16:20

Oops, crossed posts with Becky...

Original poster

user1462882883 · 23/05/2016 16:23

Becky we are still talking and texting. We couldn't cut off so abruptly. it is a gradual process.

No, I have never loved a woman this much, and i can't get over the fact that she does not want to be child free as well.

But she needs to get what she wants ie her child, soon.

OP posts:

sunnyoutside · 23/05/2016 16:24

Oh dear god.

Original poster

user1462882883 · 23/05/2016 16:24

See I don't want a woman with baggage.

So my girlfriend said - you can make your own with me

But i want just her and not a mini me. Even though its my genes, i don't want that responsibility.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 23/05/2016 16:25

Oh goodie. We're still doing the pointless soul searching and navel gazing thing.

The relationship is over. You've gone you're separate ways. It doesn't matter two fucks how anyone else's husband managed having a child at 40 because you don't want one, and I assume because you are so determined about this you will be using condoms and/or getting a vasectomy so that you don't end up having a child, yes?

Lancelottie · 23/05/2016 16:26

Try CBT.

Or write a long novel, or some bad poetry, or a song or two.

Anything, really, as long as you nobly relinquish her. She's not your dream woman; your dream woman doesn't want what she wants.

Lancelottie · 23/05/2016 16:27

Incidentally, how worried are you about that little probe of hers into how you'd feel about 'accidental' pregnancy?

CassandraAusten · 23/05/2016 16:28

You've done the right thing, OP. Try to stop contacting her so you don't keep her hopes up that you'll change your mind.

Joysmum · 23/05/2016 16:29

I don't want a child in my 40's, couldn't think of much worse.

This is despite us how enriching children are through own daughter whom we love and cherish and is our world.

No way I'd start again now. No way I'd expect my friends who chose not to have children to change their minds to please others.

You've done the right thing user to make your position as clear as she has and not to capitulate to please her, just as she would have been wrong to compromise too.

BeckywiththeGoodHare · 23/05/2016 16:29

My girlfriend asked me what would happen if i got her pregnant accidentally, because she would not terminate. I said if that happened, I would stick by her and give it a go, as i don't believe in walking away.

Oh, for shame. Seriously, OP. For fuck's sake. At best, this was a disingenuous and selfish thing to say, and worst it was knowingly manipulative - it gives her just a glimmer of hope that you might love the baby when it comes, and aren't completely averse to the idea. When in fact you're so self-centred you can't even imagine how anyone copes with a child in their 40s (here's a clue: have a look on the parenting boards and find the many thousands of MNers who do exactly that), and probably just said that because only 'bad guys' would tell a 38 yr old woman who wants a baby to have an abortion.

I'll say it again, IF YOU LOVED THIS WOMAN, you would cut off contact right now and let her get on with finding the one thing she truly wants. If you can't do that, you definitely don't love her.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2016 16:30

it is a gradual process
Who said????
It shouldn't be!
It's much easier on both of you if you just cut contact and go your separate ways.
This is just eeking things out even more.
FFS. LET HER GO!!!!!

Dozer · 23/05/2016 16:30

Short notice holiday

Perhaps to take a break from all this angst, or enjoy the angst in a sunnier location.

sunnyoutside · 23/05/2016 16:30

write a long novel, or some bad poetry, or a song or two

Original poster

user1462882883 · 23/05/2016 16:32

Incidentally, how worried are you about that little probe of hers into how you'd feel about 'accidental' pregnancy?

I am a little worried as we have been sleeping together and i have been withdrawing.

OP posts:

BeckywiththeGoodHare · 23/05/2016 16:32

I don't think I've ever read a thread on MN that's made me want to track down a total stranger and spirit her into a safe environment quite so much.

Lancelottie · 23/05/2016 16:34

OK, I'm out. Nobody could be that much of a tit at 40.

DS, are you trolling Mumsnet again? Go and do your homework.

Original poster

user1462882883 · 23/05/2016 16:35

"Oh goodie. We're still doing the pointless soul searching and navel gazing thing. "

It is pointless to YOU, as you have children and are not going through what i am.

It is not pointless to ME. This is my life going wrong here.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2016 16:37

i have been withdrawing
Holly hell - this is feckin' hilarious now!

Of every 100 women whose partners use withdrawal, 4 will become pregnant each year if they always do it correctly.
Of every 100 women whose partners use withdrawal, 27 will become pregnant each year if they don't always do it correctly.

wannabestressfree · 23/05/2016 16:37

Oh do fuck off....

Dozer · 23/05/2016 16:41

Lancelottie · 23/05/2016 16:43

Soooo...

you have been having unprotected sex
with a woman who is desperate for a child
and has checked that you'll stick around if she gets pregnant.

Enjoy parenthood!

sunnyoutside · 23/05/2016 16:44

I don't think I have read a thread on MN that has made me laugh so much where is the crying with laughter smilie

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