Should I attend this event that OW will be at?

[MerricatBlackwood]

DH had a brief affair which I discovered about three months back. He ended it immediately and he and I are working on our relationship. Seems to be going well though obviously I have wobbly moments still.

It has not been possible for him to be NC with the OW, but he keeps his distance and tells me of any brief interactions they may have.

Now my beef is with my DH, but it's safe to say that I wouldn't be wild about how she's behaved in this situation either. I have only encountered her once since the affair was discovered and he ended it. I was prepared to see her at this event (a theatre performance with the DC) but she wasn't prepared to see me - she was expecting my DH to be there instead. It was very important to me to retain my dignity so I did not engage with her at all, in fact did not acknowledge her and focused on my DC and chatting to other people I knew there. However, after initial shock at seeing me, she then behaved very strangely - provocatively? - by deliberately coming and sitting right next to me after the interval.

I did not acknowledge this and left as soon as performance was over. I don't know what she was playing at - she knew I knew about the affair. I don't know if she wanted some kind of confrontation with me or what, but in any case, I didn't give her the satisfaction.

Since then, nothing has happened, she's not attempted to contact me or to initiate anything with DH.

However, tomorrow my DC are going to a birthday party. OW will be there with her kids. I don't know whether to take them or not. Part of me refuses to curtail my life because of her, and my DC really want me to take them. On the other hand, birthday parties are quite small, enclosed spaces and I don't know how happy I will be at being that up-close-and-personal with her, even if she doesn't attempt to engage with me. Part of me just wants to get DH to take the kids and avoid the whole thing.

DH says he's happy to take the kids or for me to do it or for the kids to just not attend - whatever makes me most comfortable. The thing is, I don't know what would make me most comfortable!

Any advice on wisest course of action?

Your DH needs a new job. I don't think that's too much to ask.

New job just not possible due to the specialist area of work, unfortunately. I agree it would be easier if none of had to have anything to do with OW, but as that's no really feasible for the foreseeable future we'll just have to make the best of it.

I want to give my marriage a shot at reconciliation. After twenty years and three DC I think we need to at least explore whether we can move on from this. I'm not expecting it to be easy.

It can work afterwards. It won't be the same but it can work, it will make you stronger as a person.
Your relationship will be different but in time it can be stronger, that's how I feel now.

Once the hazy fog of this discovery as lifted you will see more clearly what the future holds. Your dh needs to be totally open, extremely patient and caring. There may be set backs on the way, give yourself time, you've been hurt by the person you thought you could trust the most, that's one of the most difficult things to deal with, the bereavement if what you thought you had.

The future can be a better place though, it's hard work but it can work.

Ignore what other people are saying and well done for giving it another go, people give up on marriage far too easily. It's not as simple as kicking him out when you have kids anyway. Hope it all works out between the both of you

Your marriage, your decision. People can be extremely rude on here.

Good for you OP.
There's no need to throw away your marriage if you think there's a shot at it working out. It might actually be better than before. Best of luck!

If he takes this fairly on the chin, admits to everything, accepts he needs to give total disclosure and be fully accountable for his actions AND accepts that sometimes you're going to struggle, be upset? Get angry and even rage a bit, then he's working hard enough for you to have a chance of getting through this.

There's a great book WWIFN used to suggest; Not Just Friends if I recall correctly, it helps understand the dynamics of what just happened in your marriage.