I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

Surely no one could be such a self-absorbed man-child for real?

backinthebox Whether this op is for real I have no idea but I do know men who are exactly like the op presents himself.

Is she hoping if you split you might be a sperm donor for her then take a look at the child when born and fall in love with it? It's heartbreaking to think.

Hey! I know! I have the solution!

Just tell her to go and marry someone else who will serve as the stud father of her child and you can still be her lover and have your jollies with her!

After all, it's all about your not having to make a heart wrenching decision, isn't it?

Let her go. Let her be with someone who wants what she wants. You're being selfish to keep her hanging on in the hope you'll come round.

OP I think you are in love with one side of this woman. The side that likes to go for dinners, weekends away, holidays. But this isn't the real her- she is a mother (she just doesn't have the child yet).

When I left my long term partner who didn't want kids he was cut up. To him he had the perfect relationship doing all the things 'he' wanted. But I was unfulfilled. He loved the fun loving girl who didn't tie him down. But that wasn't me, I wanted a family, a home, security. At one point, he 'agreed' to have a child with me but I realised that I didn't want to have a child with someone who was not fully committed. See that's what I realised too- in the kind of relationship I wanted, I want someone who shares my dream of being a family.

The best thing I ever did was walk away from the guy who was not everything I truely wanted. Forgive me for saying this OP, but I hope your lady does the same because it's clear you aren't going to be the one for her.

You are not being selfish and she is not being selfish. You just want different things. You could:
Have a child and its wonderful (why didn't I do this before)
Have a child and its awful but you stay
Have a child and its awful and you go (single dad being so much worse)
She goes off has a child on her own (both happy)
She has a child on her own then you get back together (looking after another mans child)
You split up and are miserable without her
The list is endlessssssssss

I hate to get all Freudian but I do think a lot of your issues with being a father is related to you not wanting to be like your father.

But that aside - it's not fair for either of you to do something that'll make the other happy.

She is far more invested in having a child than she is in having a relationship with you. this

Not being funny but i wonder if we will see this in the mail tommorow, i could be utterly wrong and i will apologise if i am but hmmmmm smacks to me of a story.

^ exactly. Why I stopped indulging tje question asking dimbo replying. Give it a few weeks, tho usually sooner.

of course I haven't read all 18 pages...

don't compromise. Either of you.

People read the mail?!?!?

I just wanted to add something my husband suggested - I'm not sure it's ethical at all and I'm not sure it's even a good idea but it does offer a way to be together with a way out.

OK here goes (this is very controversial lol) ... I read the posts to him and he shrugged and said "If she's going to have a baby with someone else anyway and time is running out, she may as well become pregnant with a donor child. That way if it was a terrible mistake they could split up and he wouldn't have any obligation to stay or to support the child. If he likes it, he can have more biological children with her. If not, she had the child she wanted anyway". His view was that with the time constraint she wouldn't really have enough time to find someone else and establish a stable relationship anyway, so she runs the risk of ending up a single parent anyway.

I was mortified at first, I have to admit and DH at least had the decency to laugh after he said it, but the more i thought about it, the less mortifying it began to sound. It's not even a case of "think about the child" because this baby would never be born without this situation so it's giving life to a person who otherwise wouldn't exist. Better to exist with an absent donor father than to not exist at all perhaps?

Before I get flayed alive, it's not my suggestion and it does feel very unethical. But I do firmly believe that people can love a non-biological child as much as a biological one so that makes me feel a bit better.

Anyway, mercenary as it sounds, I felt compelled to put it out there

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it's horrible but am sorry to say I think separating is the best thing to do. Why? Because as much as she loves you, her first Iove is for a child. That's why you have split twice and she is now giving you a 3rd ultimatum. She has a yearning for a child which is stronger than her yearning for Mr right.

Having a child can be really hard and involves an awful lot of sacrifices. That's hard enough when you want children, if you don't then , unless you fall head over heels with them when they are born, there is a really good chance you will resent your child and possibly partner for having to making these sacrifices that you didn't want in the first place. There is also a very good chance that you will feel forgotten about/2nd place, at least for the first few months, where she won't have it in her to be the partner she was and the baby will take up most of her energies and thoughts.

