I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

sunny, same here re mine.

Although I somehow don't think this is real now.

user, have you posted before?

You don't want a baby. She does. Where's the dilemma? Seems pretty cut and dried to me.
Move on.

You don't want the same things out of life. I suspect she's not in love with you and you're not in love with her. She's looking for a father to her children and you're looking for someone.

You don't talk about her like she's your partner or even another human being - I'm imagining an ethereal being or maybe a disney princess? Take her off that bloody pedestal. You will get over her, she will get over you.

Your angst ridden updates are starting to lack credibility and I'm struggling to take you seriously.

Might sound harsh but I think you need a bit of a reality check.

Baby or no baby, life changes and no one and nothing stays the same forever and you cannot avoid responsibility of some kind forever.

What would you do if she became seriously ill? If her hair fell out or she had her boobs chopped off? An accident? Mental health problems? Or died?

The reality of life is we have no investment in tomorrow.

It is natural for people to change. Life events change people. You simply couldn't expect her to stay the same forever whether she has a baby or not.

Hi all,

It is extremely emotionally draining for me in coming to terms with this. I am so upset that I cannot be with this woman and not because of anything either of us have done wrong per se.

I am relieved to hear that there is nothing wrong with me in not wanting to have a child and be a parent. You are right - in an ideal world i would love to be with this woman as she is now, but that is not going to happen

Not as emotionally draining as this thread......

It clearly is. It doesn't need to be.

I think it will be good if you can unravel some of the stuff that's causing these difficulties in therapy.

offred i think so too - i know i wont get over this woman for a long time and i need help with that. ive never had this much of a click before

Oh dear god......

I don't think it is anything to do with this woman that you need to come to terms with, it is yourself IMO.

And I mean that kindly

If you accept the inevitable and move on it will be far less emotionally draining!

Have you never had a relationship with another woman?

Be pleased that there is nothing either of you have done wrong and accept it. You can think of your time together fondly rather than with bitterness. You're the one that has decided that you won't get over the woman for a long time...despite talking about how you've not yet met many relationship "milestones".
You don't live with her, you've not even been on holiday together. This is not a serious relationship. You're just deciding you won't get over her for a long time. I truly believe it is a relationship you want, not this woman and you don't want to have to admit that she's not the one. She isn't. That's clear.

I feel like I'm being unsympathetic and I'm not meaning to be but I also feel you need a bloody good shake! Get out of your head and into the world, if you need counselling to help you do that then embrace it with both hands.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head by expressing your fear or unwillingness to change. DS' dad has been stuck in a lifestyle adopted since uni days, nothing in his life has changed and that is the way he wants it. It's the knowing you have to change to be an effective parent, whether you like it or not, that creates the fear. In his case, he didn't change a thing in the end so I leave him to it.
Also, it's being willing to accept that you will never be the most important person in your DP's life again. The main change is that your child will always come first. If you want full attention all the time, that will leave you feeling sidelined.

OP: "
To the women on here who do not want a child, would any of you ever think of having a baby because the man you are in love with, and who loves you, wants a baby?

You will get to keep this man in your life, if you have a child with him. How is it from the other side so to speak?"

Hi OP,
No, I would not try for a baby even if my husband really wanted it. I would be heart-broken, of course, but if it was something he really wanted, I would want things to end so he could have the chance to have children with somebody else. We are very fortunate that we both ended up on the same childfree page having gone into the marriage each thinking children would be part of the picture. Unfortunately, this is something about which there is simply no compromise.

I totally empathise with your dilemma. You have very strong feelings for this woman and can see how having children with her could turn out wonderfully. And it certainly could. As a childfree person, I suppose my feeling would always be not to do it unless you are absolutely sure, but I know plenty of people who went into it with doubts and found parenthood a fantastically fulfilling and enriching experience. So, in short, I don't know what to advise you!

What I will say is you need to decide now, like straight away. Which is horrible, but your partner does not have time to wait around. She just doesn't. I wish you all the best, and contentment in whatever decision you both come to.

There's no way I'd have another baby if DH wanted it, and we are very happily married and have been together 22 years!

Therapy can take years or never fully resolve issues. Even if past issues are understood, that doesn't mean the OP would want to be dad at that point either. Those who choose not to be parents don't all have issues and may simply not want kids. An ultimatum of this weekend is a joke I a relationship that's seen a couple of breakups in its first year and they've not even lived together!

Why are you referring to her as "this woman/girl"?

You've been together under a year and had several break ups and lots of drama and pressure because she is worried about her fertility. You really don't want DC.

Hardly a good basis for becoming parents.

Why are you referring to her as "this woman/girl"

What would you prefer, the cats mother

The OP clearly loves her and doesn't see those terms as derogatory.

I do wish the professionally offended could learn to look at the intent behind the use of words they take exception to as not all of us are so apt to get upset when it's clearly not meant that way

I did get pregnant because my h wanted a child. I had naturally conceived twins very unexpectedly and with no family history.

I already had two children.

I have had to get on with it. I was kept at home with the DC because h wouldn't support me working and so me leaving the family to live on my own would have been incredibly cruel since I was the primary carer and he is not the father to my two eldest. I left him am doing a degree and voluntary work in the area of my degree and he has now changed his 'impossible to change' working hours so he can have them (all) 50/50 and so I don't 'take his children away' - which is rather ironic but Ho hum.

My first two's dad, as I mentioned was very abusive and after he raped me just ran off with someone else. I was always on my own with the first two without any choice.

I just had to cope with it and put my feelings about reduced choices to one side and choose to work with the life I had - be good at parenting. I never wanted children before I had them. Perhaps I would have changed my mind who knows.

Anyway, that's how I know that anyone can do it if they accept and commit to the responsibility, whether or not they really chose to or wanted to or planned to do it.

If you have a child/children you have a responsibility to them. You can't just run away from it or take it back. You have to step up. If you don't you are making a child bear the consequences of your failures.

If you don't want to commit to a child and you have been given a choice it is insane to just have one and think it will improve your life in any way.

What type of person makes a child bear the consequences of their failings as an adult? What does that say about them as a person? How likely are they ever to be happy?

I think if you did make the choice to ditch a child you agreed to just to make her happy it would not be something you could walk away from scot free and just have a happy life... Not unless you are a sociopath anyway... The child and what you did would always be in the back of your mind.

It would certainly cause me to (justifiably) feel I was not a good person. Not if I had no real issues to prevent me living up to my responsibilities than 'I don't like this, it is difficult and makes me feel low'.

And last year I did an amazing internship in San Francisco for 1 month in the area of my degree and am presenting at the public health conference in June for one of my voluntary roles (not in the area of my degree) after I (with no public health exp) wrote an abstract which was accepted by the panel. I had more success than the consultant in public health who wrote our abstract last year!

I guess what I am saying is what I have learned is when you can make choices for yourself, when you feel your choices have been taken away accept things you can't change, and adjust your view - look for choices in places you weren't expecting. Be actively involved with shaping your own life. Don't be ashamed of who you are and don't treat others badly.

Then you stand a good chance at being happy.

In your case, don't have a baby with 'this woman'. Have therapy to address your insecurities - I have and it is life changing.

Urgh, the term "professionally offended" to shut down objections to objectionable things is almost as bad as "this woman".

Some men walk away from parenting and even paying basic maintenance. It's shit and pathetic to have DC and not step up.

OP thinks that should he become a parent, he might not be able to handle it and that he might become a "weekend dad" to "recover myself". The relationship also sounds dodgy. So it's best that he doesn't have DC at this time.

OP, I wonder what your girlfriend would think if she read your posts.....I suspect the more she read the faster she would run.

YY Dozer it just belittles and makes people look silly-PC. Actually I reckon even my very un-PC dear departed Catholic-as-the-day-is-long grandmother would agree that "this woman" and "girl" are not respectful and that he is being childish and wasting his partner's tine rather than treating her as a well rounded adult person.

let her go, let her go.....

Honestly you need to be frank with her, tell her you don't want kids and let her go because this desire of a child for her will not diminish and it would be unfair on her to keep that hope up that you may change your mind, especially as she's 37.

Do the right thing, let her go

If it isn't a "hell yes!" then it's a "no".
Do the split as you say you are going to do. And actually do a bonafide split-not some gray area of maybe step parent, meet once a month crap or other tosh. You can come here for post break up support or go to your counselor for dealing with separation anxiety.

When your girlfriend has a baby, she will grow up more and yes, change. That just goes with the territory. This doesn't count the struggles to cope with the intense fatigue (which is just about the 3 year window you cited).

Imho, you may suggest to your counselor that you are suffering from arrested development and are experiencing a failure to evolve. Or AF is bang to rights on the M/W assessment.