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Original poster

I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

1005 replies

user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 13:33

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/05/2016 10:14

How do you know you could be a father ? You might be firing blanks.

SauvignonPlonker · 12/05/2016 10:17

Perhaps you could have more clearly communicated your feelings at an earlier stage in the relationship, OP?

You have wasted a year of her dwindling fertility, indulging yourself. Your faffing around in the "maybe" has resulted in her upping the ante & issuing an ultimatum. She's going to end up hating you, sorry.

MusicIsMedicine · 12/05/2016 10:21

You know the answer, so why keep running it over it?

You need to phone her TODAY and start being honest.

Let her go.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 10:22

I have not had my fertility tested.

I did tell her at the start that i have never wanted children. But i tried counselling and changing my mind.

I think my dad being a crap dad has left me damaged in some way, and thinking either my son will hate me, or that i'll be a bad father to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 10:23

yes i'll phone her at lunchtime. I cant live with the guilt anymore. i think she knows anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 10:24

I wanted to buy a house with this woman.

I wanted to get engaged and then married.

To grow together and travel.

Explore new hobbies.

Come home to one another, all that security and warmth, love.

She thinks a child will add to the above happiness

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 12/05/2016 10:32

Now you are just taking the piss, OP, aren't you?

Or else you need to be slapped with a cod, really, really badly.

Offred · 12/05/2016 10:35

But you didn't. She doesn't believe a baby will add to what you want.

She wants to be a mother.

You want a child free future.

Saying that you love her, she's your soulmate, you will never get over her, you wanted to marry her etc, none of that is true because she wants to be a mother and that is a part of who she is.

Offred · 12/05/2016 10:38

I can see why she's given you so many chances but she shouldn't have done that because the underlying current in everything you say about her and your feelings about the future is 'If you stop wanting a baby'.

Wanting to marry someone who wants to become a parent when you want to remain child free is madness, I'm not sure what you think marriage is for/about?

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 10:38

offred do you think none of the other stuff ie love is real if she has a different life goal?

I mean, I feel a lot of love for my girlfriend for who she is now. Not based on a future projection of who she will become.

Many people have children with someone they dont love or even like. My parents for example.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 12/05/2016 10:39

I have read a lot of instances where the woman's love for the man outweighs her desire for a child, so she chooses the man.

Yep.

Then usually, once the woman is into her forties and no longer fertile, the man fucks off with someone younger and immediately starts a family with them.

Which it sounds like you would be happy to do here. Just run down her clock so you get her "best years" with promises of "maybe one day, when we've done X, Y and Z, and I'll think about it and go to counselling", and then once you've done that you change your mind and bugger off.

Seriously, you sound like such hard work. Just tell her already and stop going on about it.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 10:48

Why would i leave my girlfriend and start a family with someone else?

I have said i have close to zero percent want for a child now. That will not change as i get any older.

I am not " running down her clock", that is a horrible thing to imply. We fell in love and i tried a counsellor to get on her page. That is a noble thing to try, instead of either giving up altogether on this woman or recklessly having a child without proper due diligence.

Can i ask those of you who dont want children on here - how would you feel and then cope , if you met someone and fell totally in love with them, but had to walk away knowing you may never get close again

OP posts:
Offred · 12/05/2016 10:53

If you have fundamentally different life goals (such as this) and part of your expressions of love for them are talking about a planned future that the person can never have with you then no I don't think you really love them. You love your idea of them and what they could be if they were not them.

SauvignonPlonker · 12/05/2016 10:54

To answer your question: if I met & started a relationship with someone, in my 30's, I would establish, at a fairly early stage (within 3 months)what our life goals were & if these were compatible.

If they were fundamentally different eg wanting to emigrate v. not, children v. not, I would finish it. End of.

ToastDemon · 12/05/2016 10:55

Offred are you implying marriage is necessarily just for having children? I'm married and have no plans for children, got married because I loved DH and wanted the security and legal recognition.

user, as someone that doesn't want children I honestly don't know what I would have done. Luckily my DH was on the same page as me - well, he'd always assumed that he'd have children one day because whoever he married would probably want them and it's just what you do, isn't it?
But he got together with me and luckily agreed with me. Had he not.... it's hard to say. I was head over heels and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Maybe if he'd made it clear from the off that he wanted children I'd have gone along with it. If he changed his mind now I'd feel horribly hurt and betrayed.

Offred · 12/05/2016 10:56

I think the trying with counselling is not noble TBH. It's a bit selfish in that it is about trying to keep her and it is ill advised because you can't counsel yourself out of not wanting a child. That was running down her clock. The noble thing and the best thing for both of you would have been to identify that you weren't compatible at an early stage and not get involved in this drama and heartache which was entirely predictable and inevitable from the moment she said 'I want children' and you said 'I don't'.

Offred · 12/05/2016 10:57

No I'm implying marriage is about sharing a life together.

Offred · 12/05/2016 10:59

Don't be noble anyway, you just need to be responsible.

Offred · 12/05/2016 11:01

The more this thread goes on the more I think you are deeply insecure and trying to control the world around you and the people in it in order to alleviate the feelings of anxiety that brings.

OutToGetYou · 12/05/2016 11:02

She's not going to have a child this year, is she? Unless she's pregnant already. It's May and they take nine months to come to the boil.

Thethingswedoforlove · 12/05/2016 11:07

There is a big difference between not having an active desire to have a child and actively having a desire not to have a child. Be clear op that you are in the second camp before throwing away the relationship of your life. But if you are in the second camp then it seems impossible for you and your partner to remain together.

MyKingdomForBrie · 12/05/2016 11:11

For Gods sake why haven't you broken up with this woman yet. It's not your fault you don't want a child but you need to stop being all existential and break up with her because she really is running out of time so fast.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 11:13

you mean be clear i am in the first camp?

OP posts:
Offred · 12/05/2016 11:13

I don't think it matters at all which camp he is in. He isn't ready for accepting the responsibility, he doesn't want to accept the responsibility and he has already thought about his escape route, which is based on pretty crappy reasons TBF therefore setting himself up to fail and giving himself permission to dump a child he might have. It would be exceedingly cruel to have a child in those circumstances.

There would be a lot of 'trying' and failing to do the responsible thing and that is because the op has already decided that he believes it is fine to walk away from his child and be a weekend dad if he finds it hard...

Suninseptember · 12/05/2016 11:13

OP sounds like a teen.
I repeat for all the other posters:
Let. Her. Go!
Stop pining over what if! You want different things. Move on. She's prepared to move on with or without you.
You're the one digging your heels in with your poor me attitude.
Let the woman go.

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