I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

user I began reading this thread thinking how articulate you were, how pained you sounded about the very difficult decision you faced.....then I continued reading and with each post you have made yourself sound more self centred and....well....rather like a man child.

Your would need to move out after 3 years and recover yourself?! All I could think was what a tosspot you sounded when I read that gem.

You have been together for a year with a couple of splits and you seem to think that should be applauded yet me and oh have managed 8 years with 0 splits

What a lot of wanky navel gazing. I could probably have written some of it myself before I had kids
You don't lose yourself. Your life isn't on hold for 18 years. It changes. Adventure is all about change surely. I have been given back far more from my experience of having children than I have sacrificed for them.

Autumn - you can fall in love with someone without the need to share their innermost dream.

I didnt ask her if she wanted kids or not on Date 1, and then decided ooh i wont get to know you and fall in love.

We fell in love across the year we spent together, with the 2 split ups.

Offred - i love her but of course i am terrified of her personality change when she becomes a mother. It happens. She wont be the girl i know and love now any longer.

Now you're just looking like you're on a wind up.

Tim Minchin on soulmates for you OP. By the way, she is a woman not a girl.

offred - i am seeing the counsellor again to explore those areas, especially emotional resilience and thinking i will never get over my girlfriend now.

newto - i am pained , and i didnt mean the 3 year thing to come over like that. Please bear with me as i have a very agonising decision to make now before i lose her forever. Its my toughest ever decision i have had to make.

As ever, Toby Ziegler from The West Wing put it best:

"[on having kids]....nothing's going to be important anymore....I like what's important to me. I want it to stay important. I want to be able to do it well."

Although Toby went on to have kids, so who knows....

You won't be the boy she knows either. Because each of you will have found something outside of yourselves that you would put first in the world. Don't do it if you're not up to it, though you might be surprised at how much it could mean to you.

And sorry but one year with two break ups already sounds like a pretty shit relationship.

Right that's it, I can't take any more used ! That last post is the final straw!

She won't be the person you know and love any more?! Have you fucking heard yourself?! Get a grip and man up ffs. Tell her it's over, that you definitely do not, under any circumstances, want a baby because you're not father material but fgs don't try that bullshit that it will be her fault.

Having a baby doesn't change who you are, how you feel, what you think. Women do not suddenly become redefined because they have a baby, a shadow of their former selves. I actually became more fun when my ds was born as I felt it my duty to show him how enjoyable life can be.

Of course the dynamics of your relationship will change, the baby takes priority, and my guess is that you're actually more concerned that the attention won't be on you in your 'it should all be about meeeee!' World.

Its not really a decision though is it? the decision is made for you. You are at polar opposites. Most men would just say 'I dont want to be a parent' and leave it at that , but all the counselling etc etc to deal with your childhood and you STILL dont want children, well, you definitely dont want children and she does and that's that. It soulds like you are scared of being alone rather than being really in love

I don't think I've felt such angst about a relationship since I was about 16. But I do suspect the OP is actually rather enjoying it all. Star-crossed lovers and so on is all so romantic.

user, really in the nicest way possible - it ain't love. You said that you are terrified of not meeting someone like her again. This is not love for another person. This is fear for yourself.

I love my husband. Am I terrified that I will not meet anyone like him if he dies? No. It'll be shit, don't get me wrong, but I know I'll live. Is he terrified of being without me? I really hope he is not as that would make him a dependent child and not a self-sufficient adult.

She won't be the person you know and love any more?! Have you fucking heard yourself?! Get a grip and man up ffs. Tell her it's over, that you definitely do not, under any circumstances, want a baby because you're not father material but fgs don't try that bullshit that it will be her fault.

SHE IS NOT YOUR FUCKING DREAM DOLLY. She is under no obligation to be anyone's dream girl. This isn't the 1950s.

Don't blame her for being a person, not a dream image created for you, a person. With their own dreams and desires that don't have to match yours.

THIS is what your counsellor needed to address with you.

Mardy, I love that song and think its genius. I barked with laughter the first time I heard it. DP was sitting next to me like this

OP, I think I get where you were coming from with the 3 year comment. You feel that you couldn't cope with the relentlessness, the day-in-day-out full on experience of being a parent. I'm pretty sure I couldn't either. But as others have said, if you do become a parent, there's no walking away. That would not be your choice to make anymore.

There is no decision to make. You have made it already. You don't want to be a parent. You're not even ambivalent about it - its something you do not want. You feel an urge to not be a father.

So walk away. Let her go and live the life she wants.

...oh but you didn't say person you said GIRL.

Yup. A child and saggy tits will mean she's definitely not your dolly and her own child will mean all her love's not for you.

Like PP I did sympathise - now I think you're a nasty piece of work frankly. All the worse because you don't realise how controlling/entitled you actually are.

I hate to say this, but i would potentially last around 3 years and then not physically or mentally be able to continue being a parent. I would end up probably moving out and going to live alone again, to recover myself.

Then don't. Please don't. Don't do that to a child who will depend on you emotionally, financially, in every way, and will be damaged by you walking away to recover, while leaving child and mother to get on as best they can without you. If so much doubt is already in your mind that you have an exit plan then you have your answer.

It has nothing to do with not wanting to do it - there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a parent, it does not mean there is a lack in you. It has more to do with whether responsibly you should do it. You need to let this woman go and you both need to find partners with compatible plans and desires. That's what a long term relationship basically is.

If anyone is in any doubt about what a Madonna Whore Complex in it's infancy looks like...here you have an example of it.

Knock it on the head OP. What you want is the relationship you have now with your girlfriend.

The one thing that is absolutely certain about having a child is that your relationship will never be the same ever again, it will take a back seat to all the soul beating drudgery of raising a small child. It can be a miserable business even if you want the child, if you get one that cries constantly etc.

There are plenty of women who don't want children, do some internet dating and find one of those.

If anyone is in any doubt about what a Madonna Whore Complex in it's infancy looks like...here you have an example of it.

And I dread to think what would happen when the fixations with perfection were focused on a child. "Dream child should like sport/academics to match up to ideal ... real child fails to be like that ... angst/pain/guilt..."

Good god, with every message you start to sound more and more like my ex. The wailing, the angst, the paaaiiiin

OP Do you sit at the window when it is raining listening to love songs?

the more he says the more he sounds like an utter ....................

....... bridge dweller ?

AF, reported yesterday....

Do this 'girl' a favour and cut her loose.