I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

3 out of 5 of my closest friends are childless by choice and far from lonely. Kids with a woman you've not had enough of a relationship to even have lived together isnt a cure for loneliness.

If it doesn't work out he'll be poor, have fathered a child he didn't want and have had an acrimonious break up with a woman he didn't even know he could live with for a week, let alone a lifetime.

Very irresponsible.

I'm so sorry for you and your partner - this is a horrible situation to be in. The problem is that none of us can know if you'll love parenthood - some reluctant dads do and some don't.

My own brother has decided he never wants children and despite the fact that I have 7, I can fully see his viewpoint.

Children really do take your life over. Everything you do is dictated by them. What time you get up, what time you sleep, which holidays you take, where you live, the type of car you have, whether you go out alone or not, school pick up and drop off times, getting homework done, after school clubs and activities, weekend birthday parties of classmates, having other peoples children round to play when you may have wanted the house to yourselves, what you spend your money on, where the money goes, what type of TV programme you watch and when you watch it, what you eat, when you eat, where you eat ... I know it's a big list and I'm sure I've missed loads but I'm trying to demonstrate that it really does change absolutely everything about your life.

Nothing will be the same from the life you lead now, except perhaps your job and even then you'll probably be more tired.

I'm not saying at all that it's a bad thing but just that you have to be prepared for a paradigm shift in priorities. Her priorities will change too - don't imagine that you'll be the most important thing any more because no matter how much she loves you, her child will come first - it has to really, if you're to become good parents.

My own opinion is that as you've only been together a year it's best not to take that risk as she won't be the free person she was before and you might not like the change but will be stuck paying for and attending to a child that you didn't want for at least 18 years.

I have a friend who accidentally got pregnant at 40 and is now a really lovely mum, who is paying to put her little boy through private school - she loves him dearly and would move heaven and earth for him. However, she still says even now (the little boy is 9) that she would change things if she could go back in time. She has no alone time with her husband (who also loves him dearly but feels the same way) and they both say that having him at 40 (and 47) means that the carefree middle aged life they'd planned and expected hasn't happened and everything revolves around the boy.

They wish it had never happened but abortion wasn't an option for them. So, it's quite possible that you'll love the child and want the best for him/her but still grieve for the life you lost.

They say that they'll never get these years back. By the time their son leaves home they'll be retiring and feel that the best years will have passed them by.

I don't think it's worth the risk for you and certainly it's not worth preventing her answering the call of her biological clock by stopping her having a baby because she will almost definitely resent you for that in the future.

I feel for you. Good luck in whatever you choose.

So if you decide to go ahead and try for a baby you need to be comfortable that this is a decision about being a father and not about staying with her.

If you are not comfortable with that you should not decide to try for a baby. The relationships are separate from each other.

there are lots of childfree people who have full and interesting lives and don't feel lonely. Many people who are married and parents feel desperately lonely. There are many ways to live a life and I'm glad that you've found yours, but trying to scare someone into parenthood when they have made clear that it is not for them is not helpful

Fair enough. I honestly wasn't trying to scare him though.

Op, you may be 40 but you sound very immature. Have you had many relationships that have lasted for more than a year? Why have you let a woman waste a whole year on you, when you have always known you can't give her the child she desperately wants?

Your choice is very clear. Let this woman go and become the mother that she wants to be. In future only date women who don't want children

Can't believe I'm even indulging this nonsense any further.

Bit in your first few posts your soul mates, perfect for each other, want to stay together forever and ever and you want her more than anything.

Now she's a virtual stranger who is being careless and irresponsible by wanting a baby with you at this stage of your relationship.

Just give over. The relationship is done. Stop wasting her time and acting like a twat.

You can be married with kids and be very lonely

Myself and this woman have not even lived together yet. She wants me to buy a house with her this year, and then start trying for a family within 3 months as " time is not on her side".

This, plus the splits, plus the short time you have been together makes me think she is just looking for someone to "settle" on. Someone to have kids with, regardless of whether the two of you are suited.

I see red flags all over the place.

And as a person who wasn't wanted as a child, please don't have a child you don't want, just to keep her. Or because you "might" love it eventually. It's painful for the child beyond words when a parent rejects them.

You have strung her along for years Erm..they have been together for just over a yr, so how they hell has he strung her along for "years"

I was with someone who categorically did not want kids. We did end up trying, him for the exact reasons you state, that he wanted to make me happy. But for 2 years we had no joy & long story short, it turned out he was actually infertile. We started on IVF but it broke us. We were so much in love, it was horrendous to go through, but I had to leave.

