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Original poster

I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

1005 replies

user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 13:33

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

OP posts:
Suninseptember · 12/05/2016 11:14

20 pages you know!

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 11:15

" big difference between not having an active desire to have a child and actively having a desire not to have a child "

Aren't these both the same thing?

Could you explain the difference please

OP posts:
Offred · 12/05/2016 11:18
  1. Absence of desire for a child, 2. Presence of desire to not have a child.
ExConstance · 12/05/2016 11:20

As a slightly older than usual Mumsnetter I've had experience of this scenario amongst friends and relations. One of my lovely cousins, now over 50 had a succession of serious girlfriends who all left him because he would not have children, he was totally certain of this. He then married a rather authoritarian woman who refused to take no for an answer and is now the doting father of two daughters, a totally committed family man.
I have a friend who married a man who not only refused to have children he also had a vasectomy in his 20's to ensure it didn't happen, she has led a gilded life with him but always on his terms and deeply regrets not having any children.
I've seen it happen time and time again that Mr "no children" does go on to have children with a different partner. My own DH was very reluctant to have a second child, but when he saw my deep unhappiness he eventually agreed, and is very pleased he did as we now have two grown up sons who get on really well and bring a rounded synergy to the family.
My own gut feeling is that if you love this woman you would love your child, even the difficult bits of parenting have their own rewards, none of us would have more than one if it was all that dreadful. You are however 40 and at that age very set in your ways. You have two choices either to change your mind now or to do the decent thing and end the relationship as amicably as possible.
There is no force of nature or emotion stronger than a woman's desire for a baby, it is the biological requirement of life and she needs t be able to find someone else if you will not agree.

AyeAmarok · 12/05/2016 11:24

Yes, OP. You are just so noble.

You don't love her. You love a version of her that you would like her to be.

My God, if you're dragging out this breakup as much as you're dragging out this thread then no bloody wonder she's already finished with you and is making other plans in her head that don't involve you.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 11:27
  1. Absence of desire for a child, 2. Presence of desire to not have a child.

I have both of the above.

I dont have a desire for a child. And when i think of my lifestyle and freedom now, it gives me desire to not have a child

OP posts:
Hydroshield · 12/05/2016 11:31

OFFS!!

I dont have a desire for a child

So don't fucking father one. Do the decent thing and end your relationship with 'this woman' . Although I'm sure I read days ago that you two had already split.

Lemonylemon · 12/05/2016 11:36

OP: Just let her go already. You're drawing out this drama when you know what the answer is already. You're just annoying people with your hair splitting.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 11:36

I know. I wish i had never met her now.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 11:37

" She's prepared to move on with or without you. "

She doesn't seem overly upset about that either, which upsets me.

OP posts:
whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 12/05/2016 11:37

Nah, the OP is just looking for some way in which he can string her along for a bit longer.

Hydroshield · 12/05/2016 11:38

And he's doing the same thing with thread, hill !

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 11:43

I have a question for you:

Put yourself in her shoes. You are 36 and desperate for a baby.

When you meet someone, even if he IS on the same page as in he wants a child, BUT he wants a courtship with you first ( a year or 18 months as a couple at least), before trying for a child.

Even though your body clock is ticking furiously and you feel you dont have time for a courtship , would you still rush him into getting you pregnant?

How would you balance it?

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 12/05/2016 11:48

Why does it matter? You don't want children, she does! How the schematics works is irrelevant to you...

squizita · 12/05/2016 11:54

That is a noble thing to try,

Hmm and once again you cast yourself as the noble prince in this fairytale.

  1. Nothing wrong with not wanting kids: not a mental issue
  2. Everything wrong with stringing her along in her late 30s while you try something that might/might-not work etc etc.

Not noble. Aaaaaallll aaaaabbbboooouuuuutttt yyyoooouuuu.
And your imaginary perfect "girl", who outwardly resembles her.

sunnyoutside · 12/05/2016 11:56

Head meet wall.

OP do you have good friends around you?

Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 11:57

I just want your viewpoint on how the woman thinks in this situation.

How can the woman think she can rush a man into getting her pregnant if he wants a courtship first?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1462882883 · 12/05/2016 11:57

i do have some good friends who i have spoken to about this

OP posts:
squizita · 12/05/2016 11:58

She doesn't seem overly upset about that either, which upsets me.

Woman isn't Disney Princess version of her. Isn't all about OP. Reserves some love and respect for her own life choices.

After a year of being messed about, you should be grateful she's not happy to get rid of you.

Every time she sees you, bear in mind she's torn by how you might have wasted 12 of those precious ageing eggs of hers navel gazing. Many women would hate you for wasting that time.

ElBurroSinNombre · 12/05/2016 12:02

But you are not on the same page so your question is irrelevant.
Loving someone means taking their wishes and desires into account - you are not prepared to do that so you must let her go and also move on yourself.

FelicityGubbins · 12/05/2016 12:02

Not all people have years long courtship, it actually used to be very common to go from meeting to married and pregnant within 12-18 months, and some men also want children and are happy to settle down into family life sooner rather than later.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 12/05/2016 12:03

User, so many questions which you didn't need to ask, because the bottom line is you "have an urge not to have a child". It really is that simple. You don't want kids, she does, move on. Maybe after years of counselling you will know definitely yes or no, but she doesn't have the time to wait for you to get your head together.

My father was very emotionally distant and i have never really spoken to him...my dad was a crap husband and father, but he did stick around and not walk out.
Maybe he never wanted children.

Can i ask those of you who dont want children on here - how would you feel and then cope , if you met someone and fell totally in love with them, but had to walk away knowing you may never get close again
I'm old enough to realise that relationships come and go. I dont believe in soul mates (I haven't since a teen FFS!), so I'd know my heartbreak would pass in time and I'd get another partner. Most probably a partner who I was more suited to, and look back and think how amazing that I was so convinced at the time the ex was right for me, but comparing him to the new man I can see he wasn't. That I was just so desperate for the relationship to work that I didn't see it.

Tim Minchin on soulmates for you OP.
Brilliant! Puts it into perspective doesn't it.

sunnyoutside · 12/05/2016 12:03

What do your good friends say about it?

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 12/05/2016 12:07

Because essentially your future plans are incompatible.

What do you want from the thread OP?

You don't want a baby - as per lots of posters here, and you've responded to them, that's fine. you don't need therapy or treatment about it, many adults have that preference.

She does want a baby - as per lots of posters, please don't father a child to try and keep your current relationship on a ventilator for a few months/years longer and then abandon them when you find its not the relationship you signed up for. You already know you don't want this and wouldn't cope well with it, particularly a situation where life revolves around the child's needs and emotions and the adults will go very much on the back burner for years. Men have responsibility in fathering children.

Your life plans/relationship plans are incompatible - hence consistent advice that it's time to move on and both of you find partners that are a better fit.

You're sad about this and worried that you may not find love like this again - we hear that too. However that's the risk we all take and it's life. If may be that the greatest love of your life is someone you meet next week or next month.

Were you looking for encouragement to pull it together, have this child and make a go of it? I don't get the feeling that you've heard what you're waiting to hear.

AyeAmarok · 12/05/2016 12:07

How can the woman think she can rush a man into getting her pregnant if he wants a courtship first?

BUT YOU DON'T WANT A COURTSHIP FIRST!

You don't want a child, EVER. You've made that clear, to us. You've told her you might if she let's you drag the relationship out for a few more years. But you don't.

Tell her you don't want a child. Ever. Not with her. Not with anyone else.

So just stop flogging a dead horse.

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