My husband and I both wanted children and as much as we love them, for us, we both feel in hindsight we would have been just as happy, if not happier without them as a couple. Our relationship was incredibly strong and we had them when we did due to our age rather than the fact that we had done most of what we wanted to do together first and we were fully ready. (E.g There are trips we wanted to do that we have had to put on hold for about 10 yrs that come in conversation fairly regularly). . We had been together 3 years before having kids so had done a lot together but we had/have plenty of other dreams that are on hold for a while.

I think the type of children you have can make difference. Neither of mine have been what I call calm, easy children, particularly our oldest and that has made parenting a lot harder and has at times put a strain on our relationship. Before we had kids, we never argued. I would say 80% of the arguments we have are caused by our differences of opinion of how to handle the kids or the extra workload involved with kids / tiredness. We are still very happy and now the kids are a bit older, more and more of our relationship is coming back to how it was as we are able to focus on each other a lot more again as they get more independent but my worry for you is if you don't want children, you won't be happy having that period of putting you relationship lower down on the pecking order.

The only other thing to think about though, is if you do split, ,when looking for your next relationship, be prepared that the next person you meet may also want children or the older you get, is likely to have children already.

I really hope though that you find the relationship you desire and your partner finds the man she wants to have kids with quickly and has no problems conceiving.

Very best wishes to both of you

Move on. She wants one thing, you don't, and in this case there is no compromise.

Don't have coffees or monthly meet ups; put your energy into someone else who is "on the same page."

My Dad didn't want children. My mum said it was children or her.
He loves us (I think. He's never told us)He's proud of us. But a loving father, nope. No hugs, no rushing to our defence, no contact unless he wants something (that's all down to mum) no 'above all others' - it's very clear to us both that my mum is his top priority. If there was a fire, he'd get her out first!
Let me tell you, it's a bit shit.

This woman wants children, you don't so let her go. She has a limited amount of time before it becomes impossible for her. If you change your mind then you can still have them in years to come. As the cheesy songs say 'if you love her let her go' - let her find a man who wants to create the life she wants with her.

I think that neither of you are wrong, and you have both been honest about your feelings. She may have hoped your feelings would change over time and you would come round to the idea of children but she has now realised that hasn't happened. For many women the desire for a child is much stronger than anything else, and the ultimatum now is because her biological clock is ticking very loudly and even if she accepts a life without children now I think she will resent you later. It sounds as though this will be a deal breaker for her - heartbreaking for you both but it's one of the few issues in a relationship that's much too big to compromise on. I hope you can both be happy but sadly I don't think it will be with each other

Sometimes a partner can live without children as their love for their spouse is enough and strong enough to make it work. No way does that sound the case here.

I have read a lot of instances where the woman's love for the man outweighs her desire for a child, so she chooses the man.

I am utterly heartbroken and numb yes. The more thought I give it, the more i realise that my girlfriend is on a mission and i am just the man who was on the scene at the time when her baby fever hit fever pitch.

I am the only passenger on her flight. She has said to me many times " I am going to have a child this year, either with someone or on my own"

It feels like the love of a man is secondary and not important at all in fact. Surely most women want to find love?

" OP I think you are in love with one side of this woman. The side that likes to go for dinners, weekends away, holidays. But this isn't the real her- she is a mother (she just doesn't have the child yet). "

I have been in denial of this for 8 months. This side of her is the woman i love and want to be with forever. So that we can live this type of live, forever.

But as you say , while she has done a little bit of this with me, the TRUE her, the real her is a mother. Or mother to be. And once she is a mother, that is that.

I am a man. I could be a father if i wanted to be. But having my own child, across a typical day, never even crosses my mind. And when it does, i dont feel any elation about the prospect of having a child of my own , is that ok? I dont feel anything at all.

Oh seriously FFS. She's made her feelings plain. What 'most women's any is neither here nor there. She's chosen baby, not alleged soulmate. Move along.

*most women want is

And don't have a baby you don't want to try and hold what sounds like a pretty shitty relationship together.

What's wrong with people?!!?

"my worry for you is if you don't want children, you won't be happy having that period of putting you relationship lower down on the pecking order. "

I think you are right, the change in lifestyle and relationship with my girlfriend would be something i would struggle to accept for a long time, especially during our best years together.