I met someone else, told him I wanted kids or please don't waste my time (I was 36), whisked him away on holiday, lived sort-of 'together' but at either his house or mine; issued an ultimatum at aged 37 and he agreed. It wasn't romantic, he is not the love of my life, but he has given me a wonderful daughter at 38.

We tried for another but I had two miscarriages over the next 2 years. I am just so, so glad that I 'got out' when I did.

I don't know if this will help in any way but there is a little bit of both of your stories in my life!

Can I just say that I pretty much always agree with you Anyfucker? You are sage.

Back to OP. Having implored everyone to stop indulging this twaddle I am also being drawn back in. OP is that infuriating.

I would love his girlfriend to stumble upon this thread and see that in addition to using the phrase 'virtual stranger' he also said they 'barely have a solid relationship foundation.'

I strongly suspect she would be shocked beyond belief to read this, as I bet it's all hearts and flowers and declarations (with a fair amount of moist eye).

I also still strongly suspect she has no idea how little he wants a baby. I wonder how much honesty there has really been and how much vague stuff about 'possibly in the future' or 'not sure it's the right time yet.' Rather than 'it's not what I want.'

My money is on OP being the kind of person who by and large tells his gf just enough of what she wants to wants to hear to maintain a status quo he is rather happy with.

And now she has had enough.

I hope she sees through all the shit but sadly, she will also be thinking how much easier it should be to bring round someone she is already in a relationship with rather than start again (especially since he has never - in all likelihood - actually said 'I don't want it.'). And so I fear she will still be in this situation in six months' time and OP will still be boring people shitless with his angst. When he has no intention ever of having a baby with 'this woman.'

Ooh, ta

I would love his girlfriend to stumble upon this thread and see that in addition to using the phrase 'virtual stranger' he also said they 'barely have a solid relationship foundation.'

And constantly referring to her as 'this woman'

PiecesOfCake it seems that you planned it all out well. Good timing too. Many women are not that lucky or are not assertive. I have a friend who is still waiting for him to propose and desperately wants a child. Maybe you should give her some lessons as to how to make them get closer and her make her demands clear But they have gone for holidays together.

Some of you are saying that there is not such a thing as a soulmate. Since school I remember I didn't like ANYBODY in my town and used to find it so strange that all the girls liked somebody. I craved actually falling in love with somebody but I didn't even get to simply just like somebody. I remember the P.E. teacher asking all the girls about the boys they liked and they ALL gave an answer. For some reason she didn't ask me, as if she knew, but how could she?

Some people only want a serious relationship with somebody who they think is a very good match and has immensely strong feelings for them. It could be somebody totally different. Or others can simply get to like the best looking boy in a class and when he leaves the school they simply substitute their desire with the next best looking one (I know, totally immature but there are adults who behave like that too)

Basically there are so many different expectations from different people. Some people are happy with less feeling or whatever I suppose. That's why some people use the word "soulmate" but others find it pointless and think you can meet somebody and it's as simple as that. It isn't for everybody. Of course after you have broken off with somebody and find somebody better you can question how much of a "soulmate" the other one was

I think some of the responses are harsh.

Op may well be considering having a baby with this woman and there is nothing wrong with wanting to test out a relationship before you bring buying a house and having a baby into it especially if the reasons for doing that are to facilitate having a baby your partner actively wants but not you.

I just think he's contemplating the wrong issue. Parent/child is different to the relationship between partners. The question is not so much do I want to give her a child so that I don't lose her but am I prepared to commit to being a parent, relationship with her aside. Not I am free from worries or concerns about how I will manage but am I prepared to commit no matter what happens.

I think people have been harsh about her too. There is nothing wrong with feeling that trying for a baby with someone you love right now is more important to you than finding someone you feel you will be with forever before trying for a baby.

It's just a difficult situation and the temptation to just say ok go on then in the misguided and ill thought out impression that it may get her to stick around for longer is what is causing the confusion IMO.

The only bit I think is really ridiculous is thinking there is a 'one' and that there are such thing as soulmates. I find the bits where he has said relative to where he would feel comfortable with considering a having a baby for her she is a virtual stranger.

I think that's important (it says he doesn't want to try for a baby with her in effect as she is running out of time most likely) but is outweighed by the fact it is obvious that the OP simply does not want to try for a baby with anyone just now, he isn't prepared to commit to being a father right now. He may never be, as he is not getting any younger, and that's perfectly fine. He doesn't have to be a father because he hasn't got any children.

I cannot believe the suckers people who think she is the problem. Baby crazy ladies don't hang around in their late 30s. basic inference: he's NOT been clear.

Plus he's potentially taking away her chance to procreate, whereas she's not taking anything except his personal made up idea of a dream girl.

So I always knew knew one day I'd want a child, but was 23 when we met, he never wanted one and that did not change. I stopped precautions at 30, someone had stupidly tried in his past to appeal to his virility by saying what he was doing to his body at the time could make him infertile - he believed it, hoped he was.
So, it was a surprise to him when I became pregnant (less so to me, I suspected he'd been told some garbage just to get him to treat himself better).
He thought he'd be a crap Dad - don't a lot say that, then change when they feel the love? In actual fact, I have to concede on this he was right.
This is not a classic happy change of heart story, he was indeed crap. I binned him after 3 years of hopelessness. Best thing I ever did, however, his Dad, has to a degree, come to realise his DS is the best thing he's ever created in life. On an emotional level he loves him with all his heart, even though he has never developed any sense of responsibility to provide financially for him, that he left entirely to me. Still I got lucky, DS is sporty, intelligent, well adjusted and fantastic to be around, and has been an extremely easy child to look after, never would be without him - neither would his loving but useless Dad when he occasionally sees him. He can't do babies it seems, just as well he never had another.

People can do babies. He chose not to.

Offred

He chose not to, as is his complete right. But he hasn't bothered making it clear to the woman he is with.

offred
You nailed it. I think people make this soulmate concept the aim of their lives and that's how things come crashing down.
Op you need to realise that this is a very hard decision and I would much rather spend this time talking to verify I were you. You will never find "the one" as "the one " doesn't exist basically. It's an ongoing journey and that what it's all about probably.

Mm, I do wonder how clear you were, op.

When I was dating, I would have dumped you if you'd been as clear as you are here.

Was it a bit of 'yeah, maybe, one day'...?

OP... How can you want what you've never experienced? I think many of us didn't have that strong a desire - I had none to the best of my knowledge - til an accident changed everything and now I've two of the critters and I love nothing more on this planet than the bones of them!

I'd go for it :) you're capable of loving - you'll love a child too and "the life" falls in place behind that. I certainly didn't go into it desiring days in the park and high chairs in restaurants!

Oh Jiazuz!

OP, what is all this stuff about "paternal feelings" and "longing for a child"? You seem to be on some kind of quest for authenticity, for finding "who you truly are", for this perfect, certain feeling of truth, perfect certainty. Here is the answer: There isn't one!

I could totally understand if you said "I really do not want kids, they freak me out and I am totally not willing to do any work associated with them". But you are saying "I haven't got a paternal FEELING". You are basically searching within yourself for a feeling about something you never actually experienced. Don't you think your expectations of yourself are a bit high?

With many-many-many things in life, you can never find out what they are like and what you are like with them unless you actually try them. You are never going to truly know how you feel about children unless you actually have them. Nobody knows. Some people hate kids, but then adore their own (that's pretty much me). Others really-really-really want kids, but then turn out to be shit parents.

The only two questions you need to ask yourself are:

1. Do I want to be with this woman in the long-term? You've spent plenty of time with her to determine this. One year at 40 years old is a long time. You are old enough to know what you want. Plus there is not much correlation between the survival of the marriage and the length of the pre-marital relationship.

1. I am prepared to accept the responsibility of caring and providing for a child? This has nothing to do with "paternal feeling", but everything with an adult choice of accepting or not accepting responsibility. It's obviously ok to make this choice either way. Feelings may come and go. You might love someone one day, but not the next. Responsibility stays irrespective of the feelings. Example: my adorable primary school son may turn into a vile hormonal teenage monster. I might feel differently about him, but I will still have the responsibility.

Good luck.

Talking to "her" not "verify" . Stupid phone and me

I meant smorgasbord. My eldest' dad is like this. He loves them but he chose not to be a dad in any meaningful sense. He could choose to be one at any time, I still involve him and treat him as though it is expected. I just meant the problem is not that some people just can't 'do' babies or children it is that some people who have babies and children choose not to be parents in the meaningful sense of the word. This is their choice but it has negative consequences for their children and I don't think it should be absolved by reframing as 'not being able to'...