I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

You want people to say poor you so you can keep thinking you are a victim and carry on hurting people.

Offred you deserve a bloody medal!

I really hope this woman finds the backbone you don't have. I'm so glad I did. I was married, very happily, but he 'wasn't ready' for kids, age 34, and blah blah blah. I divorced him and had 3 with someone else.

I also hope she hasn't left it too late. I had my last at 37 and have had hot flushes and night sweats since then.

You have no respect for her. I hope she finds respect for herself and finally leaves.

I then decided that I loved her and would challenge a lifetime of my beliefs, and contacted her to say i was opening up more to the idea of children.

You bastard. Stringing her along because you 'decided you fell in love'.

You really think that all this chest beating and wailing and 'nobility' makes you a better man than your father don't you?

Why cant more of you see that it is hard for me as well? I have feelings as well as she does

Don't tell me what to do.
That's not how discussion boards work.

PLEASE don't try to shame me into shutting up by playing the victim... PLEASE don't manipulate everyone or try to in that way.

SERIOUSLY that's sounding like the kind of male mentality that ends up with 'oh I will kill myself if you leave and everyone will hate you' to abusively control women.

You are behaving badly. You can lie to yourself that you're picked on but you aren't.

Imagine you are a woman who wants kids. Your time runs out aged 40. The guy who claims he loves you is on-off-on-off till you're almost 38.
When you finally split, he acts like a victim.
You take a few months but luckily find another guy. But... you can't get pregnant. Oh dear. You see a Gynie and they tell you you left it too late.
You've always wanted a child. You were lucky and fertile ... once.
The time wasting was the immediate cause of your infertility and lack of a child.

You. Are. Not. The. Victim.

An NO I WILL NOT BE NICE TO YOU: I DON'T OWE IT TO BE NICE TO YOU AND YOU HAVE NOT EARNED THAT BY BEING NICE TO OTHER PEOPLE.

You didn't open up more to having children. You can only do that is there's a bit if you keep you want them.

Jeez is this self obsessed twaddle still going? I posted about five thousand pages ago to leave her and he's STILL wailing on about love and destiny.

Believe me, believe us all, she's gonna be over you in no time. And you deliberately misled her back in September - how shitty was that eh?

Do everyone a favour. Meet her, tell her you are, and have been, a massive twat and walk away. Don't cry, don't blame the fucking universe and don't try to pretend you are anything other than a rather childish man with a massive helping of drama queen. Or, be brave and show her this thread. Watch her run for the hills.

I can't help feeling that we're only going to make him feel even more wronged. Self-obsessed twaddle indeed!

*You can only do that if a bit of you wanted them in the first place.

My girlfriend just phoned me, sounding very excited to be meeting me for a meal tonight.

I am sat here and realizing what i have done for the past 6 months.

Oh god i am dreading tonight.

You are being very cruel.

You're not man enough to be a father.

Yes maybe when she first raised this in March of last year and tried to finish it then, yes maybe i should have had the strength to walk away and accept it may not work out. But i fell in love and am paying the price
No, you were selfish in putting your own feelings of "love" beyond her dwindling biological clock and now you are BOTH paying the price, but her more than you. You'll split up and you'll find someone else, but she may never be able to have the child she wants because she left it too late. Because you strung her along. So you can FOTTFSOFAWYGTYCFOSM.

EVERY WOMAN wants a family
My very first ODFOD. And have a to go with it (my first of those too, well done!) Fuckin hell you must be on a wind up now surely! I wanted many things, but babies/family was not one.

Are there ANY women out there who want to be child free?
Of course there are FFS! I'm child-free by choice as I've mentioned up thread.

My girlfriend just phoned me, sounding very excited to be meeting me for a meal tonight.
In that case call her straight back and tell her that you have decided that you don't want children and spare the upset in the restaurant tonight. At the very least don't meet for dinner, meet for a goodbye chat. It's not a romatic date night FFS.

Jesus wept. 'I don't ever want to have kids. So if you do, we need to split up for good.' You do like a bit of drama, don't you.

Show her this thread. I guarantee she will not be excited to see you. She'll be kicking your whiney arse out the restaurant doors.

But you won't. Because I think you're actually just a goady fucker. Time you pissed off to www.iblametheuniverse.com.

I fell for this originally but now I don't think think this could possibly be real.

No, this needs to be talked about in person. We both knew it was on the cards sooner or later and i cant keep doing this its not fair or either of us.

" You bastard. Stringing her along because you 'decided you fell in love'.

You really think that all this chest beating and wailing and 'nobility' makes you a better man than your father don't you? "

You dont " decide " to fall in love. you fall in love when you fall in love. What was i meant to do, NOT explore this love i have never felt, and NOT attempt to get on her page?

Just give up at the first hurdle? I TRIED to make it work.

It does need to be talked about face-to-face - you owe her that after all this time and effort - but in a restaurant?

No, this needs to be talked about in person

Fair enough, but in a restaurant?! That's a dreadful idea. Or were you doing dinner at home? Something as emotional as a break up needs to be done in private, and as I said it's not a romatic date is it!

No, you didn't try to make it work because if you were any sort of decent person, you would have let her go way back when you first met her and she told you she wanted kids and you didn't. There would have been no 'falling' in love. 'I think you're great, but I never want kids so we should stop seeing each other.' The end. Easily done.

That being said, she's responsible for herself, too. If I were in her position I would have left a long time before this.

There are holes all over this tale, OP. You really should keep your story straight.
She's excited about dinner tonight?

user1462882883 Tue 10-May-16 15:14:42

We spoke last night and she effectively said that she is going to move on, not because she doesnt love me, but she has to for the baby. I totally understand, heartbroken but i cant give her what she wants.

I feel very cheated by the Universe in general. I wish i could be with her if things were different. She has agreed to meet me for a drink once a month to catch up, but no more dates or stayovers.

I feel so sad to be splitting up.

How did any of you get past this, if you went through a break up due to being on different pages?

At least give her the heads up before you meet her so she is under no illusion that you want to have a baby with her. I have a sneaking suspicion she is meeting you because she thinks you have changed your mind, and you won't actually come out and say it once. and. for. all. until you have had 3 hours in a restaurant wailing and torturing both of you.

don't want to have a baby with her

no i wont go to her home or at my home as that would create a painful memory. it needs to be a neutral venue.

I dont want to lose her. I love her so much. It will be so hard for us both to part tonight.

Life is a bastard. I wish she didnt want kids then we would be together. Or i wish i wanted kids.