I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

She raised it in Mach 2015 and we split up for two months. We missed each other really badly and ended up back together in May.

Neither of us said anything about the issue in May, we had a great summer but then she broke things off again in early September.

I was gutted and we spent 8 weeks apart. I then decided that I loved her and would challenge a lifetime of my beliefs, and contacted her to say i was opening up more to the idea of children.

We got back together in late November and i began counselling.

Fast forward to now and despite all i have tried, I cannot see myself as a parent and we are more in love now than ever, with no future in sight.

I am meeting her after work.

'Every woman wants a child' is probably the most revealing comment you have made on this thread btw. That's why you came to MN isn't it? So you could reinforce your self absorbed sexism self pity party of 'woah is me, I am noble but not meant for this world because women don't get me'. You genuinely thought you would get 'oh god give her a baby, all women want them and you can't deny her that' responses. You'd then get to partly blame MN as well as her when you walked out on your child after she wasn't focusing all her attention on you and you 'found it too difficult'....

I'm most sorry for her but I'm also sorry that you have chosen and continue to choose a life that is so sad and which causes such sadness for others (of not being self aware or responsible).

Lotta sorry, of course not all women want a family.

You were not a good guy for doing that, you are trying to dress up your decision to manipulate her back into a relationship with ideas of nobility.

You said it yourself. You never wanted children, you weren't trying to open yourself up, you just wanted to possess her.

You are more in love than ever with someone you described as almost a stranger?

You missed her. Pretty simple. Pretty common. Pretty boring.

Good luck tonight - make sure you don't mislead her again.

'Yes maybe when she first raised this in March of last year and tried to finish it then, yes maybe i should have had the strength to walk away and accept it may not work out.

But i fell in love and am paying the price.'

No maybe about it.

You are not paying the price of falling in love. You are not paying any price. She is.

You, are experiencing the inevitable consequences of buryinh your head in the sand and categorically refusing to listen or consider your girlfriend's needs and wishes.

So, 14 months you've strung her along and you're still doing so, whilst making yourself the victim.

You've done the worst thing you could possibly do to a woman in her situation.

Plenty of women want to be child-free. This one didn't. What on earth did you think would happen?

There's only one thing left to do now and it is set her free.

I feel so, so sorry for her that she's had this done to her.

Oh god there is a woman out there meeting the you tonight who is going to be subjected to hours of wailing, pain, describing how tortured you are, how life is soo unfair, how you have tried, you've been to counselling for her then you can go home and rage against the world, the universe that allowed you to love this woman over all others but she dared to want a baby.

Poor OP

i feel horrible. My girlfriend needs to have a baby, as soon as she can.

I would never live with myself if i was the reason she missed out.

I will walk away tonight as she need this more than anything in the world.

You are not paying the price of falling in love. You are not paying any price. She is.

Yes.
You've potentially RUINED HER LIFE.

You selfish, selfish nasty evil bastard.

At least admit that: at least stop talking about love. Men don't ruin women's lives and make them risk barren/childless life (if that is their fear) because they love them.

If you keep her, she will HATE you once the hot flushes start and that's that. Hate you deeply. Will you care? Well, you had the fun years out of her... meanwhile she's got another 30/40 years of yearning regret.

Vile human.

You are a fine specimen of a man OP. You are noble. You are not in the slightest bit dull your poor friends if they have to listen to this regularly with your constant moaning and wailing.

Walk away tonight. Don't forget to look over your shoulder sadly as you wave goodbye for the last time.

Oh what self obsessed crap your last post is.

You're not the only man this has ever happened too and you won't be the last. You're nothing special. Do the decent thing and stop being a twat.

If you truly loved her you would be straight with her instead of spouting all this bollocks.

The op is nothing special? He loves this almost stranger more than anything and anyone. Plus he said he could be a father for about 3 years before walking away. I think he is special, and a complete catch!

OP I have a suspicion that your ex will get over you more quickly than you think.

PLEASE dont say those things , in that way, squizita.

I am NOT keeping her. Why cant more of you see that it is hard for me as well? I have feelings as well as she does.

OP.

No one likes a whiney pops.

" OP I have a suspicion that your ex will get over you more quickly than you think "

What makes you think she will?

Sorry, sunnyoutside, didn't mean to shock you. You okay?

Probably because she doesn't sound like she's 12.

Oh what self obsessed crap your last post is.

Just the last post? That's very generous of you, goingtobe

It's ok Going I will recover ops ex will recover quicker though

OP because you sound like you are a teenager all full of angst. We like that when we are teens. As adults? Not so much.

Nothing wrong with you not wanting children. But dear God you don't half drag it out. Now you are meeting her tonight? Haven't your friends told you to stfu yet? Seriously, ask just one of your friends to be brutally honest with you.

People see it is hard but most people feel you have made it hard for yourself. Initially I was sympathetic because even if you made it hard for yourself people still deserve support/help when they are sad and in a mess right?

BUT, it is clear to me that your intention is to carry on using people to make up for your own easily resolved deficits. You blame everyone apart from yourself, you feel horrible for yourself. No clue what you've done and therefore there is no point even speaking to you.

Op does your name begin with M?