I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

I agree with autumnmadness

havalina1, did you not read the parts of the thread where OP has repeatedly stated that he doesn't want to have a baby, even after discussing the issue in counselling, and trying as hard as he can to 'force' himself to find the urge to be a dad ?

Its lovely that its all worked out for you, but its not like that for everyone.

I think that a very large number of people simply don't admit in real life that they are scared of having children one day. It's just not part of our society as family life is valued so much etc etc. Problem is that it hides so much about the actually parenthood journey. I think we could do with educating our youth what it's all about. I am sure some people who really want kids can turn out to be crappy parents forever. And vice Versa. So you need to sit down and break it down into next five years and see what it will bring into your life without focusing on whether you have "paternal feelings" right now or not. The first ever truly heady feeling of love was when I saw into the eyes of my first baby and felt like I was never going to be out of love again. I absolutely loved DH. But Oh this was another level. I absolutely loathd being around children before that. I hardly remember picking any children in my adult life actually.

Stop wasting her time and acting like a twat.
^ sums up thread in nine words.

It is a fear of change.

I am too afraid of life with a baby at first. Afraid of the permanent change in every aspect of my life. And fear of the change in my girlfriend, and our relationship.

I have discussed this with my girlfriend, the fear. And all she said was she knows it could be brutal but we will be ok and survive the 4am feeds and no sleep.

After that it is the fear of this being a non reversible decision, if i come to realise that it is not for me after all.

Weatherwax,

You have summarised a lot of valid points about how a child changes your life in every way imaginable. I went through a fair few similar points with the counsellor in a bid to explore why i am avoiding fatherhood to this degree.

Autumn, you are right, i am maybe searching for a paternal feeling that is never going to be there. But surely men who want a child experience SOMETHING deep inside, a yearning? a yearning which makes them act on it, in order to make it a reality?

But see it is the wrong question.

Fear of change is completely irrelevant. It is not what you should be preoccupied with.

Do you want to accept the responsibility even if you find out after that it is difficult? Are you prepared to accept the consequences? Really deep inside?

Being a parent is difficult for everyone. It is just part of life, sometimes things are difficult and not within your control and you have to find ways to cope and succeed.

If you are just not prepared to accept the responsibility that is that (and is fine) but you must let her go and that will be the best thing for both of you.

Being a parent is not something that you will not be able to do it is something you seem to be afraid that you feel you will give up on if you find it hard. That says to me you are not committed to the responsibility at the necessary degree in order to give her an answer within the time frame she requires it.

Lots of people simply want a child because they want to 'have' something of 'theirs', some have unrealistic expectations and are naive about the reality, some want to give love and commitment to nurturing another person.

Oh bloody hell, move on and let your ex move on too. If you carry on with all this navel gazing I am pretty sure she won't you to be a parent with her anyway. Get up, move on one way or another. There is thinking things through sensibly and there is just plain pain in the arse angst.

*Lottapianos", I hear what you are saying, but this is precisely the matter. OP is not talking about not wanting to have children, but "not having the urge." What's this urge? I never felt the urge to be a mother. I just wanted it in a rather non-emotional planned project way. And was rather scared that I would not love it. What about parents of disabled children? Do they feel the urge to have a disabled child before they have one? I doubt it. They just deal with it as adults when the situation arises. A child is not a vanilla ice-cream where you definitely know what it tastes like and whether you want one or not. It's scary. But life generally is. I just don't think that we can somehow purge life of all uncertainty and always be able to find that one perfect urge or a perfect denial of something.

Offred,

I would find it very difficult to bear the consequences and responsibility for being a parent for the next 18 years. That would take me up to age 58.

I would try my best for the child, but i will miss my relationship as well as the things she and i used to do. I hate to say this, but i would potentially last around 3 years and then not physically or mentally be able to continue being a parent. I would end up probably moving out and going to live alone again, to recover myself.

I CAN be a parent, but you are right , I am afraid that parenting will defeat me as a person, to the point where i will feel so low i would suffer.

I think i have my answer, because i do love this woman, but what she is asking me to do is something so big, so serious, that i am simply not built for it. Plus she will no longer be the same girl she is now, her mindset will change and i wont know who she is anymore.

sadly I will have to tell her that i do love her but the life she is asking me to step into is not a world i will survive in.

