Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

1005 replies

user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 13:33

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

OP posts:
sunnyoutside · 11/05/2016 11:52

Bloody hell, the angst, the drama, the trauma, the navel gazing. Whilst I think it is always healthy for anyone to seek counselling for whatever issues they have in their life this thread is starting to read like a child saying "i want this thing, this thing is perfect for me but this thing is able to skip and wants to skip, but I don't it to skip and I don't want to skip either waah waah waah"

Seriously, catch a hold of yourself. This is one of those times in your life where you met someone amazing but it just isn't going to happen. The world is huge, there is more than one "soul" mate out there for everyone.

MatildaTheCat · 11/05/2016 11:54

'A virtual stranger'. I know lots of posters have said that you have only been together a short time etc but I thought you said she was the love of your life? Hmm

You are dragging this out in painful length. Either agree to baby or walk. She's given you that ultimatum which may or may not be reasonable. That isn't the debate here. You asked what to do and that is the only decision you have.

Hopefully she will make it for you and get on with trying.

Offred · 11/05/2016 11:54

I do think you are asking the wrong questions of yourself. It isn't about 'will I cope?' 'What will I feel about a baby?' 'What is it like being a parent?' So much as it is about 'do I want to make a commitment to being a father no matter what comes with it good and bad?' 'Do I want to commit to being a parent with her no matter what comes with it'

sunnyoutside · 11/05/2016 11:57

Hmm hadn't picked up on the virtual stranger/love of my life. You also keep referring to her as this woman

Offred · 11/05/2016 11:58

I can say with confidence that handling difficulty with your status as a parent is hugely dependent on your commitment to being one and not really dependent at all on whether you find it easy or difficult.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 11/05/2016 12:00

when i said virtual stranger, i meant a virtual stranger in terms of someone to make a huge baby decision with ( known each other a year, not lived together etc)

OP posts:
Joysmum · 11/05/2016 12:00

It'd be irresponsible and bloody stupid to try for a baby when you haven't even lived together. Confused

juneau · 11/05/2016 12:02

Very true offred. I find parenting hard and so does DH, but because we always wanted to have a family we make the sacrifices needed without any resentment and hand-wringing. When you freely choose parenthood you just do. If either of us had felt forced into it, well that's a completely different thing.

OP I agree that you should explore therapy options to try and understand the poor relationship you had with your DF and enable you to move on with that and make a free decision in future about whether you want to have DC yourself or not. Many happy, sane people without emotional baggage decide that parenthood isn't for them, but right now you're not in that camp. It sounds like you fear repeating history, simply because you've never addressed this issue in your past.

chocorabbit · 11/05/2016 12:04

I agree with juneau

I know both the OP and his GF have kept on with their own intentions but then isn't it her fault as well for not trying to get a little bit closer? Now a whole year has been wasted. She seems to want everything her way. A relationship/marriage, AND a baby AND not to have any strong connections/living together with the father of her potential baby. She should have tried gradually to get to live with the OP. It's not all about having fun or getting pregnant, is it? So let's say the OP suddenly got divine enlightenment and agreed wholeheartedly to have a baby. He would find himself suddenly BOTH living with a stranger whom he doesn't know how she operates at home and might have completely different arrangements AND with a baby at the same time. Two shocks at the same time. If everybody is saying "oh well, there is not time now for poor her to start to live with him and get to know their daily routines" why didn't she do it when he suggested it? According to her it has been too late since they met. Ok, fine but you have to get closer to the prospective father of your child. Otherwise you are not a couple but a BF/GF dating. And what child can a BF/GF non-couple raise Confused

Both the OP and his GF are trying to get the other to agree and still can't separate as they seem to love one another so you can't really blame either. As a woman I do feel sorry for her dream to have children and if she will manage it but she has delayed getting more committed too.

Like many others have said some people's relationships are tried when they have their first baby, they also get tried when they start to live together. Unless we don't care about the future with him as all we want is his baby? Only the OP knows her really well (I hope).

MrSnow · 11/05/2016 12:04

Look mate, the loss of freedom is startling, almost crippling and it's taken me years to adjust to it. I had a bit of a wild time in my 20's and 30's to put it mildly, I'd never even been in a serious relationship before I met my wife.

However, once selfish you gets overwhelmed by the love for the little person you created you can see what a waste of time selfish you was.

Is it worth it?

Fuck yes.

If you honestly love her and believe that she loves you - go for it. If you don't honestly love her body and soul then get out, just because she likes the same things as you now doesn't mean she will in a years time.

Lastly, when you're 50 and starting to get past it, you'll look back on this opportunity and feel sad and it could quite easily spoil the rest of your life.

