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Original poster

I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

1005 replies

user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 13:33

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

OP posts:
sunnyoutside · 12/05/2016 16:17

~Oh it is all bollocks isn't it!

sunnyoutside · 12/05/2016 16:18

Painful memory? But wailing at having to leave the love of your life in a restaurant is ok?

Tiggeryoubastard · 12/05/2016 16:18

^ yes, sunnyside.

sunnyoutside · 12/05/2016 16:18

i think tomorrow your ex will wake up a lot happier than you.

sunnyoutside · 12/05/2016 16:19

Whether this op is real or not I know men like this looking at you ex

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 16:19

sunny it isnt. This is happening and happening in 2 hours time.

I meant if we did this at my house, i would think of her long after she has gone, on my couch.

I can avoid tonights restaurant after tonight for a long time. no painful reminders.

OP posts:
KittensandKnitting · 12/05/2016 16:20

This poor woman.

At first I did feel a bit for the OP being in love with someone who wants a child when you do not. I never wanted children until I met my DP, I met him and knew pretty quickly the reason I hadn't before was because I hadn't met Mr Right.

You have known her desire for a child for over year, she has ended your relationship twice because you don't want a child. She does, she is not in her 20's she is in her late 30's and you are being so so selfish, I'm sure you have given her "hope" and she has taken that hoping you will change your mind.

She is not a toy, she is not just a "girl" she is a woman who wants to be a mother with you for some reason and you want her to hang on for another three months living together in the hope she changes her mind

SHE WILL NOT CHANGE HER MIND.

Im 38 and my DP and I have just experienced miscarriage number 5, it is bloody difficult getting pregnant in your late 30's - you are destroying her chances, you may already have destroyed her chances.

Don't jus decide to go out for a nice dinner, when your going to tell her you have decided no children - rip the band aid off and tell her straight, let her decide if she still then wants to have dinner with you whilst you tell her how awful it is for you.

juneau · 12/05/2016 16:22

Yes, but don't you think it would be kinder to tell her somewhere like a park, where you haven't got other people a couple of feet from you? You know what's coming and you're upset at the thought of it - she's excited to see you and seems to have no idea that you're about to drop this devastating bombshell. Can't you find a neutral outdoor space which will give you both more privacy?

KittensandKnitting · 12/05/2016 16:23

My post crossed with the one I read on the previous page - but you banging on about bad memories for you in your house says it all really...

So that you don't have a bad feeling in your home you would rather break this woman's heart who has been hanging onto you changing your mind in a fucking restaurant

This is so selfish!

sunnyoutside · 12/05/2016 16:23

You are full of crap op.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 16:28

I'm going to tell her tonight.

OP posts:
Stormtreader · 12/05/2016 16:28

OP, you don't love her, you love the life you have with her at the moment.
Once you accept that, this should all get a bit easier.

When you love someone, its "for better or for worse", and that means that you know things will change but that you want to face these changes together. Not having a child does not mean that life will carry on exactly as it is, forever.

She might be in an accident tomorrow and end up in a wheelchair, or be diagnosed with an illness that would reduce her physical ability, or one or both of you might lose your jobs. That could mean no more fancy dinners all the time, no more exotic holidays, having to get up at 4am because she needs help going to the bathroom. Would you still love her then and want to be with her forever?

midlifehope · 12/05/2016 16:28

well at 37, she has very little time to play with, especially if she wants more than one. Why don't you let her have a family, on the understanding that she does a lot of the 'hard graft' of parenthood, and you support her with love, financially etc.? You can't really mess her around any longer, otherwise her biological clock will explode. Either say yes to her desires, or set her free. Don't imprison her in your version of a realationship, as it is not hers. I was in a similar situation with DP, but now I have 2 lovely children and am more contented than ever. She will resent you if you don't 'let' her, and there won't be a relationship at all. Sorry.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 16:30

She knows it is coming, she wanted to speak to me about it on Sunday.

OP posts:
WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 12/05/2016 16:31

no i wont go to her home or at my home as that would create a painful memory. it needs to be a neutral venue.

Oh you have to be joking right?! You'd rather risk tears in public than go to hers to break up? If you go to hers then you don't have to consider "creating a painful memory". I'm sure she'll cope just fine living with the couch that you've sat on to say goodbye Hmm
You're either stupid, selfish, or a troll.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 16:31

" She might be in an accident tomorrow and end up in a wheelchair, or be diagnosed with an illness that would reduce her physical ability, or one or both of you might lose your jobs. That could mean no more fancy dinners all the time, no more exotic holidays, having to get up at 4am because she needs help going to the bathroom. Would you still love her then and want to be with her forever? "

Yes I would, because it would still be just me and her, which is my ideal. And i would still love her no matter what happened to her.

OP posts:
juneau · 12/05/2016 16:32

Well in that case I hope she throws her drink over you when you tell her that she's just wasted a year of her life (and her precious fertility), waiting for you to 'come around' to her way of thinking. Because she split up with you last March and by May you'd persuaded her to give you another chance - and then in Sept you persuaded her to give you a third chance - and now you're going to tell her that it was all for nought.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 16:33

" You are full of crap op "

Gee, I'm sorry i dared to fall in love with someone.

OP posts:
meffhead · 12/05/2016 16:33

My DH always put off having children... Needs more money, better job etc etc...
I have a massive family and nephews and nieces... He had none!!!
I loved kids but was happy to wait as being married and more financially secure was important to me too.
Four weeks after our wedding I found out I was pregnant !!!! 26 weeks pregnant !!!! We had no idea! We got married abroad and I'd had all the jabs, ate everything I shouldn't have and drank like a fish!!! Baby was fine!
We were both shell shocked but the "14 week" pregnancy was a panic and we both worried about bonding etc.
There was no need for the worry ... DH took to fatherhood like a duck to water he still doesn't like other people's kids but now we have 3 gorgeous kiddies and why we worried I don't know!!!!
Basically I too think that once the baby is born then you will be fine..... BUT I do have friends who are couples and they don't have kids and they are very happy with their decision BUT they are both on the same page !!!!

Stormtreader · 12/05/2016 16:33

"I meant if we did this at my house, i would think of her long after she has gone, on my couch.
I can avoid tonights restaurant after tonight for a long time. no painful reminders."

So you've decided to cause her public embarrassment by dropping this on her while youre out in a crowded place, simply because its slightly less upsetting for you? She gets to be a spectacle by taking her tear-stained self home because doing it at your house would be mildly unpleasant for you. You are a LOT more heartless than I realised, she is dodging a bullet.

AyeAmarok · 12/05/2016 16:36

Oh God, you're going to broadcast live updates of your meeting, aren't you. All the heartbreak and wailing and "oh it's so unfaaaair" WAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 16:38

" OP, you don't love her, you love the life you have with her at the moment.
Once you accept that, this should all get a bit easier. "

I do love her, and yes i love seeing her the way we lead our lives now.

I accept she is on a mission to become a mother as that is her true calling.

OP posts:
Stormtreader · 12/05/2016 16:38

"Yes I would, because it would still be just me and her, which is my ideal"

So, all the reasons you gave earlier on are bullshit then. Youll get up at 4am for that, but not for a child. You'll give up having holidays if she becomes disabled, but not if its because you have a child. You'll be a step-parent to someone elses child, but not a parent to your own.

I think its a totally valid choice to decide to be child-free, but dont lie to yourself about whats going on here otherwise youll keep trying to drift the two of you back into this nevernever land of "maybe it'll change".

squizita · 12/05/2016 16:41

Gee, I'm sorry i dared to fall in love with someone.

Your idea of love is warped. For example, you'd rather have her publically humiliated rather than feel uncomfortable.
You strung her along knowing, if you have GCSE fucking biology, her stakes were higher than yours.
You have all the soulmate shit stuff going on.

That just isn't real normal love.

KittensandKnitting · 12/05/2016 16:41

The very fact you said earlier she is looking forward to seeing you for a romantic meal, leads me to think since you have been stringing her along for a year and she has wanted a "final" discussion since last Sunday that she thinks your going to tell her you will have a baby with her...

Because nobody drops that kind of bombshell after all the "I'm trying" to come round to the idea in a posh restaurant over dinner.

All of your posts are so incredibly selfish, you don't love her you love the idea of her.

What your doing is very cruel

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