Autumn - the fact you say you " just wanted it" , that is an urge in itself.

Otherwise you would have not had it.

user1462882883, some men feel it and some men don't. It's really just that. Some men who feel the yearning turn out to be shit dads, and some that don't end up loving their children very much.

But I really do wish that we did not make the feelings so central. There is more to parenthood than just this perfect feeling of love. It's a job. Just as marriage is not just about love, but about whether you are prepared to do the dishes, mate socks and wipe your spouses's bottom when they get Alzheimer's.

And of course babies are scary. I think people who are not afraid of having babies for the first time are insane. It's normal to fear the unknown.

I am sorry but your last post about lasting three years and recovering yourself is the most self indulgent wanky crap I have read on here.... leave her be for FFS.

Nah, it was more like "I want to buy a house" definitely not "I have an urge to buy a house."

Ask yourself, do you have an urge NOT to have a child? Basically, do you have an urge either way? Or are you just sitting on the fence?

I am sorry but your last post about lasting three years and recovering yourself is the most self indulgent wanky crap I have read on here.... leave her be for FFS

THIS with bells on.

consequences and responsibility for being a parent for the next 18 years
Hahahahahahaha - bless you.
18 years!!??? In your dreams.
I am a proper daddies girl and he still helps me out now. And I'm nearly 50!
He wants to because he loves me. He loves us all very much.
Parenting will be for the rest of your life.
And then probably, grand-parenting.
You need to think about that!

I was't maternal at all. I had my DD. I would die for her.
But it's hard work. I had just the one because I'm still not maternal.
I love her more than anything in the world. At 18 YO I have no doubt she will be living with me for a long time yet and I will be parenting her for the rest of my life. That's what it's about.
I still don't get to sleep properly if she is out and about. I don't rest until I know she is home safe and sound.
But I'm a single parent and have been since she was 11.
I worry all the time.

You've had pages of responses and you know that neither of you is right or wrong.
But I do wonder if you split, who you will meet next?
There aren't many women out there without baggage.
You could fall for someone with 4 kids.
What then?
At 40 I don't think there is any getting away from kids unless you just want to live the bachelor life for the remainder of it.
And there is nothing wrong with that either.

I don't have an urge , or a want, to have a child. I never sit and think that i would like a child. I never feel sad to not be a father.

When asked the question - i have an urge not to have a child - due to the change in lifestyle.

Then don't have a child. Simple.

user1462882883, from your last post it's rather clear that you really do not want a child. So just leave.

You don't really love this woman (and it's ok!). What is "love"? How can you love someone without at least liking their innermost dream?

i didnt mean it in that way, all i meant to say was, i may not last past 3 years of being a father if i went into it all guns blazing, due to stress and exhaustion. Id still be a parent but more a weekend dad.

see im terrified of never meeting anyone like this woman again.

OP, what is all this stuff about "paternal feelings" and "longing for a child"? You seem to be on some kind of quest for authenticity, for finding "who you truly are", for this perfect, certain feeling of truth, perfect certainty. Here is the answer: There isn't one!

Yep. All this 'soul mate' and 'urge' stuff ... did the counsellor talk about being mindful and living in reality vs yearning for perfect prototypes of things and thus being unfulfilled and stringing along that poor woman. Not wanting kids isn't actually a problem requiring help ... this romantic talk and mental images of ideals and urges is.
Life is compromise, mess, hurdles and risk. That is what makes it rich.
Soul mates exist in books, mainly because they either die before they marry at the peak of infatuation, or the story ends with the wedding day. It's a toxic myth usually fed to women...
Perfect parents don't even exist in books! Except Topsy and Bloody Tim.

Your last response is absolutely clear.

You are not committed to being a father. You could commit but you are not prepared to.

That does not make you a bad person.

What would make you a bad person is having a baby and then moving out after three years because you found it difficult - you don't get to do that.

Moving out would be leaving your relationship with her, your parenting responsibilities would increase unless you also decided to abandon your child too.

A bad decision would be to drag this out for her when you absolutely are not committed to being a father.

And I'm afraid that really from what you say you are not really in love with her as much as you are afraid of the change involved in losing her and looking for someone else/being alone.

And I think you would benefit with some therapeutic support re emotional resilience and coping skills.