Abecedario · 11/05/2016 12:06

I'm 37 this year. Before I met my partner I had decided to go ahead and try to have a baby on my own. I'd done my research, saved. And even had an appointment at a fertility clinic. I was quite content that I wasn't going to meet anyone to build a family with. Then I met partner.

I've been quite clear that I want a baby, and that he needs to be honest with me about what he wants as, much as I love him, I want to be a mum and don't want a future with someone who isn't on the same page. I don't think I've been manipulative telling him I want a child and can't be with someone who doesn't want the same thing as me. It's not an ultimatum, it's honesty.

Luckily he wants children to. His was more of a vague 'at some point' wanting, and I'm not sure he really grasped how little time was on our side. At the moment, and for the past year we've been together, we're not trying because I felt this was something special enough to give some time to, make some memories together, build something secure albeit knowing that my chances are slimmer the longer I leave it. We have a holiday planned this summer, and I've just been offered a new job. Therefore I'm prepared to take the risk of waiting a little longer.

However, if partner had said he didn't want children full stop, or done the 'maybe, I'm trying to want them, no I probably don't oh hang on I'll try again' dance you describe I'd have been very sad, but I'd have walked away. And I would have expected him to let me go, not string it out.

sunnyoutside · 11/05/2016 12:06

when i said virtual stranger, i meant a virtual stranger in terms of someone to make a huge baby decision with ( known each other a year, not lived together etc)

and

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me.We want to be together forever.

Sorry but those 2 statements don't marry up

Abecedario · 11/05/2016 12:07

*too

DistanceCall · 11/05/2016 12:08

So why is that SHE cant seem to REALISE that we barely have a solid relationship foundation or history, and she keeps asking me to have a baby with her?

BECAUSE HER TIME IS RUNNING OUT. Because women have only a relatively narrow biological window to have children, unlike men.

Christ, is that so hard to understand?

sunnyoutside · 11/05/2016 12:08

When I say they don't marry up I don't mean the dispute about whether to have a baby or not.

DistanceCall · 11/05/2016 12:12

*you all keep saying " finish this now " , " walk away"

Which i the right thing to do, i know and i will but please understand how heart wrenching it is to have to do that for me.*

Get a grip. What do you want us to say? It may be heart wrenching. You still have to do it, and quick.

Lottapianos · 11/05/2016 12:12

'Lastly, when you're 50 and starting to get past it, you'll look back on this opportunity and feel sad and it could quite easily spoil the rest of your life.'

Hmm

Or....... you get to 50 and feel nothing but relief that you followed your very strong gut feeling that parenthood was not for you.

Or you feel something in between

There are no guarantees OP. All you can do is follow your gut feeling and make the decision based on what you know right now

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 11/05/2016 12:12

Does that mean I am just the guy who happened to be there when baby fever hit?
Probably, yes.

sunnyoutside · 11/05/2016 12:15

distance He can't finish it, that will mean less of the heart wrenching chats he has to have with his ex, less wailing of how the universe has worked against him by giving him his perfect woman and now he is going to have to walk away from her with a tear in his eye and looking back over his shoulder in sadness cue music

MrSnow · 11/05/2016 12:15

Or....... you get to 50 and feel nothing but relief that you followed your very strong gut feeling that parenthood was not for you.

But still feel lonely.

chocorabbit · 11/05/2016 12:16

Abecedario good luck to you!

FoggyBottom · 11/05/2016 12:22

I agree with AnyFucker (I usually do) - we haven't heard enough about you OP.

Not.

Offred · 11/05/2016 12:22

For many reasons the best (of a bad situation) decision for you I think is to let her go.

You are not committed to being a parent.

It is important to you that, if you had committed to being a parent, the relationship with the other parent is also a romantic one that you have good reason to believe will survive becoming parents.

Neither of these feelings are wrong or bad. Neither are hers that she is committed to being a parent, has decided what she wants is to try for a baby and that the survivability of the romantic relationship with the other parent matters less to her than trying for a baby and less than actually having a father for the baby she likes and respects as a person.

I just think you can never predict the future with any certainty and where each of you is right now makes your relationship together untenable.

Offred · 11/05/2016 12:25

I simply do not agree that the baby/not baby issue is the most important. Having/not having children is fairly circumstantial to happiness/misery. As is how things turn out compared to what you planned.

What really makes a difference is whether at each time that you had a choice about where to take your life, you were able to make choices that you felt were best at the time for reasons that you understand and can explain even if later you change your mind in some way.

Lottapianos · 11/05/2016 12:25

MrSnow, there are lots of childfree people who have full and interesting lives and don't feel lonely. Many people who are married and parents feel desperately lonely. There are many ways to live a life and I'm glad that you've found yours, but trying to scare someone into parenthood when they have made clear that it is not for them is not helpful

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread